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Monday, February 11, 2008

  • So I haven't been on here in a LONG time...

    I figured I might as well mess around with xanga.
    I was bored, and I needed something to occupy my mind.

    I'm single for the first time in a very long time. I haven't been single for more then a week total in almost three years. How crazy is that?...

    It's weird. I've got nothing to do. I'm so bored. I've got no one to talk to either. It's probably one of the strangest things I've experienced in a long time...
    I don't really like it.
    I miss him.
    I feel like half of my soul just disappeared.

    I know it will be good for me though.
    I'll get through this.


    Well anyways, just wanted to stop by and tell people hello.
    that is, if anyone gets on this thing anymore.

    <3 Rachel

Thursday, November 15, 2007

  • Secrets?

    There's so many things going through my head right now, and it's all kinda overwhelming...

    I can't talk to him about it.
    like...any of it....

    I don't know what to think anymore. I just...I need help, and he says he's too "worn out" to help me...and yeah I understand he pulled an all nighter, but he's always saying shit about how I never ask him for help and he wants to help me, and then when I ask him...he's too busy or too tired or too stressed or too frustrated...
    And I understand I shouldn't fully depend on him...and I need to be able to do this shit on my own...but I was never taught to write something like this, and he knows how and he won't even help to fucking explain it to me...he's too fucking tired.
    Yeah, Okay. I should do it on my own, but he should also be willing to at least help me a LITTLE, even if he is tired. How late have I stayed up helping him with shit before?...I just don't see it as fair.
    I'm mad at him, I'm pretty sure he knows it...I didn't respond to his last text, but of course he didn't send another one. He's probably back to playing WoW, and he's most likely forgotten that I was even upset with him...

    That's another thing I don't get.
    How is it that if he's tired or worn out or whatever the hell he said, he's got the energy to be on WoW and fuck around with Casey and watch TV and shit? I don't care what he says, that just doesn't make sense. He is sick of the phone and he's sick of working and he doesn't want to have to put forth any effort so he tells me he's fucking worn out. I DON'T THINK THATS FAIR.
    I'm probably being selfish, unfair, and needy...but honestly I don't give a shit.
    He tells me he WANTS me to come to him for help...he gets offended if I DON'T come to him for help...but he is too "worn out" to help me...
    how is that logical?

    IT ISN'T!


    I'm pissed. I don't want to deal with him, I don't want to do this fucking essay, I don't want to have to deal with this shit.
    and if I told him I was this upset over it he'd call me immature and call me a baby and tell me I should be able to do this shit on my own....

    but he's supposed to be there for me. he's supposed to support me, and he's supposed to help make up for my weaknesses....he's supposed to guide me....and he won't even TRY to help. I UNDERSTAND he's worn out, but I AM SURE he could help me EVEN A LITTLE. that's ALL I FUCKING WANT. it's not like I want him to write my WHOLE damn essay....

    whatever.
    fuck this shit.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

  • emotional wreckadge

    So right now, I'm pretty much a pathetic mess.

    We've got no money till my mom and I get paid on friday, and her paycheck is going to be much smaller then usual, and mine isn't even going to be $100....and so we're basically fucked because my dad doesn't get paid till a few weeks after that....
    We don't have food and I'm really hungry. I came home sick, and I think part of the reason I'm sick is because I haven't really been eating because we haven't really had anything to eat...and Idk, I just really feel like crap right now.
    School is driving me insane, which I can't understand because it's not even that hard. I have no idea why i seem to be incapable of handling everything I need to do, when it's really not even that much...I'm stressing myself out and I'm stressing Curt out and there has definitely been some tension in our relationship recently...
    We haven't been talking NEARLY as much. He's been busy or I've been busy and we just haven't had time. Any time we do talk one of us usually ends up upsetting the other. I'm kinda upset right now, but it's not because of something he can control. He was supposed to be coming down here over Christmas break, but now his parents don't know if they're going to buy the tickets because somethings happening and his dad's company is like...falling apart or something and I don't know details, but now I don't know if he's going to be able to come down here either...and that's REALLY upsetting to me...because I mean, if we're going to fix this relationship...because it's extremely stressed right now, almost to it's limits, then we need to be together and we need to be able to talk and idk....it's just upsetting that I don't know if he'll be able to come...
    I feel like people are getting sick of me. Now I'm not talking about everyone, so if you don't think I'm talking about you, then I'm probably not....but especially numerous people at school and teachers and stuff. I mean, I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't try to push people away. I don't try to be annoying or get on people's nerves. I don't know what it is that I do that seems to frustrate people so much....all I know is I think they're all sick of me, but it's okay, because honestly I'm getting sick of them too.
    I want to go away to college, I want to get away from this place, and my family and this stressful environment....I want to be on my own and not have to worry about having to support other people who aren't doing enough to support themselves. I want to turn 18 so I can cut off my parents from my bank account. I want to graduate college and become a teacher and be able to completely support myself without the help of other people. I want to be self sufficient and far far away from here....
    but I'm scared. How am I going to pay for college? What if I get lazy and don't pass? Do I REALLY want to be a teacher? I'm really starting to question my interest in music anymore. Lets just say that I've got a teacher that's pushing me further and further away from it, and if I don't pull myself together I'm probably going to end up having no idea what I want to do with my life because my lifelong dream will no longer be a dream.....
    What if it all changes too much? What if I try so hard to get away from the way things are now only to find out that I liked it better how it was? I'm afraid of growing up and leaving the people I know behind. I'm afraid of trusting too much in one person and having my heart broken. I'm afraid that I'm seeing only what I wish to see, and not what's actually there.
    I'm just afraid....

