"Could You Have Been Saved?" 
Dear Friends, It's hard to believe come November, I would have had my homestead site and Almost Perfect site for 9 years. Wow, I think of it being that long and it seems like a brief moment yet forever at the same time. I still remmeber Angel Haven, a site I still frequent now and again. I have even kept in touch with people over these years. NINE years. Wow. And the entire time my main focus has been teaching others the dangers and damage of eating disorders. Now now, I dont want to hear "Not again!". So if you dont want to read about the long story, please skip this post and move on. However, I get new names and new friends who question me, and I must answer so they understand my mission and my reason for being here. My main mission has become to "wake up" those who are fighting thier EDs' who are where I was at one point in my life. When nothing the doctors told me made a registration in my brain or blared sirens in my heart to seek help. No, in 1995 as I was going to college, help was sought for me. I was working at Pierce College then. A wonderfull place surrounded by wonderfull family and friends in the Advisers area. I loved it yet hated it at the same time. I loved the people, but hated to be there because then is just when my panic attacks had started to rear thier ugly head. Goodness at the time when they wrote the story(some of you have the copy of it still I hope!) I was all of 94 pounds. I was biking 30 miles a day and doing aerobics for 45 minutes a day. I was even taking one box of laxatives every day. 
How can she not overdose then if she is taking a box of laxatives? I dont know. Gods grace perhaps? I have lots of examples of God pulling me from the very depth of Hell to save me. Anyways after a year of watching me go from a healthy 135 pounds down to 94, my bosses and friend pressured me into seeking help. So in 1995 I met Dr. Smith. Now Dr Smith knew me more than I knew myself. I was his first eating disorder patient, but at the Community Health Care Clinic he still took me under his wing and tried his hardest to learn so he could help me. He even went to a conference on Anorexia and Bulimia in hopes that he could somehow save me. None of his warning signs or anything got to me. In fact in 1996, when he put me into Tacoma General with a heartbeat of 43, it didnt help me. The only thing that mattered to me was that I now weighed 104 pounds and I was angry at him because he let me gain 10 pounds. He lied! He just wanted to get me fat! It didnt matter that I was under cardiac care for 3 days. When each night my alarm went off, signaling to the nurses there that my heartbeat was stopping blood from going to my brain. Yes, even back then I almost died. I still remember a psychologist coming into my CICU room and talking to me about how I was killing myself by starving myself. I woudlnt eat when they sent in breakfast, lunch and dinner. It didnt matter to me that I had wires hooked to my very fragile heart. Hell, it didnt hit me when I had my first heart attack in 1998. At 26 years old I had my first of two heart attacks. The second one was a mild one in September of 2003 and we found it by accident during a routine EKG. That is when I met Dr. Salam. And I was in heart surgery in December of 2003. My brithday. I remmeber that surgery. They couldnt put me all the way out. But they put me out enough to not remember it all. But I remmeber Dr. Salams gasp when he said "I found 2, here's the other one". when I heard him say "Here's the other one" I felt my heart literally stop. When he left that part of my heart, it started to beat again. My oxygen level dropped and I was put on more oxygen. He burned and reshaped my aorta and took care of one of the two heart arrhythmias. he put his hand onmy shoulder "Nancy, remmeber when I told you that we were in danger of paralyzing your breathing? We are there now and I must stop. I cant get the second arrhythmia". It was too close to my diaphram and if he continued, he risked paralyzing my lungs. He didnt want to risk that. So he sent me back upstairs and I as in the hospital for 2 days. I remember going back to Dr. Smith until around 2003. I had many problems then. Barely 100 pounds, I had heart attacks, I had been fainting due to the heart disease, I had been getting sick repeatedly. After some tests and a long talk Dr. Smith explained EVERYTHING that was going to happen to me and he didnt think I would make it to aged 30. He was so convinced that the Anorexia would take my life, that every time I left his office, he didnt expect me to come walking back in. Is howed him! Back the train up for amoment, but I was hospitalized for 2 weeks at Ballard EDU in May of 1996. The college I had gone to raised 17,000 dollars for me to go into in patient treatment, where they got me up to 108 pounds. I was in the frame of mind then, that I didnt want the help and I was ANGRY because I was forced into doing it. My bosses and Mom literally took over, and drove me 3 1/2 hours from home and placed me into an intensive eating disorder unit. Where I spent 2 of the longest weeks of my life. I vowed when I got out to lose the weight they put on