have i waited too long?

Things have changed a lot, I guess you could say. At the beginning of July, I went to see Dr. Gittes. She thinks I'm doing really well but is still confused as to why I'm not, fully functioning right I guess. I had to get an ultrasound last Thursday to see if my ovaries and kidneys and shit like that are working correctly and that I should know by the time I see the doctor next which is in the middle of august. i've been so frustrated though because last week i gained 5 pounds. in one week. that's outrageous. i've even been writing my food down fairly thoroughly and it's just so frustrating. i know it's not muscle weight because i'm also gaining inches which is exactly what i don't want. i'd rather weigh 240 pounds and have a 29 inch waist again with 18 inch thighs than have a low weight and high measurements. it sucks.

shop n save did finally higher me about 2 weeks ago. on the first day i thought i was suppose to work, i actually wasn't suppose to. i fucked up, once again. it's taking a while to get every purchase right and ringing up and bagging things right and i still don't understand how to ring someone up who is paying with WIC but i guess itll just take getting used to. it's nice being around people that i don't see everyday but at the same time it's uncomfortable because it screws up my working out routine and i feel like unless i'm 100% devoted to only losing weight and spending time on nothing else, then i can't lose weight. obviously, it's true. but only for me it seems. everyone else who tries to lose weight can have a life outside of dieting and exercising. for some reason, i can't.

i can finally drive on real roads now, thanks to aunt nancy. it sucks because my dad never has time to teach me, my mom doesn't want to, and my sister is either working or out with chuck even though she was the one who was suppose to teach me how to drive. the fact that i feel as though i'm the one in the family who's trying to hold is all together is hard. jannette even told me that i'm really the only one in my house who gets my mom. i know everyone else understands that she doesn't drink for fun anymore and that it's more of a physical dependence and that she wants to stop, but when she's drunk, they lose patience with her and whine and make the situation even worse.

it really frustrates me when everyone else acts like it's all about them and that everyone should pity them because of how my mom drinks sometimes but still, you don't have your parents forever- especially if they have heart disease, smoke, are stressed and have unhealthful habits.

yesterday i went to perry perk with sarah and we're both scared as shit about junior year. it's pretty much the year that can make or break the rest of your life unless you've done insanely well your whole life. neither of us have done badly, but we aren't extremely exeptional. i still haven't really eased off of my exercise addiction. it's unfortunate because although i didn't do terribly last year, i had the potential to do sooo much more and be more dedicated but i was unable to because i didn't want to hate myself anymore so i had to still dedicate a lot of my time to weight loss and exercise which clearly has done nothing.

i'm just afraid that since i'm dedicated to it and i'm only maintining my weight or even gaining some weight, that i'll gain it RADICALLY if i ease off even a little.

those little imperfections make you beautiful

   For the past few weeks, mirrors have torn me apart. Not just mirrors, but anything with a reflection. This pyschotic thing inside my head (Ed, I'm guessing) would just force me to scrupulously look into a mirror and look at everything i couldn't stand. my thighs have too much cellulite, my arms are too flabby, my stomach is distorted and too fat, nothing about me looks right. it used to be that every one or two weeks, i would stand in front of out 3-fold mirror in our bathroom with nothing on but my undergarments so i could look at every part of my body from every angle to see if any bones were more visible, or to just hate myself for all the flabbiness. Now it's gotten to the point where I do this several times a day. I can't take it anymore. i can't take a shower anymore because i can't stand to look at myself. I can't stand to get dressed. it feels as though there are mirrors everywhere just reminding me of how badly i look.

  Yesterday I understood that I just can't live this way anymore, torturing myself. What is the benefit of meticulously analyzing my body and constantly reminding myself of the errors? It only adds stress and anxiety. I guess I'm just afraid of what other people would think when they see me. Now I'm trying not to care anymore. I put a blanket over the huge mirror in my room so I can actually go to bed without worrying about how fat I am. I still worry about that, but I guess it's not as apparent because my reflection isn't the last thing I see before I lie down.

