First...

I got my hair braided and I LOVE IT! See? It's so nice and cool in this weather, plus I don't have to wash or take care of it for a while. :D
 
Second...

Why is it so hard to figure out how to write down your thoughts sometimes? I feel it in my bones sometimes, the itching in my fingers, the ache to use a pen or type. I really want to, but can't find the words or the motivation I usually need.

I'm going home in 4 days...4 DAYS! I cannot understand how it came to be this way. We did a prayer labyrinth in our backyard tonight, with candles, stations to remind us of the different phases we went through this semester. The first one, labeled "Kampala" contained a skinny candle lighting up two empty containers that once held gelado. There is a place across the street that we visit occasionally, mostly to enjoy the company we're with, not really the attempt at Italian ice cream that melts on our tongues in between words.

I looked down at the cups and started to cry.

Those who know me pretty well...I don't cry in public easily...period.

I walked through the labyrinth, carrying a candle that smelt of Halloween, walking faster than I should in the dark, stumbling blindly. I revisited moments and emotions, and didn't like all that I found. Yet, I came to the realization that I didn't want to leave. I will miss this place and its people.

Did I really once hate this place, these people I have come to adore and love like sisters? Can this all ever be recreated? In my heart it says "no." It's too late.

I spent so much time denying myself to become attached and dependent, close to anything here. Goodbyes are already horrible, without withstanding the broken heart and detachment of souls. I have to leave all of this, all of it. My heart will be left behind in the clothes I put in the hands of orphans and friends because they won't fit in my suitcase.

Why are you making me leave a place I just got used to enough to understand and actually NEED. I will go home feeling incomplete and in need of my Africa, the world born out of my heart for what I've felt and seen.

I feel I have to return someday in order to feel fulfilled, but under my skin it says "no." It probably won't ever happen. So it's best not to hope, not to attach to the idea and the emotions connected to it.

But yet again, isn't that what I did for the first few months I was here?

Sigh with me. You can probably relate in some way, from some experience you had before. It doesn't have to involve Africa, or even another country. This is just life at work.

This is just missing things you can't have forever.

I didn't think I would get so emotionally attached to this place. I didn't think it would create water in my eyes.

Charith, Kirsten, and I were holding Cokes and Fantas, faced by all the friends we made in Rwanda, as they expressed between squinty eyes and sniffs how much they appreciated our friendship and the time we spent with them. Seven weeks go by so fast, especially when you find ourself wanting them to. Then, on the last few days, you realize what you've done, but it's too late. It's all passed by and you can't go back to what was.

Ezra, Ema, Steven, Patrick, and Douglas; I will miss them so much.

All three of us, the ones that could be voted "Less likely to cry in front of others" on this trip, sobbed on the car ride home last night. It was the last one we would get with all of us crammed in the back illegally, listening to the boys sing along to the radio and actually sound better than the voices coming from the speakers. We held hands and shared tears with the friends we had to leave behind. I don't think I've fully described them on my blog before.

Ezra Kwizera owns a recording studio in Kigali called Narrow Road Productions. He is also an accomplished musician that is releasing a CD this November (we're missing it since we're in Uganda now) after filming a music video in Canada. His singing style reminds me of Jack Johnson, with a little African/Gospel flavor. The money that comes out of it goes to several ministries, part of Narrow Road Ministries, that Ezra runs for widows and orphans. Ezra is married to Mona, a Canadian that has worked in Rwanda for several years and they have a 6 month old son, Jonathon, that is the cutest baby boy I have ever seen. Go to these websites if you want to know more:

cdbaby.com/cd/ezrakwizera

http://www.myspace.com/ezrakj

Steve and Ema, his brothers also work in the studio, as well as Patrick, who produces alot of different projects, and Douglas who specializes in Graphic Design. Steve and Patrick actually sing as well, and are shooting a music video for a song they just put together. We got to be in the video too! Autographs anyone? :D We just danced and looked like we were having fun with the guys as they lip synced. I think if I saw myself in the video, I would be embarrassed, but oh well.

But these friends we made...I'll never forget these guys. They are a huge part of all my memories of Rwanda.  So much laughter was rooted in the time we spent with our friends and nothing can replace that.

I am sad because I miss my Rwandan friends, but I am happy I will always remember them as my friends.

So it was day number one of the PHARP Peace Conference. I was the meet and greet person that sat at the registration table and tried her best to communicate with the Kenyans, Rwandans, and Congolese with the five words of French she learned from watching Madeline as a kid. Go ahead, laugh, you just know it's true for some of you as well. I was just glad that the rest of the participants were from countries that taught them English in their public schools.