me. Sadly, because I was selfish and didnt want the help, when I came home I quickly went down to 99 pounds. In 2003 I was BLESSEd with one of the most wonderfull doctors Dr. May at Yelm Family Clinic, and she warned me of everything that my starving and purging would do. My digestive system would crash, my already diseased heart would stop, I would break bones, get arthritis. All of it going in one ear and out the other. Now before you get angry with me, if I could go back to 2003 and change things, I would. But it wasnt in the cards because God had other plans for me, an important mission. I did nothign with my life from 2003-2005. I guess after having the heart surgery I hit a new low and I didnt care anymore. If I could survive 2 heart attacks, certainly I could survive *anything*! I did however, put on a great mask as I built my website. I talked to many many victims of Eating disorders and tellign them to get help, that they "could do it".(You see, i've been around a LONG time  ). I focused more on helping others, and my friends online that I forgot about Nancy, and soon my new escape was the computer, and building my website. Hunger was no longer a "symptom" of my disease. So I could go 8 days without eating a thing. On th e8th day I would allow myself to eat a moon pie. Actually 2. I would then purge it, and start all over with the starvation process. However, in 2005, early 2005, things started to hit me. I started to realize that this was the life I didnt want to live. Most of all I was pissed because I was 30 and felt God was punishing me because I was still here. Still had the voices, still had the routine, still fought the demon. I was very selfish. I never thought through those years, waht this was doign to my family, let alone my little sisters, or my neices and nephews. I didnt think of my parents, I only thought of myself, helping online, and dealing with my ED by not eating. But as I said, in 2005, some switch had been flicked and I quit cold turkey in January. I quit cold turkey and began to eat. However, every tiem I ate something I would throw it back up. And not purposefully. In March 2005 I woke up in the middle of the night in intense pain. I was taken by ambulance to St. Peters and underswent many tests, insert the BEST doctor int he world, Dr. Buckner. EVERYTHING DR. SMITH WARNED ME ABOUT WAS COMING TRUE 
She found out that my gall bladder failed and sent me to a surgeon and had it removed. Out of curiousity after I told her I was throwing up, she did and endoscopy and colonoscopy. In the colonoscopy she found a very slight case of Ulcerative Colitis. In the Endoscopy, she found undigested food. She sent me to have a Gastric Emptying study done and they found what is called as Gastreoparasis in 2005. She sent us to Virginia mason(I hope I'm right about the year, it was eeither 2005 or 2006). But she sent us to Virginia Mason, where Dr. Patterson did a second Gastric Emptying study and he too found about 30 percent of the food still in my stomach, gone undigested. Later we had surgery. Stomach surgery where they inserted a Gastric Pacemaker. We were lucky because that is when I opened the fund, and the fund allowed my family to travel to Seattle for the surgery. They helped with food and lodging so that my family would be by my side before, during and after the surgery. I was in Virginia Mason for about 2 days and given a WONDERFULL 98 percent chance of the pacemaker working!!!! In March of 2006, I had my first NJ tube inserted  
Needless to say, the gastric pacemaker failed. We gave it a year. I had lost more weight and we were out of options. Dr. Buckner and Dr. Patterson felt that the NJ tube would benefit me because it went passed the inside of my stomach into the jejunum. We had *finally* found something that may work. The jejunum I believe is the beginning of th eintestines, so anything that went into my NJ tube bypassed the stomach. I didnt have a bowel movement for weeks. Dr. Buckner tried Miralax, she tried Glycolax, she tried EVERY medical laxative out there, but by the time June came, I was throwing up even the harshest liquid laxative. How could I throw up if everything that went into my NJ tube skipped my stomach? Because even with Gastreoparasis(a parlyzation of the stomach), the TOP part of the stomach still works, hence you can still vomit with this disease, and its horrible. In August 2006 when I could handle no more, Dr. Buckner decided on a right side Groshong central line. I was in the hospital for 4 days: 
So began my TPN days in August of 2006. Everything Dr. Smith told me would happen began 4 years after when he thought I'd lose my life. I was given a 20 percent chance of living 3 years on TPN. It was a large blow to the family, but I had already lived nearly 4 years after being told I would lose my life. In the first month, I had my first infection. I was back in the hospital for a central line infection, and the groshong was pulled. I was then put on a PICCLINE and given a GJ tube. The GJ tube was a last ditch effort to try and get my intestines to empty. I was placed on Jevity along with TPN. But I was on such a low dose of Jevity that it wasnt even a can a day. 
