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| Why do things change? To make us stronger? or is it just because they can?
Who knows... I sure don't.
"Mood: apathetic."
Why yes, you're right... that is how the 'Emo Kid' song starts out. Go figure. That's my mood though. The past two days at school have been pretty decent. I'll go a step further and even admit that they have been enjoyable. Maybe I'm changing... being more open? Maybe I'm realizing that I'm the reason for my current problems and worries. And maybe I'm trying to fix them without letting myself know. I've talked to old, and some distant friends, I've started new friendships with people who I would have never imagined, and I'm letting go of the hold I have on some of my old friends. I guess that means I'm letting my heart heal, and I'm learning to deal with growing up. Yet again, it's without me knowing, so it seems. A very important man told me today that he's proud of me. He said he was proud that I'm an observant girl who is maturing and realizing how things are and how people really are. That's another thing, I saw Mr. Avant today. That cheered me up an amazing amount.
I know things can't be how you want them to be. I know you're given difficult situations as a test of your strength. I know there are people who are placed in your life for seasons to help shape you into the person you are to become. Sometimes, it's just hard to let them go when you know it's coming. Or sometimes it's difficult to get out of the situation.
I'm getting older. I've always wanted to be older. I'm not afraid of growing older, I want it more than anything. Or maybe I want everyone to not judge me for just being young. My older friends realize how I am and how I act, and they seem to accept that. They're the ones whose company I enjoy the most. It's not because they're more mature or anything... it's just because they don't worry about who is asking who to a dance, or what grades they're making, or worried about who hates who. They're just there... living there lives, maybe not always enjoying them, but atleast they aren't worried about the lameness highschool brings.
Avant and I also talked about the whole concept of conforming to nonconformism. The people who try so hard to be different... all black clothes, all dark death metal music (which I do like), hair dyed black purple... who always complain about the lamest things... when in reality, they're just like their best friend who looks the same, talks the same, listens and believes the same things. (This concept goes for anyone... not just people who dress in all black. There's nothing wrong with that, I use to be like that). We compared that to anarchy. "Screw the government, who needs rules, we don't need them, we don't need leaders, screw the rules... oh by the way... here is our symbol that we're all united under" Haha. I love it.
Lately, I haven't felt like doing anything I use to like. I never feel like taking abstract pictures, writing, making videos, sketching, scrapbooking, homework, going to school, reading, hanging out with friends. I've just been feeling numb, apathetic, like an empty blob who takes up room in this over populated world. Maybe I haven't felt like doing any of those things because I haven't any motivation to do them. I'll be sitting somewhere and look at something from an artistic angle and wish I had my camera to capture that moment, but then I leave that spot and never think about it again. I think all of this is mainly because I have three jobs, go to school, and sleep when I'm given the chance. I'm just too tired to function... which is why I quit Cat. Country and probably quitting the paper soon. I don't want to, but it's just not working out. I think one job is enough for now.
I want to just get away... go visit people who aren't in Hernando, take a few people with me maybe, and just get away from everything. Thankfully, Christmas break starts next week for me and I'll be doing just that. Getting away... getting away from the hustle and bustle of school life, high school drama, Hernando in general.
I think it's time for me to find my motivation. I think it's time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself because I don't have my old group by my side 24/7 anymore. I think it's time for me to do the things I love again. I think it's time for me to stop rushing around. It's time for me to sit, relax, do the things I love, to stop time momentarily and just forget the world. I need to find my happiness in the things I once loved, not just the things I love now. I love Jamez more than I've ever loved anyone. But I want the little things to make me feel loved again too (photography, writing, filming) for when he and I aren't with each other during the days when we both work and such. I need to be myself again. I need to find myself again. Which starts at waking up earlier to dressing how I want and use to, to listening to music, playing bass, taking thousands of photos just because I can, and being myself.
It's time for me to sit, relax, and to just breathe...
to just breathe.
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| Have you ever felt like your life was coming to an end? Have you ever sensed such a creepy feeling? Well, I have and do. But at the same time, I feel like I'm going to be important one day. (wyhich is probably just wishful thinking). I wish we could could know when the world would end. That way, we could know if all the effort we put into our lives is even worth it. Why would I want to waste my time with the pain highschool brings if the world is going to end by the time I'm out of college? Life just seems pointless to me lately. And it's a lousy feeling to have. My home life isn't as bad as it could be, but it's nothing that makes me jump up and down. Jamez... is absolutely amazing. He's the best thing that has happened to me. He's my best friend. And the best boyfriend for me. My friends... gosh. I mis most of them so much. The ones I'm able to see alot are greant and I have so much fun with them. But for the ones I don't see very often (Kris, Ally, Mandy, Jamie, Jesse, Zach, and a few others) I miss soooooo much. to be continued...
Top favorite songs at the moment:
"Bubbly"- Colbie Caillat
"Her Eyes"- Pat Monahan
Dirty secret of the month:
I watched three episodes of Hannah Montana the other day... and liked them.
What's special about today:
Tehee! Jamez. <3
Current mood:
happy/sleepy/anxious
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| Time to type.
Okay, what to say?
There's a load on my mind, and I'm not sure how to type it all out.
I tried typing this blog three times last night. All three times it failed.
Currently, I'm sitting in my kitchen with my body leaning towards the right because I seem to have pulled a chest muscle. It's a weird muscle to pull, but stuff happens. I went to school this morning feeling like total grossness, and I struggled to stay awake during first period... but then in second people I just felt like complete crap. I got my awesome mom to check me out, and now I'm home... sitting on the computer and watching Sxe phil on youtube.com Dude is pretty amazing.
