Tired. and Random blog thoughts.

I've been in the workforce for almost 5 years now. I'm tired. There are so many uncertainties in life and whenever i get stressed out about life, it comes back. it being my struggle with being a transexual person.

i really don't crave male-to-male affirmation, i just want to be adored in someone's eyes again. to be called pretty or beautiful. to be told that i'm feminine and womanly. i crave it so badly.

i recently read a book called "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons. It's a book about female aggression or female bullying. My reflection of the book: "So What? Are you telling me that Americans have been so ignorant about female bullying until recently? Back in Asian schools, I saw and observed female bullying all the time." I suppose I'm mainly upset at the guest speaker in one of my classes that came in to speak about adolescent behavior challenges in educational settings.

I'm pursuing a girl right now.

I feel far far away from God... Pray for me if you will.

I bought my first rainbow ornament in several years. don't worry, i only wear the rainbow as a symbol of beauty, deliverance, and God's promise. in this case, i think i bought it bcoz it looked pretty. :)

Recently read "Train Man," the Japanese love story. The guy was a wuss. Maybe why I rarely look up to some Asian men. No wonder ppl have often said I'm pretty manly. Well compared to a bunch of wusses, sure, even an intelligent girl would seem manly in Asia sometimes.

I'm a nice guy when I'm a boy. I'm not shy at approaching women (or men), I don't feel like dating sometimes when I'm not even sure who I am.

A Darker side of a Christian who's seeking Transparency

When I say Transparency, I mean I want to live life real and show the world not just the goody-goody side of Christianity but also the part where Christians learn from their errors, their trials and suffering.

Last night when I was lost trying to find that hotel where the CIA event was, I got so frustrated that the thought of showing the Boston civil engineers a piece of what I thought about them kept coming to my mind as I drove around in circles. I wanted to swear so badly, I did say wtf once, but held it back and used food terms instead of swear words. I swear, but I'm trying to get rid of my potty mouth. no big, i don't care if others swear, but i believe it's better not to swear in the end.

I did scream out of frustration. Wanted to stop my car in the middle of the street and start swinging my fists, I didn't. Wanted to give some civil engineers a taste of my round-the-house taekwondo kick or a RTH muay thai elbow-in-ur-face move. So freaking frustrated that I was nearly crying bcoz those neverending streets keep turning into these long ramps onto the highway (spent $4.00 worth of pay tolls that night).

Starting thinking that maybe I should just go home or maybe God didn't want me to go to the admissions event for some reason. But then, the stubbornness in me drove me to keep pressing forward. I remembered two Biblical figures, Abraham and Paul.

The image of Abraham wrestling with God's Angel came to mind. The image of Apostle Paul speaking of pushing all our hindrance aside to pursue God with all our heart.

I told God, I'm not gonna give up this easily. I've never pursued anything as such with all my heart, and I love cooking. I want to become a proud cook, not of my own capabilities but of what God can lead me to do even as a mere cook. I said, I'm not gonna give up. I'm gonna keep fighting, God. I'm gonna push all the obstacles away and even if this means I'm gonna face hardship, what life is without hardship, Lord? I wanna push, I wanna push, I wanna fight and overcome all my obstacles and all my fears.

This is what Passion is, isn't it? I want to pursue God as such too, though it may be difficult, and for the short time being before the final meeting with God when we go to heaven that we can't actually see or touch Him physically in our lives right now.

It's difficult, but I will press on. I still wanna finish my masters in special education. and I still wanna pursue both a degree in culinary arts and baking/pastries. Crazy, I love being crazy with passion. Una Passion (note: not a Spanish word)!

Thxgiving Menu

I realize it's been quite a period of time since I last logged any meals I have been preparing and serving for others. Anyhow, for tmr's Thxgiving dinner, I've been invited to a potluck at my friend's friend's house. Roughly 15-16 people will be there and everyone's bringing their own contributions. My friend Claire I think is preparing a turkey and a pie with the host. I myself have been asked to produce some fruity breads, muffins, and desserts. So nothing outta the ordinary, I'm gonna make some real traditional and mundane breads for dinner.