2006
After my October infection I was placed on a PICCLINE. The PICCLINE was another central line out of one of the arms. It goes into a main artery and into the bloodstream through the heart. From January 2007-May of 2008 I had 11 major blood infections. All hospitalizations. In January of 2008, I had been fighting my 10th infection since November of 2007. While in the hospital with this infection, I was introduced to my new Infectious Disease Doctor named Dr. Standard. Dr. Standard gave me a 95 percent chance of a fatal infection. I have lived with this line since January 2008 and have so far had one major blood infection. Dr. Standar back then in January gave me 3-6 months. I had no immune system, I was failing to thrive, I was losing weight, my heart was weak and time was not on my side. I have lived 5 of the 6 months since Dr. Standart saw me. Last month I went to my cardiologist, who discovered that I was now in right sided heart failure, and he has given me up to 4 months. I have proven Dr. Smith wrong by 5 years. Granted, everything he told me would happen has happened. I live with dibilitating arthritis, right sided heart failure, failure to thrive, potassium dificiency, Iron dificiency(in which I get Iron infusions through my doctors at Capital Oncology), folic acid deficiency and b12 deficiency. I have been in the hospital 10 times with infections since put on TPN in August of 2006. To say I am the poster child of what Ed's do to you is an understatement. How am I now? I am weak and tired. I have to use a walker. I am on a heavey dose of heart medicine and diuretic. I see a weekly homehealth care nurse nameds Sandy, who changes my dressings, checks my blood, vitals and etc every Wednsday. I go foro Iron Infusions. I see my cardiologist as needed. I was sent home to die. I have put up with a LOT of hate filled posts. As well as a loving online family. I have been blessed with being sent to the Ocean for 3 days. I met Barbara/Mommie in August of 2000. I was honored and blessed to be sent to meeet Mercy Me in person. I saw thier concert. I was given a walker by online friend. The donation option remains open for gas, bills, medical costs etc. For example I am being sedated on Monday for a tooth pull. And that was taken care of. The friends and support online has been my driving force. I live in my room, on my bed. I take small daily walks around the circle of our mobile home park when arthritis allows. The people of the city have been wonderfull altho I have been made fun of. My family is barely hanging in there. Jennifer goes to online school only. She had too many panic attacks at regular school so they sent her to online school. My mom has quit her job to become my caregiver and is paid by the state. I live each day not knowing if its my last. I dream every night of Heaven. I help support anyone online that needs someone to talk to. But I sleep 14 hours a day. I cant drive. But I see my friends at BK and Safeway every day. Just to go in and say hi. It's hard dying, because I dont know how to let go. i'm beyond tired. But I hang on for my family. I have many bad days taht I hide from both my family and online. They need me to be strong. Because if they see me weak, they think they I am giving up. So I try to save the crying for night time. For when I am alone in my room. It's hard for me because I see people moving on with thier lives, and I feel as though I am stuck in time. My worst fear is to be forgotten. I am not afraid to die. My fear of being forgotten is closely being put to rest by friends who have purchased bricks with my name on it. My neighbors are building my garden, and it says "Nannys Garden" on it, as well as having frogs and other nick nacks in it. So I know Jenny will care for it while I'm gone. I'm in the process of sending a few personal items off to friends, for remembrance. My family is giving the thought of moving. This house is filled with too many memories, and after I'm gone, too many painfull memories. I am looking forward to my Movie the Xfiles this coming Friday. I am hoping to go with no problems. And thats it. I see my parents when I can. I see my siblings every single day. My neices and nephews every single day. But I miss my sister kathy and my neices Ashley and Chelsea. So there is my story and I am stickign to it. God bless you if you aer still here with me! That is my long health history. There has been so much pain along the way. More than you could ever imagine. I am still here. Still willing to help anyone who needs a listening ear. Willing to share my thoughts and prayers. I long to belong. I long to be loved and reminded of that. I can no longer travel. So meeting anymore friends is off the table. I've dealt with a lot of things I can NO longer do. Now, you asked me, looking at my past, would I go back and change it. No. Why the hell not? Because I found God through all of this. I found friends and family. But mostly God. The man I pushed away so many times during my life. I have a lot of time with Him. He shows me a glimpse of Heaven every night. And I pray to Him every night. let me come Home soon. Soon. Love Nancy The physical changes from 2005 until now have been drastic. An obvious proof that I am losing my life ever so slowly. 2005 
2007 
2008 
PS Barbara(Mommie) who I met in person in 2000 has offered me her life. Darrin offered me any organ he could spare. My precious precious friends. Mommie: You have an amazing reason to be here. I need for you to carry on our story long after I"m gone. Remember our meeting, chasing our sunset. I'll be with you. Darrin: You have been such a cherished friend. You have offered me the world. You truely are a gift from God and I cherish you. Angel marcia: I can Only Imagine. If I could meet you......... Most of you have been with me through the good and the bad. Barbara and Angel Marcia since 1998 and 1999. Soem of you haev seen the difference and watched as the damage has been done, and taken my life. I know that is not an easy thing to do. You could simply walk away, yet you continue to be holding my hands, and helping send me to Heaven. Darrin, all of you. Thank you for taking a part in the process taht is my life. thank you for helping me prepare, and send me off to Heaven. my precious preciosu friends. Make me cry again! A lot of you have just come into my life(Kathy and others). How I wish I could have met you sooner. Thank you for standing beside me and helping me t hrough this disease, and journey to Heaven I love you. Nancy PS I read somewhere someone posted about me "If she ever does die lol". I will never truely die. I'll be with god and waiting for my loved ones. But i'll finally be free from this pain. | 
True
Lifetime
thank you lord for small favors. we are sorry to say goodbye to capital oncology who has taken such good care of nanny for the passed year or so, but our hearts belong to our doctors. dr. xuan takes care of nanny whenever she has an infection and we just,,,,we need this doctor.