So. the election. There are some crazy people running. Especially in the democratic party... who is it? Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton? Because that's exactly what our country needs. I mean... a woman from president? I swear... she'd blow up a country... just picture it: *radio static* "Sir, Mrs. Clinton has blown up a small island in the Atlantic that no one has ever heard of," some govt. agent says. "What was her reasoning behind it?" "Well sir..." *goes to the whitehouse*... "It was my time of the month. I needed to take out the frustration somehow!" Clinton whines. Yeah... that's exactly what America needs, a female president. *says with the most sarcasm imaginable* And Obama... well, I'm not even going to start on that one.
But a couple in the republican party: Rudy Giuliani and Ron Paul.
Giuliani... he's a character. Good mayor, good mayor. But, as president? I can't see that happening. Then again, I'd rather him win than the two democrats I named. Eh. But Ron Paul. The man has a lot of good points and ideas. His ideas sometimes seem so great that it's hard to believe it could ever happen. but still, the man has a strong will and I believe he'd make a hell of a good president. 
The other day I was sitting in class. My teacher hands all of us a practice test and we all pretty much zone out from that point on. I stare at her [well past her] and nodd my head when I notice her stare comes in my direction. I feel like I was in Charlie Brown's classroom listening to his teacher ramble on with misunderstood words streaming out of her mouth. Those moments really make you love school.
So.. who has an xbox 360 and wants to be ownd at Halo 3? Eh... any takers? It's been out for more than two weeks now, right? And I still haven't played it. It's pretty much annoying. I hear it calling to me in my deepest of sleep at night. haha. it's like "Lainey... join us. come use us... be a mangula"
So... like I said yesterday... memories are just gilded imaginations of the mind.
[gilded, for you dumb people (or the people who don't have the biggest vocabulary... well, or anyone else) means something cheap that is covered in gold or something of high flashy value.] I remember the times in eighth and ninth grade, and that's really all they are. Sure, I was happy... I still had all my best friends by my side all the time and I had a great time with my mom. But... you know, those were the years my dad left us and when things just weren't easy for my mom and me. So it makes those memories gilded. It's possible for beauty to only be skin deep when it comes to memories.
One night I gazed out my bedroom window up at the amazing sphere of wonder in the sky. How can something so enormous and beautiful look so small to all of us? Can you imagine it not being there? Can you imagine living life without the romantic feel that the media gives us of "moonlit walks on the ocean sands"? What if something natural that you love the most was just simply non existent (sp?) anymore? How different would your life be just because of one thing like that? You know.. and another thing, how long until the world is really going to be over? My prediction... an amazing president wins the 08' election, when 12' comes along hilary clinton or obama will run again, one will win... (anti-christ major) and they will tear apart all of the success the previous president has made. Sounds like a theory/prediction. but who knows. I'm not afraid of dying and I'm not afraid of the world ending... I'm just not ready. I want to grow up, become a journalist of physical therapist, get married, maybe have kids, live life to the fullest, and die of old age with a dozen grandchildren.
That's all for now.
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| Hey everyone.
How's it going? Good, I hope.
I've been doing great these last two months, until now. I don't know what happened yesterday. It was just a bad day all around. Jamez has kept me smiling though.
Band is just so frustrating. If you don't want to be in there, why stay? We'd rather you not.
When you watch a band like DC or OB... you know all of those kids are working together and aiming for one thing. State champions. And you also know that they [all] want to be in that band. I honestly believe that's what is holding us back from our potential. We're doing great, and I'm proud... but it's still not where it should be. Last night was our exhibition at Olive Branch. It was so much fun. We all finally felt that nervous feeling. Even all three of us section leaders up front (lol). I was the first one to march onto the field. That was pretty nerve-racking for me I guess. Not too bad though. We did pretty great, we just have to keep working hard-er. The trip home was [alot] of fun. It got a little out of control though when people started cussing, so we got in trouble. Sucks. lol, I did make a new friend last night though. But, the whole night was awesome in most ways, until some crazy woman started yelling at Mr. Langley in the band hall.
That was band.
now onto some friends.
I was really down the other night because of one of my friends. He's like my best guy friend. We got into it kinda, but we're okay now. He apologized and so did I. So it's all a-okay.
My other friend.. I don't know what's up with you, but I hope things get better for you. I'm really tired of not having my best friend. Distance shouldn't matter. =/
I'm not really down and all out depressed. I just have alot of feelings mixed in together and it's bringing me down I guess.
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| So... it's time for a new blog already. yesyes.
I've worked Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night so far... and I'm working all day today (starting at 12).
Thursday... we got out of work at 8:45.
Friday.... we got out of work at 11:05.
Saturday... we got out of work at 10:00.
lol.
After work Friday Jamez came over. =]
Ahh... he's so amazing.
And then last night.. after I got off work, he came over again.
And again... he's so amazing.
I went to work Saturday morning around 7:45... got out of there around 8:45... then I headed to Southaven to see my sweetie!
We watched Hot Fuzz. Yeah, I for real love that movie.. I'm so going to buy it today after work at Wal-mart, yo! lol
Then, we went to the hockey rink in Southaven.. and I watched him and Tony play hockey. It was entertainingly fun. =p
Then, we went to taco bell.. yummyness. ordered the [same thing] lol and then went back to his house and washed my car.
So... I'm pretty much crazy about this guy. He's the sweetest, coolest, bestest boyfriend ever. He and I are so much alike, we understand where the other is coming from, it's just wonderful. I'm glad he's in my life, bc I can imagine being happy without him now. He just makes me smile constantly, and knows exactly how to make life fun.
=]
   
Hmm... that's all for now. Bc I'm sleepy and need to go take a shower.
<33
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