hold on before it's too late

   I spent some time with Samantha last week which of course was nice change of pace. It's still hard and even self-deprecating to be friends with someone so pretty.. esp when you no longer are. We walked to DQ and she got a Moolate and then while we were walking back to my house, people who were driving past us honked at her and that didn't surprise me because, like I said, she is a pretty girl. It's not that it made me feel badly about myself because of who was in the car, it's just that I'm no longer a knockout, and people used to marvel at my looks that same way they do hers. The only time I really loved myself was when I was thin; plain and simple. I knew i was good-looking, and i could see that other people thought so as well. It was easier to help others because I didn't have to worry about hating myself back then because I didn't.

On wednesday I went to her youth group 220 with her. Although it was a good oppurtunity for me to meet people other than the people at North Hills, I didn't take that oppurtunity. That's what I can't stand about myself. I act like a dull loser with nothing to say who is a waste of air when I'm around people I haven't known for a while. When I'm with people with whom I am close, I'm an idiot who makes no sense and seems like they're constantly fucked up. If I were still thin and was in the depths of my eating disorder, it wouldn't matter. Making an impression on people wouldn't matter as much. I had my eating disorder to impress, and it would always be proud of me. When I didn't get recognized by people, I would focus on my eating disorder, and it would give me its undivided attention.

When we got back to Sam's, she straightened my hair. Then it just made me cry because I thought of when I was thin and pretty and when my hair was long and curly. Now it's all thinned out and ridiculous looking and I can't do anything with it. My hair used to be so wonderful that I even got frustrated because I could never decide on how I wanted to wear it because it looked so good in so many different ways. Now it's frustrating because it never looks good. Leave it to Samantha though to be sweet and turn on a song by NFG to cheer me up somehow. It was a small move but it was thoughtful in that it made me feel like someone actually cared.

Then her mom and I bullshitted for like an hour. I always like talking to Kelly because she "gets it" She knows how to talk to someone with a body image problem and someone who also has problems within the home. It's not that my friends aren't good listeners, and not that they don't help, it's just that I feel like they aren't sure of what to say.

   On Sunday night, I stayed over Wendi's. It was a fun time. I was scared about breakfast time because i already had a breakfast premeasured at home, and if there was crap food, I wasn't going to eat it and I didn't want anyone to make a big fuss about it. I guess Wendi told her mom though that I have a weird thing with eating when I'm out, so she had fruit for me. I thought that was sweet of her because it makes me feel like I'm cared about when people take the time to make sure I'm not put in an uncomfortable position when I don't have to be.

    Aunt Marlene picked me up on Monday to help her with yard work to get everything ready for Andrew's (her grandson's) first birthday party that's happening on Sunday. he's so adorable, but I never realized what hard work it is to take care of a one-year-old. I mean I knew they were tough to handle but I didn't know that every moment they're awake, you have to watch them.

   tonight is santiago's six @ smalls!