There was a huge banner stretched along the back wall that read in three different langauges: Community Peace-Building Across Borders and Boundaries. That's what we were here for, to bring people of different nationalities, ethnicities, and backgrounds together to talk about, well, Peace.

Pastor Anastase said in his hesitant, heavily accented English that we were all fire-fighters that have come together to discuss how to best put out the fires of conflict and violence so the people will no longer worry about being consumed by them. It was simple and symbolic, and I liked it.

I was the only person under 25 in the room, looking on with her nose ring, barely visible tattoo, and bright yellow peasant skirt, stickers plastered along the cover of her Mac while she furiously types in order to keep up with the translator. I am making an outline of everything discussed at the Symposium, just like taking notes in my college courses...except I'm actually paying close attention and not taking internet breaks. (There's no internet in the building, I checked...)

...which is why I was surprised when I was actually made a PART of the conference, not merely an onlooker. I was forced to stand up and introduce myself and explain my role in the Symposium. They wanted to know why I was "excited to be there." Honestly...it was barely nine in the morning, and I longed for my soft, yet rickedy and mosquito-infested top bunk at home. But I talked about Fox, and how we were a Quaker college, a denomination well-known for its involvment in preventing violence and social injustices. I got alot of pleased nods and a group of Kenyans and Burundians that approached me excitedly afterwards. They are from the Friends Church as well! One even knew Lon Fendall. Small world. I will always love the Quakers.

Today, the discussion surrounded the Diaspora, which I've blogged on before. There was so much information, I don't even know what to type here.

There was Prof. Rwanyindo Pierre Ruzirabwoba, a sort of Billy Graham figure here in Rwanda. He is an ordained pastor, an advisor to the Rwandan president, and well-known for his work with peace-building and reconciliation within the country. He is an elderly man, probably around the age of 80, well-revered and considered a leader of great wisdom and integrity. When he spoke, everyone was silent and turned their body toward his small, intellectual frame. Everyone bowed a bit when they eagerly introduced themselves after recognizing him with an exuberant gaze. During group discussions, some people addressed their questions specifically to him.  This man was a legend.

Even though I had to wait to comprehend his presentation through a translator, he captured my full attention. You could just tell he was a humble servant that just wanted to help his people. He was in Rwanda during the Genocide, and well-known for assisting Tutsis any way he could with his status and influence within the country. Shaking this man's hand felt like such a privilege to me. I'll never wash them again! (You know I'm only HALF kidding)

I met another man named Vincent Ndacyayisenga, a Rwandan that has been living in Toronto, Canada, a member of the Diaspora, for the past 13 years. His parents fled there with him and his brothers and sisters in the 60's and he has been back to visit his homeland several times since. He almost came back during the time of the Genocide, but was warned against it by friends that were killed weeks later. He told me an interesting story about his stay in Harlem in the early 90's. When approached by another African-American on the street, he explained he was from Africa. He was almost beaten right then and there - "Why did you sell us?" was the exclamation addressed to him.

1. He is from Rwanda...not West Africa where the slave trade actually existed. Westerners didn't "discover" Rwanda until the late 19th Century, long after slavery was abolished.

2. Why bother someone you don't even know about something like this over a hundred years later?

Vincent and I continued to have a wonderful talk on the African Diaspora in the United States and the inability of Americans to reconcile within their own country.

We teach tolerance and condemn racism in our public and private schools. Our Constitution has been adjusted to give equal rights to all American Citizens, no matter what color. We are the “land of the free, home of the brave.” Yet the people of our country have problems with reconciling after our regretable history of racist and ethnic violence. Of course it is difficult to not be angry when a majority of people still exude racist attitudes, but most of them develop after having an interaction with someone that displayed racist actions. It's a never-ending circle. A lot of African-Americans grow up having a racist attitude against Whites because of the way they have been treated by them in the past. Some Native Americans are in the same exact situation. Look at the relationship between Latinos and Whites in the Northwest.

However, it seems like there are many people in our country that struggle to forgive and reconcile when they are wronged in ANY sort of circumstance. People go through counseling for depression, anger management, broken marriages, and lost friendships, because we cannot let people forget that they wronged us sometime in our past. I struggle with this myself, and it's hard not to dwell on it!