    I don't know.
    Right now, I'm mostly hungry.
    I wish my parents had the money to go grocery shopping, because I'm so hungry that I'm probably going to end up throwing up again pretty soon....
    I actually fell asleep and had a dream about food...
    I woke up and felt better for a little while.
    Oh well, whatever I ate I'd probably throw up anyways,
    I mean...I am still sick...

    whatever, you don't want to know all that and I'm getting sick of typing
    bye bye

Saturday, April 14, 2007

  • Late Night Ramblings

    There are days when I think that everything is as it should be, and then there are days where I feel like nothing else could go wrong. I guess today was part of both kind of days….

    I love my friends. I love them a lot, but sometimes they can get on my nerves. Some are extra-bitchy if you don’t want to do what they do or you come up with an idea that they don’t agree with. Some can be super moody and get mad at you for seemingly no reason. Then there are the ones that you never get to see anymore that you want to spend time with, and when you do spend time with them you’ve realized they’ve changed….

    It makes me wonder. Do I need to change to? Is there a reason that I’m not fitting in as well anymore? Is there some simple solution that is just beyond reach? Am I missing something here?......Who knows….

    All I know is that this weekend is going to be nice. I’m getting away from the drama and the trying to do things and hang out with people. I will be here at my house. I’ll read and do laundry and sleep and play games and do whatever the hell I feel like doing because I can. There isn’t anybody here to say “I don’t want to do that, let’s do something else.” There isn’t anyone to tell me that it’s “not fair” or they are “bored.” Finally I have a weekend to myself where nobody is expecting anything from me. It’s nice…..

    I called Kyle just a few minites ago. He’s drunk and playing monopoly. One part of my brain is thinking “well that’s good. He’s having fun and not being stressed out and that’s all good and nice.” Another part of my brain is jealous. I had a lot that I wanted to talk to him about and that I needed to get out and that I guess I’ve had inside for a while, and tonight was going to be my night to release it, but he is too busy to listen. I guess I shouldn’t bother him with my problems anyways. It just stresses him out more, and he doesn’t need that. I guess it’s not problems so much, more thoughts and ideas and maybe a few things that bother me. I know he could help me with them though, if he was coherent enough to care….

    I hung up with him when it got all loud and everybody was drunk and having a good time. I wasn’t in the mood for the loud-ness and the drunken-ness and stuff. I wanted to have a serious conversation, and I guess he just wasn’t in a state that he could understand that or realize that….

    I hung up and he didn’t call back. He used to call me back when I would hang up. He would want to know what was wrong. He would wonder and worry. He dosen’t anymore. I guess maybe I hang up too much, but I haven’t been hanging up as much lately. Shouldn’t that be some clue? Shouldn’t he know that I’m upset? I don’t understand. Maybe I don’t know as much about him as I thought I did. Maybe I’m pushing him away, or being too needy, and he just dosen’t want to deal with it. Maybe he really is just too drunk. I don’t know, but it upsets me….

    Don’t get me wrong. I know I can’t have his attention 100% of the time. I’m cool with that, but tonight was one of those nights that I needed a serious talk, and he wasn’t there to listen. I’m not trying to make him feel bad by saying this. I understand that he IS under the influence and he might not even realize it, but that dosen’t make me feel any better or help me talk to him any sooner. I don’t know. I’m confused. I’ve confused myself, but I always seem to do that. I love him. I want to be with him forever. I can honestly see myself with him. I can see myself HAPPY with him. I know he’d be a great person to have by my side, a great father, a great friend. I love him and I guess it’s because I love him that I need to talk to him and not just anyone. His opinion matters most. His thoughts count for more. He’s the one I need and he’s not here. He’s too busy to talk on the phone. He’s too drunk to do much of anything I’d imagine. I don’t know. Maybe I’m over reacting.

    I’m thinking about going to sleep.

    It’s been a long day,

    And I have a feeling it won’t be an easy night….

    I’ll leave you with this…..