My menu:

(1) Mango Bread (some have said my mango bread is to die for, unfortunately I have to retrace my recipe as I have lost it)

(2) Banana-raisin Muffins (a new recipe I shall try)

(3) Fruity Ricotta Bacon Hors D'oevours (my experiment)

We shall see how it all turns out! I might also go buy some ice cream tmr to go with the mango bread and the apple pie for dessert. Or some type of citric syrup for the mango bread, we'll see about it.

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Last night I went to a CIA admissions event. Boston roads are the worst. I was lost in a single neighborhood for roughly 50 minutes to an hour because:

(1) no street signs

(2) lots of one way traffic

(3) a closed bridge

(4) lots of narrow one way streets that go on and on and on and... lead you to who knows where

(5) lots of the aforementioned streets that lead to dead ends or restricted access gates

(6) traffic jams (the location of the event is between the seaport, airport, Fenway park, a major bus terminal, and a major train station

(7) it was dark and raining and earlier in the day we had our first snow

I arrived at the conclusion of the admissions event, the last 10 minutes of the Q&A session after the admissions presentation.

Highlight: I got a CIA T-shirt. YAY~! I'm wearing it now for the first time! yes! Feel a cook's pride ^_^

Almost got deep fried huh?

It happened on Sunday night when I was cleaning up the Line along with my fellow teammates from the kitchen. My friend Gio and I were changing the deep fryer oil, and as Gio had emptied the deep fryer he asked me to help him carry this giant pot of boiling oil to the oil draining barrel. We carried the pot slowly but steadily across the Line and to the dishwash area shouting "Hot, hot" or "Hot Oil" or "Caliente, mucho caliente." Then all that blocked our access to the garage where the oil draining barrel was this fire door. Thus we put down the pot, and as we were lowering the pot, either Gio or I had lowered it at a different pace and the oil started to stir in the pot and splish splash oops yowza! We get burned by 350 F of hot boiling oil! I thought this day would come much later in my cooking career but you never know when accidents will happen. Gio immediately got a pinkish red burn mark on his right wrist. I almost dropped my grip on the handle on the pot coz I got burned first and had to switch arms to hold my side of the pot, and then Gio got burned after I got burned on my left hand. Both of us screamed like little girls and jumping up and down waving our burned hands. Now in retrospect, I realize that none of the other more experienced line cooks ever scream aloud when they get burned, and they get burned from oil spills from time to time as well! As I was waving my left hand in the air, it was by God's grace that I had a latex glove on, and one of the quick thinking dishwashers quickly instructed the other dishwasher standing closest to me to take off my glove for me. Oh Mucho Gracius mi amigo! Seriously, after such excruciating pain, the boiling oil only managed to burn the really surface of my skin and not any deeper due to the glove I was wearing. I was wearing a glove on my left hand coz I had cut my finger earlier that night in the kitchen, and you know, don't handle food with bruised hands unless you have a protective latex glove on it.

I don't want my Masters anymore

I don't really care about studying hard for my Masters degree anymore. I still care about studying but not in this direction. I'm halfway through and I don't enjoy quitting halfway through, it's just been a bore, a tedious task when my heart's ambition is no longer here in this Masters degree. I did some thinking, as soon as I graduate from graduate school, I'll probably immediately admit myself into another whole different career field, namely Culinary Arts. As someone close to me put it, has never seen me so motivated to reach a specific goal ever in my life. I've always seem to be slacking off or unmotivated, but for once in my life, something seem to really grasp my heart. Not even my pursuit for a Masters degree and built up ambition to open my own school one day has convinced this Close One that I'm truly, deeply motivated from within.

Alas, I sought out my academic advisor today to ask if possible to switch my graduate degree program from a licensure to non-licensure degree. However, before I spoke, she had something else ready for me, something that holds me in place and pretty much have to stay in my current degree program which takes a longer amount of time to complete. I was randomly selected by my employer to do something with my graduate degree program, and since my employer is the one whom sponsors most of my tuition, it's purdy difficult to decline and not leave a bad impression. Alas, with a masters degree and teaching license, i can always have a back-up plan as necessary.

These times when I'm stressed out or tired, I feel like walking into my kitchen and cooking something up to distract my mind. Alas.