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| oh how I long for the deep sleep dreamingI've been in bed for almost two hours, tossing and turning trying to obtain the will to sleep. One would think, 'it's summer, why bother? You've got all night to sleep.'
I would think that too. If I hadn't been so desperate to escape my mind.
Sleep is the only thing keeping me sane at this moment in time. Sleep allows me to forget everything, escape reality, and find that peace I've been searching for. I don't have to think when I'm sleeping. I don't have to worry when I'm sleeping. I don't have to care when I'm sleeping. It's the perfect escape to every trouble casting another layer of shadows under my eyes.
What is the reason for all this talk about sleep and escaping reality you ask? Well I don't know if you're exactly asking, because I honestly doubt a single soul except mine is going to read this, but oh well. I can pretend can't I? No harm done.
I miss my friend Harley terribly. The only problem is, I feel unbearably guilty for even thinking of the possibility of missing him. One reason being he used to be my boyfriend, and I have a new one. Not exactly the best person to miss when you're dating someone else. But then again, I guess I have every right to miss him, seeing as he's dead and has been since January. Yes. Another friend that I've lost. By this time in about five years, I should be down to about five or six friends if I lose one every year. However, I lost another friend a few months back. I didn't know her too well, but it was still a loss. I guess I have to count in the leap years. An extra day, and extra friend. That seems to be the trend at least. Everyone is plotting to kill themselves. With that said, one can officially reason that I am going insane. Believing people to be plotting your death is one thing, but believing them to be plotting their own deaths to spite you is quite different. Maybe it's the sun getting to me. Or maybe I need to stop making excuses and except the fact that I am quite insane.
But, despite the brief tangent, July 15th was his 18th birthday. Or would have been, for that matter. I stopped by his old myspace profile to leave him a comment he would never read, wishing him a happy birthday. But as soon as the page loaded, I froze. I hadn't viewed his page since before he died, and I forgot all about his voice comment box. On it were recordings people left him that you could listen to. One of the recordings was of him saying hello to everyone. I played that brief five second clip and had a panic attack of epic proportions. I immediately broke into tears and started hyperventilating. Within seconds I was on the floor, though I never remembered getting there. I barely remember my knees touching ground, then my hands, and finally I was curled up in a ball on the ground in my basement, about to pass out. That was the first time I heard his voice since he died. I had a message from him saved on my phone, but the last time I listened to it I forgot to resave it. I almost died when I realized that. But by some miracle, I had his voice back. A tiny bit of comfort in this godforsaken shithole we call Earth.
So, upon conclusion after reading this little 3 in the morning blog, I hope you understand my reasoning for sleep to come. I am begging for sleep, so I can escape the reality that Harley isn't coming back. I long to dream and never wake up again. I am at peace when I'm asleep. I wish I could say the same for the rest of the day.
Harley once told me that some day I would forget him. I find that extremely hard to believe, seeing as it sill hurts as much today as it did the day he took his last breath.
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| Who would have thought...That the cool thing to do was the right thing.
I don't know if any of you have heard of SocialVibe, but I decided to check it out.
SocialVibe is an online site that lets you create your own profile, but with a twist. You choose causes you want to donate to and become active in, and pick companies to endorse that support SocialVibe and its causes. You earn points for being active and spreading your causes on sites such as myspace, xanga, etc. You also have chances to earn scholarships, enter sweepstakes and win prizes for spreading the word. It's simple too. All you have to do is post the code of your cause and SocialVibe keeps track of how many people have viewed the profile it's on, how many friends you've persuaded to join, and how active you are in helping out the cause.
I joined the cause Invisible Children, and I endorse Adobe and Gibson to help raise money for poverty, hunger, and my causes. The more points I earn, the more money my causes and endorsers receive. There's forums to chat in as well, so you get to meet people who have the same interests as you.
I am glad people of today's generation are finally stepping up to fight.
on a side note -
Happy [would have been] 18th birthday Harley.
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| Goodbye my almost loverI miss Harley. So much. | | |
| It was one year ago today...That I stood mere feet in front of Bono, Edge, Adam and Larry as they played what would be the single remaining show of their Vertigo Tour. One year ago that I thought would never have happened.
I sit here typing as I listen to the audio of the concert reminiscing (sp?) over my experience and how truly grateful and happy I am for that opportunity. Even though it makes me sad knowing I can never repeat that experience, I am happy to know I was part of it. Part of an opportunity, life-changing event, part of the U2 family.
I remember the excitement of waiting since before sunrise with Adrienne, from counting down the hours with the numerous U2 fans to the show, to the Baba O'Riley cover from Pearl Jam, the heart pounding intro Wake Up by The Arcade Fire, to the charismatic, lively, wild, and flag-wielding Bono, and finally the heart-wrenching feeling as the band left, and Larry stood up to speak his goodbyes.
Nothing will ever be able to replace that feeling or that memory, and it is one I will never be able to forget.
It was one year ago today... | | |
| I just have one thing to say...I met the band HIM :D :D :D :D
my life goal is complete :) | | |
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