    “I'm With You"

    I'm standing on a bridge
    I'm waiting in the dark
    I thought that you'd be here by now
    There's nothing but the rain
    No footsteps on the ground
    I'm listening but there's no sound

    Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
    Won't somebody come take me home
    It's a damn cold night
    Trying to figure out this life
    Won't you take me by the hand
    Take me somewhere new
    I don't know who you are
    But I... I'm with you
    I'm with you

    I'm looking for a place
    I'm searching for a face
    Is anybody here I know
    'Cause nothing's going right
    And everything's a mess
    And no one likes to be alone

    Isn't anyone trying to find me?
    Won't somebody come take me home
    It's a damn cold night
    Trying to figure out this life
    Won't you take me by the hand
    Take me somewhere new
    I don't know who you are
    But I... I'm with you
    I'm with you

    Oh why is everything so confusing
    Maybe I'm just out of my mind
    Yea yea yea

    It's a damn cold night
    Trying to figure out this life
    Won't you take me by the hand
    Take me somewhere new
    I don't know who you are
    But I... I'm with you
    I'm with you

    Take me by the hand
    Take me somewhere new
    I don't know who you are
    But I... I'm with you
    I'm with you

    Take me by the hand
    Take me somewhere new
    I don't know who you are
    But I... I'm with you
    I'm with you
    I'm with you...

Sunday, March 25, 2007

  • Dear Anyone,

    I was wrong. That’s not something I have an easy time admitting, and this is kind of hard for me, so please try and be patient. I was wrong, and I’m sorry.

    I thought I was right, I really did. I thought it was okay for me to think that way and say those things about myself and make it that big of a deal. I really thought it was that big of a deal. I know better now.

    Getting away helped me to realize a few things. First of all, I am a beautiful person, on the inside and the outside. I learned that people do accept me, but that I need to be more outgoing so that I can show them what an amazing person I am. I learned that I am loved, by more then just a few people. I am loved and I am cared about and it is a wonderful feeling. I have amazing friends and even though I may not see them all the time or hang out with them a lot, I know that if I ever need them they will be there for me. I know that it is okay to cry and it is okay to show your weaknesses. I know that if people do not accept me for who I am, then they are not worth the trouble anyways. I know that everyone has a purpose in their life, and I know what mine is. I know I was born to lead and to teach, and I won’t ever let anyone try and stop me again. I have my talents and my weak points, but so does everyone else, and there is nothing wrong with that. I have definitely learned a lot this past weekend, and I feel so much better about myself then I have in a long time. Honestly, it’s an amazing feeling.

    I love my PYCC family so much. Every time I am feeling down or starting to feel insecure or self conscious, they always seem to help. I used to be scared of going to PYCC meetings, I thought that I wasn’t accepted and people didn’t like me. I’m not afraid of them anymore. I’ve discovered how wonderful they actually are, and I’m so glad to know them. PYCC is just amazing….

    Because of Conclaves, and PYCC, and being at Cho this past weekend, I have become more confident. I guess I was just going through a low point in my life, but I am so much better now. I needed people to care about me and accept me and show me that I am a wonderful person, and I found that. I’m so happy right now….

    I have an amazing boyfriend who puts up with all of my shit. He listens to me complain and break down and bitch whenever something goes wrong. He listens to me cry when I’m upset, and yell when I’m mad. He comes down here to visit as much as he can, and I know that he loves me. Why else would he put up with the distance and the bitchiness and all the drama that comes with my life? He has to either love me or just be out of his mind….and I’m pretty damn sure it’s love. He’s always been there for me, but recently he said something about me that kind of upset me. I asked him to be honest with me about something, and he was, but what he said was NOT what I wanted to hear, and I got upset. I shouldn’t have been mad at him. I asked him to give me the truth and he did. I also should not worry about what he said, because it didn’t change how he felt about me. He still felt the same; I just knew more of what he was thinking. Yeah, what he said hurt me, but I’ve realized that I am human, I have my imperfections, and I cannot get that upset just because the person I love doesn’t see me as perfect. I should be glad that he does not see me as perfect, because that would be fake. I am okay with the person that I am, I think I am beautiful and kind and caring and smart and I know now that I overreacted. I’m sorry for that. It was stupid, but I guess I’ve realized that now, so everything is going to be okay.

    God put me here for a reason.
    It’s time for me to step up and take charge of my life.

    Love,

    Somebody

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MysticismMode

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    • Name: Rachel
    • Country: United States
    • State: Texas
    • Metro: Houston
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 1/22/2005

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About Me

  • I'm 17. I live in Houston, TX. I love music, and when I'm out of high school i want to attend Sam Houston State University, get a degree in Music Education, and teach Orchestra. I play cello, bass, and viola. I want to learn to play every instrument that exists. I love music. Its such a big part of me..Its just who i am...

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