Lately everything has seemingly been going through ups and downs. Then
again, when is that ever not the case? Shit happens. No one can control
the direction that their emotions take them and this time i should've
known better to realize it before jumping to anything, something that
I've always done in the past yet fail to remember to avoid as time goes
on.
Still, I can't help but smile. Smile at the good things going on, and
the good things that have happened. The semester's almost over and I
can't wait to get everything out of the way so I can just relax and
have a good time.
Advice is something that someone tells another after they have made a mistake so they won't let others repeat their own.
Why did I type all of this? Because I don't want to be early for class.
Leaving for China in 12 hours or so, and since the media's #1 priority is to inflict fear into the public and subconsciously persuade us to buy the most un-necessary items related to being safe such as a Portable Radiation Detector that you put into your keychain, (I kid you not, they have these things, if a nuclear bomb ever explodes in your general vicinity you can take your family somewhere...safe?) or god forbid an Anti-Cat With Rabies Mine, I've decided that since theres a chance I won't make it back (maybe my airplane explodes due to excessive consumption of beans as meals on it) I've taken on the liberty to write my will here. However, as many of you probably know, I dont have really have anything of value, thus your possessions will be the ones that I will give away.
JEFFS WILL
Jason's house will be sold to construct a gold statue of myself in Central Park. Kenny's house will be rented out to provide housing quarters for Jason's family. Keep in mind that Jason will not be allowed to live there, he will be left to fend for himself in the forest to prove his worth as a man. Anthony has nothing of monetary value, thus his organs will be sold in order to provide a bulge in the groin area of my gold statue. David is a member of the US Army, therefore he is of vital use to this country...however his computer is not. His parts will be taken and put into my computer to make it even better than it already is. Brian also has a computer of decent value, his geforce card will be put into my computer as well. My computer will then be sold to make the bulge even bigger on my statue. King will go through a vigorous training regime consisting of climbing Mount Everest, running through the Sahara Desert in less than 15 hours, (if he fails to meet the allotted time, he will have to do it again) boxing a kangaroo, and wrestling a bear. The reason? My personal pleasure. I need entertainment up there. Jason C. will pray in front of my statue for 2 hours a day while massaging himself. Who doesnt need a good massage every now and then? Jenny, having great experience with Adobe Photoshop, will spend the next few weeks in sweatshop conditions taking pictures of a ripped guy working out in the gym with my face put over it, then proceed to post them all over the Internet. Normans money will go to my Mom because I love her and Norman loves me thus it makes logical sense that he would do so. Davids Gamecube will be sold, and combined with the few measly dollars that he currently has, will be spent on the plaque on my statue. It shall read: "JEFF IZ TEH L337" Berty, being the one who leaves the most comments on my xanga, will continue to do what she loves to do...but this time she will have to leave 20 comments a day saying how much she misses me and how much she wished that she never knew me so she wouldnt have to leave 20 comments a day on my xanga. (Be grateful that your money isnt going into my statue)
I know that there are many of you that I've forgotten (Victor, Jack, Karyn, Monica, Saurabh, Shi, Ted, Karl, Norman, Eileen and Jen from work, the list goes on), so if you read this, you are responsible to send me a check for 136 dollars (thats the max according to my lawyer) regardless of whether or not I make it back alive. Happy Check-Writing. On another note, give Prince a guitar and he turns into god for about 3 minutes.
Due to popular demand, or, actually random people just asking about it, I've decided to do that whole "Two drinks taste testing" thing that I did oh so long ago. To those of you who werent lucky enough to obtain my friendship for more than a year, I basically take two random drinks a week, try them, and give them ratings. I'll show you which ones that you should literally kill your neighbor for, and which ones you should avoid like the black death. So, here it goes:
Vault Zero: Despite its pessimisstic name which would upset a large number of bank robbers, for some reason Vault Zero does maintain a decent stand in the taste department. Despite it being the diet version of what you would least expect to be the brother of this soda, Vault Regular, you can drink this green bottle fluid without grimacing in disgust, puckering your lips and squint your eyes like you're Chinese. Even though I'm sure 90% of you reading this is Chinese. As with all diet sodas, it contains a certain amount of good ol aspartame, so for a dollar or dollar 25 you can get a good ol kick of cancer. It's far more cheaper than cigarettes, which has risen in price to up to 5-6 dollars over the past few years and can give you lung cancer. So lets do the math, lets say that on average, you'll have to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day for 5 years in order to have a 85% chance of being diagnosed with cancer.
365 x 5 = 1,825
Thats 1,825 days, plus one more for a leap year, so its really 1,826. Now, its 5 bucks for a pack of cigarettes, correct? Lets look at the budget you will need to come down with lung cancer:
1,825 x 5 = $9,125
In case you're wondering, yes, I did that in my head, I'm Asian. Now, lets say you have to drink a bottle of Vault Zero a day to come down with the form of cancer Aspartame inflicts. (I dont follow the news, so if any of you smartasses wanna say "You're so stupid, Jeff, everyone knows that Aspartame inflicts _____ cancer, I DONT CARE") because after all, a pack = a bottle if you follow the math of a preschooler.
Therefore:
1,826 x 1 = $1,826
You will be spending practically 8 times less! What a deal!
Vault Zero: 7/10
Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink: Now, what is the NUMBER ONE rule of bottling or canning green tea. MAKE THE DAMN BOTTLE OR CAN GREEN. Think about it, Arizona Green Tea is green, Sobe Green Tea is clear so you can see green, and Snapple Lime Green Tea has green labeling and the bottle is clear as well so you can see green (such genius) However, they have broken the unwritten code of honor. The regular version of this drink comes in black, (are they trying to scare us?) and the diet comes in red (perhaps as a little nod towards Communism?) Well Arizona, the fact that your name is a state that us East Coast ballers barely even care about and the other fact that your state is perhaps 67% of uninhabitable desert, you've pretty much lost in the naming department. I mean, its an ENERGY DRINK. YOU WILL NOT BE BURSTING WITH ENERGY IN THE FREAKING DESERT. "Oh hey, look at me, I'm in the freaking desert! I'm dying of thirst and it feels like its over 103 degrees and I think I see a beautiful oasis off in the distance but I can never get to it because it is just a mirage! Yippee!" Now, on to the important part, the taste. You can't really taste the green tea part of it at all. What you taste is a little bit of bitterness combined with a little bit of sweetness so you basically get a bittersweet symphony in your mouth. (You know you liked that little nudge at an old popular song) Do not purchase this thinking that you will receive the 100% Green Experience (AKA turning into the Hulk) because the "energy" that you receive from this is no more than a placebo effect, it says energy drink on it so you drink it thinking it will get you energized and therefore you motivate yourself to get energized without even knowing it. I drank it once, felt a LITTLE kick, then the second time I felt the same (which is like shit 70% of the time, btw)