  Who really cares about what people think when they see me anyway? I'm trying to make my primary goal to get healthier, and to get my period back. I'm hoping that if that's my main focus rather than losing weight so I'll be nice to look at, everything will fall in place. Now I am only beginning to see what my parents' and doctors' main concerns are. My weight isn't unhealthy. Yes, it's on the heavier side of the healthy range, but maybe that will shift to the lower side of the healthy range once my body is where it is suppose to be.

I really wish for this healthy state-of-mind to last for a while. I really can't stand living with constant self-deprecation.

hold on before it's too late

   I spent some time with Samantha last week which of course was nice change of pace. It's still hard and even self-deprecating to be friends with someone so pretty.. esp when you no longer are. We walked to DQ and she got a Moolate and then while we were walking back to my house, people who were driving past us honked at her and that didn't surprise me because, like I said, she is a pretty girl. It's not that it made me feel badly about myself because of who was in the car, it's just that I'm no longer a knockout, and people used to marvel at my looks that same way they do hers. The only time I really loved myself was when I was thin; plain and simple. I knew i was good-looking, and i could see that other people thought so as well. It was easier to help others because I didn't have to worry about hating myself back then because I didn't.

On wednesday I went to her youth group 220 with her. Although it was a good oppurtunity for me to meet people other than the people at North Hills, I didn't take that oppurtunity. That's what I can't stand about myself. I act like a dull loser with nothing to say who is a waste of air when I'm around people I haven't known for a while. When I'm with people with whom I am close, I'm an idiot who makes no sense and seems like they're constantly fucked up. If I were still thin and was in the depths of my eating disorder, it wouldn't matter. Making an impression on people wouldn't matter as much. I had my eating disorder to impress, and it would always be proud of me. When I didn't get recognized by people, I would focus on my eating disorder, and it would give me its undivided attention.

When we got back to Sam's, she straightened my hair. Then it just made me cry because I thought of when I was thin and pretty and when my hair was long and curly. Now it's all thinned out and ridiculous looking and I can't do anything with it. My hair used to be so wonderful that I even got frustrated because I could never decide on how I wanted to wear it because it looked so good in so many different ways. Now it's frustrating because it never looks good. Leave it to Samantha though to be sweet and turn on a song by NFG to cheer me up somehow. It was a small move but it was thoughtful in that it made me feel like someone actually cared.

Then her mom and I bullshitted for like an hour. I always like talking to Kelly because she "gets it" She knows how to talk to someone with a body image problem and someone who also has problems within the home. It's not that my friends aren't good listeners, and not that they don't help, it's just that I feel like they aren't sure of what to say.

   On Sunday night, I stayed over Wendi's. It was a fun time. I was scared about breakfast time because i already had a breakfast premeasured at home, and if there was crap food, I wasn't going to eat it and I didn't want anyone to make a big fuss about it. I guess Wendi told her mom though that I have a weird thing with eating when I'm out, so she had fruit for me. I thought that was sweet of her because it makes me feel like I'm cared about when people take the time to make sure I'm not put in an uncomfortable position when I don't have to be.

    Aunt Marlene picked me up on Monday to help her with yard work to get everything ready for Andrew's (her grandson's) first birthday party that's happening on Sunday. he's so adorable, but I never realized what hard work it is to take care of a one-year-old. I mean I knew they were tough to handle but I didn't know that every moment they're awake, you have to watch them.

   tonight is santiago's six @ smalls!

summer finally

school let out on thursday. as glad as i am to be out of there for 3 months, i'm sort of fearful. the past two summers have been shit. in 2006, i did absolutely nothing and stayed inside my house for weeks at a time because i had nowhere to go and no one to see. i was determined to let that happen to myself again, so i put all my time, thoughts, and energy into losing weight last summer. then it took over my life instead of just my summer. i just dont want this summer to be like the last two. i want a life, and i want places to go and things to do. sometimes i feel hopeful that my life will finally change into actually something other than just me wishing i wasn't fat and wishing i could have a life and wishing my family situation would just be better. everytime those feelsing of hope come around, something happens to tear them all down.

