Subject: The Anniversary Taser


A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat
to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a
metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dip shit,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD . . .

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note Of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A- BITCH,
THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I
had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I sh*t myself, but was too numb to know for sure as my sense
of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

It not quite this nice yet.  But, we have been getting a few warm ones. 

The eyes are getting better.  Only doing the saline solution about 3 or 4 times a day now.  It's nice to be able to move around without fumbling for glasses.  Actually caught myself pushing on the top of my nose a couple of times.

Mowed the lawn today and it looks really good.  Fertilizer guy comes tomorrow for the 1st dose. 

Head off to KC to visit the daughter this weekend.  Seems like we only get down there about 3 times a year.  Need to get to Arkansas this year too. 

As you can see, ain't much happening around here.  The only thing moving fast is the price of gas.  Buffett said today that we are about to fall into a recession and it's going to be a long one.  Everything is going up in price except our wages.  Go Figure!!!!

Been doing the drops about a dozen times a day.  Hopefully will curtail these by the weekend.  As for the surgery.  I have always had this really good close up vision. I could take my glasses off and read a book or thread a needle in a heart beat.  But, it was like 12 to 18 inches away from my nose.  Not right!!! 

I had the option of doing the surgery 2 ways.  They could cut my eyes for distance only, but then I would have to have glasses for close up.  Or, they could do what they call 20/Happy, or monovision.  In other words, cut one eye for close up and the other for distance.  The 2nd day after surgery I noticed that the close up was there.  But, roughly an arms length away.  Just like now while I type this, I am about 2 feet farther away from the monitor than before.  But the distance was blurry beyond about 25 yards.  Not real bad.  I could still drive and make out things, but the distant road signs were a bit blurred.  And they still are. 

They warned me that this will take time.  The Doc described it like a cut on your hand.  When your 20 years old, that cut heals pretty fast, but when you get over 50...............!!!!  So, I am patiently waiting.  It seems to get better with each day though.  So, I am optimistic. 

I am a bit of prisoner though.  Can't do anything dusty or dirty for a bit while the flaps heal.  Have a doc appointment tomorrow, will go from there.