I think Xanga has added waaay too much to their site... I haven't been on here in a while, though, so my knowledge of blogging (since when has this word become a verb?) could be lacking. Anyways, at least I know where to write... Just click "Blog Now" and I'm all set! Here's a little update:

I haven't been doing much outside the realm of school work. I'm a senior this year, and that means savagely working away at the piles and piles of assigned homework I have to do. I'm making up this year for what I did not do my sophmore and junior years. Math has never been my subject, ever. It has never been anything more than a dreadful chore that I must plug away at in order to succeed high school. Since I am homeschooled, my parents have been incharge of my academic life... That is, until last year! I joined a homeschool group called Hillside Classical Co-op (cooperative) and now they are incharge of my academic life! Basically it's like a private school. Last year, I only took two subjects: Algebra I (I guess you could say I failed Alg1 in 10th grade...) and Spanish II. Since that went so well, I decided to really go at it and take a heavy classload this year. Currently at Hillside I'm taking:  Algebra II (achieving a steady 81%), British Literature (a nice 100%), Chemistry lab/lecture (somehow flying by with an 86% and higher!), Research and Creative Writing (102%), and Spanish III (somewhere near 97%). Of course this makes me feel better about myself; I've always been one to doubt my academic abilities, over-exaggerating its importance (if I don't understand all of Algebra, I'll NEVER get anywhere in life). On top of that, I'm doing an (easy) Geometry course in order to graduate, and finding something to do to finish off my 1/2 credit left in history. Anyways, enough of that. That's what's been on my mind lately, being a worrisome teenager and all.

Oh, I'm also enrolled in Liberty University's Online Distance-Learning program for the '08-'09 (college) school year. My family is planning on moving sometime after I graduate (high school), the sooner the better, so my reason in doing to the Distance-Learning is so I can tag along with them for a while. But I wouldn't be doing that if I didn't need money, so the deeper meaning in tagging along is to get a job and have free housing for a year. Tee hee. But anyway, Liberty is an awesome school. I'm really excited to go as a resident (starting fall '09), and I feel God is really pointing me there... despite my irritating tendency to double, triple, and quadruple think my decisions.

Megan and Peter (my sister and brother-in-law) got back together at the end of January. Over Thanksgiving and Christmas they had a huge separation, and some junk happened that really tested both of them. But they're together now, and I think it was a great learning process for them. Peter has an awesome job now, I'm not really sure what it's called. He takes care of four mentally ill (for the most part) and deaf people at a resident home in York (I believe it's in York...). On the weekends he has to stay overnight, but this is a really great job for him. I think he really likes it, too. He's learned so much, and is really growing. We're so proud of him! Megan is growing, too. After the separation and what went on during it, she learned a lot about dealing with their relationship. They moved to a new apartment at the beginning of this month, or, end of the last. It's a great new start for them, and I think things will be looking up.

My spiritual life is really declining. That being said, I don't think it's a bad thing. I'm learning to let go and deal, and even though I'm supposed to let God take it all sometimes it's best to figure that out that hard way. I still push myself to let Him control the things I want to, but I'm only worried that my heart will harden to the point that whenever it comes time for Him to break it, the shattering will be too much for me to bear. But I was recently reminded that God doesn't give us what we can't handle, so I'm having faith. Maybe this is the breaking process?

A twenty-three month old baby from our church died this past week. He was playing in his dresser and it well, killing him instantly due to blunt-force to the neck. My dad is doing the funeral this week, and he's really struggling with it. This is the second time this type of thing happened in one year. Back in August an old family friend had something similiar happen to them. They had a house fire and one child died, a two-year old baby boy. The other children were severely hurt, but they're alive and well today. I don't think I've ever been to a funeral that sad. Most funerals don't bother me... The only one besides that one was my Grandfar's funeral, and I was about six or seven years old. All I remember of that one was sitting alone in the church while my cousins were playing outside, crying. Thinking back, I believe that was when I experienced my first panic attack. I didn't cry at Hunter's funeral, but on the way home from Connecticut, in the back seat of our mini-van, in the dark, and listening to my Family Force 5 CD, I bawled my eyes out. The loss of innocence is one of the saddest things that can happen in this world. And it's happening everyday.

So, these are the updates I will share. The major things that are on my mind at the moment. Good-night, love's.

Even when arms are extended to the fullest, one might not want to accept the security and grace they offer. I think sometimes we thrive off of our own anxieties, fears, and all together negative emotions. We play inside our minds; we play 'house' with characters in our lives, pretending the things we struggle with are getting better and going our way. When the game gets old, however, and decided we've had enough... what is to be done? How can someone enter real life, hte one that was originally created for us, when they don't know where to begin? Some of us spend so much time hiding away in the doll house that it's unclear what part of existance is actually tehre and what is imagined.

anyways...

sometimes i pretend i'm drinking poison just to see what happens. like this green tea, i'm elegantly lifted the plastic up to my lips, letting the cool liquid slide down my throat, my tongue savoring the possible taste of death. then i realize its just ice tea. nothing fancy and virulent. just a honey and gingsen flavoured drink meant to cool your taste buds off on a hot day.

i guess i'm looking for something to fill the empty time slots during my day... i don't have much to do during the day, and my mind travels all over the place which makes this ill feeling worse. i'd like to be with people, but only certain people. i shouldn't be picky, but i feel like most of my friends aren't all that interested in occupying the time they do have with me. i can already feel the drift happening... and i guess i should accept it. certain people will be leaving next year, including myself. i should just allow the massive gaps and walls between us now, if i don't they will appear suddenly and it'll all feel worse than if the seperation occurs slowly. maybe i'm overreacting, thats very possible. change and life don't really treat me well. i allow fears and worries to shake my body, threatening every inch of hope out of me. 

lately i've just been wishing it would be next year... i'd be at whatever school i am going to, maybe Liberty, maybe somewhere else... i'll be meeting new people, grasping on to new ideas and learning new things. i'd especially like it to be, say, October of next year. that would be that all my homesickness would be old, i'd be used to the roll of things... and it would be fall. but instead its now, and theres nothing i can do to change that fact. i'm sitting here, its the end of summer, i'll start my senior year... finishing up a life that i've grown to withstand, and maybe love.