We are a country that is very focused on justice and "getting what you deserve," whether it is in a situation that means you need to be punished or rewarded. It is this attitude that tends to drive people to revenge and violence, whether emotional or physical, no matter how put together a person may be on the outside, or how developed and successful a country may appear. This is partly what this week is about, learning to move on constructively and force ourselves out of this vicious circle that is quickly spiraling downward.

And this is when I step off of my soap box. I've been on it all day and I'm exhausted.

Thanks for listening.

It's amazing how much a fake wedding ring, an iPod, sunglasses, and an indifferent facial expression facing the taxi window can affect unwanted attention from Rwandan men. Incredible...

Well, this is day two of my second week of Practicum. My time is mostly spent on research for the PHARP Conference, visiting families that have taken in orphans of HIV/AIDS or the genocide, and procrastinating the huge amount of homework I have due when I get back to Uganda in three weeks. It is pretty laid back and doesn't stress me out, but I know that this will all change when the Conference begins. The calm before the storm.

One thing I've been researching that has caught my interest is the concept and conflict surrounding the African Diaspora. If you don't know what that is, it's alright. I didn't either before I started looking. Basically, when some sort of conflict breaks out in a country, whether military, ethinic, or a natural diaster, the population flees. They become refugees and end up settling in another country, either in a refugee camp or, if they have money, just in the cities. These people are members of a Diaspora. They have "dispersed" from their homeland. If you have heard of this word, you most likely have seen the Jews acknowledged as so after they were exhiled from Israel back in the day.

Interesting enough, there aren't many studies done on these Diasporas, even though there are many of them that have existed for the past hundred years. People have left their homelands and never returned, causing generations to be raised in this situation. You might think, great, they are away from the conflict and their children can be raised in peace. This is not always the case.

For instance, considering the Rwanda Genocide, the Diaspora has existed since the 1950's, when violence against the Tutsi's first began. People fled to Uganda, the Congo, Burundi, Ethiopia, Kenya, Europe, and the United States. Many people have not returned. So where does the conflict come in?

In Rwanda, there is a huge strive toward Reconciliation and Healing for the victims and perpetrators of the Genocide. Within the country, it is simply a matter of interacting with the people and helping them through this process. With the Diaspora, however, this becomes a huge difficulty. Members of the Diaspora have no access to any of these actions taken by NGO's and the Rwandan Government. Some have no interest  in it either, many raising their children in the same mindset as theirs, usually unhealthy and full of prejudice. Since they cannot see Rwanda as it is now, a country with a longing to heal and move on, they cannot reconcile wholistically.

Also, there is a history of Diaspora communities funding violence within the country they have left. When something like a military coup occurs, the Diaspora usually supports the "Rebels" against the Government that was most likely some sort of dictatorship. When NGO's give these communities funds for Medical and Reconciliation Programs, the money instead usually goes to arming and supporting the groups fighting against the government. And alot of innocent people outside the Government are affected by this as well. Because of the past, these people know violence as the only way to solve problems and disagreements. It is a vicious circle moving in a downward spiral.

I'm not condoning the idea of these Dictator-runned Governments, but the fact that this money is going to acts of violence bothers me, and there's not much these NGO's can do about it without withholding funds completely and causing the death and suffering of those that are innocent within the Diaspora communities. It is something that should be researched and acknowledged as a problem. Instead, people don't want to touch these issues because of the complexities and danger involved in going in these areas. I have difficulties just finding information on the African Diaspora, which means this is something not well-known in the world. This bothers me...alot.

When you can, just remember Africa sometimes. I don't think enough people do. Regardless of the fad taking over Hollywood and Private Christian College campuses.

Yup, it's Practicum Time and that means I'm back in Kigali, Rwanda. It's strange being back in the place that caused me the most depression since I've been in Africa. My time in Kampala was restful, involving alot of sleep, rafting the Nile River and turning into a lobster despite the amount of 50 spf I used, shopping for gifts, uploading pictures onto my blog, and Harry Potter. :) - Our "RA couple" own all 7...

Memo to everyone. My bruinmail has been acting strange and I might not have been getting emails from some people this past week. Tell me if you have sent me one so I know I'm not missing anything!

In Kampala we debriefed about everything we learned and it was emotional, but very much necessary. And now I'm back in the midst of it, but with a different mindset. I'm here to do a job. No more 3 hour classes on Rwandan killing or international apathy.

Here's my address. Send me things! I'll be here for 4 weeks.

Food For the Hungry International
ATTN: Sarah White
P.O. Box 911
Kigali, Rwanda  Africa