i started ballet last tuesday and loved it. the only thing is, though, that there were two actual ballerinas there and they were so thin- it seemed natural though- and they were good at ballet and gorgeous. i was only able to half pay attention to the ballet moves while the other half of me was thinking how nice it would be to look like them.

its just to hard to appreciate my body when i work out until i get injured, and then there are no changes.

we got our yearbooks like 2 weeks ago. i immediately looked for my picture because i've never seen it. beautiful. honestly, i've never really ever seen a good picture of me, but that defintely was one. my hair was long, i was nice and thin, and i looked happy on top of it. although i wasn't healthy, you couldn't tell by looking at that picture. i was happy then, too. well, part of the time. there were times when i was depressed, but then times in which i felt life was perfect. now its just a steady stress. not saying "oh life sucks", it just feels like no matter how much i do, i'll always be stuck in the same spot.

i saw dr. gittes on may 30th, and that's exactly what she said. my weight was exactly the same, i still worked out compulsively, i still hated how i looked, still didn't have a period, everything was just the same although i try so hard to be happy with myself by reducing calories but still consuming a healthy amount, and working out. still look the same, still feel the same, still unhappy with myself, still not looking or feeling like a girl.

the doctor prescribed me these hormone supplements to take to hopefully kick-start my body to being where it should be. no change. because of all the jump roping and walking i've done, i got a stress fracture in my left foot. for two weeks and counting, i am unable to jump rope- my best source of cardio. i couldn't go on an additional walk after school because it would start to hurt after walking to school and back.

that just added a whole other level of stress. dr gittes even told me the reason i'm probably still a fatass (she didn't use those words, they're my words) is because i stress too much about numbers. i was stressing about my foot, and i was stressing because i was stressing.

still am.

je veux te voir!

finally the weather is getting nice, and there are only 14.5 days left of school. i really really want to end the year with straight a's this semester, and it looks like it may happen. i just have to bring up my grade in history which is now an 86 or something like that, and my grade in chemistry which is an 88. the beginning of this week, i was depressed for some reason. i was back to crying myself to sleep like i used to do all the time in 8th and 7th grade. it's not even like i do it intentionally, it just happens. at the end of the day i just end up feeling hopeless about everything. the fact that my bff katrina made fun of me again today doesn't neccessarily help. yesterday when i sat in herr's 9th period, everyone was talking about what touched them the most from the holocaust museum and the conversation shifted over to highschool and how it's all pretty much heading downhill. herr talked about how strong of a word hate is and everything like that. i felt motivated and everything but then today katrina just has to mock me. hhahaha, yeah it's really funny when someone tells you about how if they didn't stop working out compulsively, her doctor would have sent to her to the hospital to be fed by an IV. hahahha THAT'S SO FUNNY. not really. uhmmm, i didn't plan on having that happen to myself. i just wanted to lose weight and then i became infatuated and i just got sucked into it and my thoughts were so distorted. it screwed me up so bad that i couldn't even take a shower without feeling like i was going to pass out. i wasn't even able to watch tv because all my mind would think about is working out and restricting. haha! that's so funny, right?!?! i mean, clearly it's HILARIOUS to make fun of someone who went through that! hahha!

if anyone has gone through an experience like i have, or something even worse, like the death of a parent or rape or drug addiction or anything that would make life more difficult than it should be, i am truly sorry. nobody deserves that.

i haven't had an appt. with janette in almost two weeks and i'm just about to go crazy but thank god i see her tuesday. i'm really excited though, because in june i'm starting a beginner's ballet class at ballet baroque through ccac and betch-any probably will. lol i'm going to make an idiot of myself but i love ballet. my cousin teaches at ballet baroque, but she won't teach my class cause she teaches higher level ballet but still i think it's schweeet.

3 day weekend! (: