|
|---|
|
I'm setting up a birthday calendar and need your help. Just click (or copy and paste) the link below and enter your birthday details. (It's quick, easy and you can keep your age secret!)
When's your birthday?
Amazon.com Yeah, biggest wish list ever. Tell me if any of these are worth it, or if they are just time wasters (please!)
|
|
| Leaving on a jet plane.Six hours until my plane leaves this forsaken land known as Iowa.
Flying into Amsterdam. 3 weeks in Europe. Flying out of London.
The rest is yet to be determined.
Excuse me, I have to go pack...
See you on the flip side, bitches!!
| | |
| I ran 9 miles today.I really have no idea how it happened. It was 5, then all the sudden 9. But I'll take it.
I still have yet to lose weight, due to the copious amounts of Count Chocula I consume when I should be sleeping.
My best friend had her baby today.
It was so beautiful to be with her during labor.
Beautiful in a sad way.
Because that incredible life experience, and intimacy shared there between her and her husband is something I will not ever experience.
Then I got lonely.
And my sister decided we shouldn't live together in the long run, because I might have a boy over at some point.
And I got lonelier.
So I ate some more Count Chocula.
And added more Nick Drake to my ipod for tomorrow's run.
I found a new motto I life, especially in this current "economic crisis."
'Live simply, so that others might live.'
I feel like an asshole for complaining about gas when some people can no longer afford rice.
And I get a 3 week vacation to Europe.
Because I'm an overfed American asshole.
I need time out of here.
To maybe get some inkling of what I want to do in the world.
Because this whole Iowa thing doesn't work.
Well, the summer isn't so bad.
But the winter is fucking brutal.
And I still don't know how to relate sometimes,
and I get lonely,
and eat lots of Count Chocula.
When I stop to think about it,
I'm fairly fucked up still, and haven't reconciled much of the past.
But anyway.
| | |
| Blow jobs.I just saw a "reminder" to women that said something along the lines of "Remember, women, blow jobs are like flowers for men."
I just want to know where the fuck my flowers are, then.
| | |
| I love mania.I'm fairly convinced there is more than a little bi-polar-ness in me. Which is why I will never subject my mood swings to a marriage or a child (at least not a child that I am responsible for having brought into the world).
It was a long ass winter full of darkness. But, miraculously, in one day, I'm over it and high as a kite (oh, yes, there is no drug like natural mania. Not that I would actually know, since I avoid drugs due to my all-too-addictive personality. But point made)
One thing that has made a drastic improvement in my mood, is that I have finally found something to look forward to. A few weeks ago my best friend Leah mentioned her husband's best friend, who is teaching English abroad, was going to take a couple of months to travel the world. And another friend of mine just went to Egypt. And I miss Turkey. And I have friends living in China. Etc. I really hate being in Iowa and dealing with petty bullshit and hearing that other people are living my dreams.
I've been working far too hard (too many hours in a stressful environment). Coupled with a really brutal winter and my over-sensitivity in general? I need a fucking break. I havent spent any money on anything other than rent and gas...and the occasional meal. I can afford it. I've got the vacation time saved up. Why the hell can't I get over my cheapskate self and see that I not only deserve, but NEED time out of Iowa...out of the U.S.?
So, a friend of mine in London has been asking for a visit, and fuck me if I didn't just take off 3 weeks to go do it. I've done London before, but this is a friend worth being with for 3 weeks -- besides, London is the gateway to the world. Cheap tickets abound. I'm taking full advantage, hopefully at least 2-3 countries. Oh, finally. People, you have no idea how relieved I am. I need this.
The only sad part? Now that the weather is sunny and nice, I remember how much I like my job and life and everything. Ideally, I'd take a big ass out of country trip next winter, to keep myself from disaster, but the company just made a new policy and I have to use the saved holiday hours (62) by June 14. So, I'm going to do it now, and I'll just have to finagle something else for next January.
I'm actually smiling for the first time in months. Blessings upon the sun. I haven't smoked in a month. In my "shedding winter" theme, I've lost 10 lbs. already (almost fit back into my jeans...), have been exercising every day, cutting back on extra hours at work, and deciding to live. And I'm getting the fuck out of Iowa. When I put in for the time off, my supervisor okayed it only on the condition that I come back. She knows me too well...
In other news, I got a new haircut with bangs. Every time I look into the mirror, I see the Japanese girl from Babylon. I'll get pics up someday. I'm headed to Chicago for the day tomorrow (bumming a ride with the family -- they are going to the Yankees game, I'm going to find some Whole Foods or some Lebanese Food. And shopping while they go to the game. I just need to get out of this town. Even for a day.
That's all. Mania...mania..maniaaaaaa.
| | |
| And the Turkish drama continues...It's been 2 years since the break-up, mind you. The final break-up, as in "I can't do this and it's not working and our lives are now separate."
I question my decision many days, as in "Did I give up that....for this?" Pros and cons on both ends. My new life is far from spectacular...or even interesting. I work far too much. I have a nephew who is so cute I could eat him to pieces. I've never been closer or realer with my sister. I realize my parents are not going to live forever, and I appreciate being in their general vicinity. I'm grateful for what I have. Granted, some days I'm not sure why I even bother getting out of bed, but, you'll have those.
Re-enter the Turk. Back in the U.S. on a rug trip. A few calls. Hey, we spent 4 years together, though he can be a pain in the ass, I do care for him and it's nice to have that connection (though hard). And I miss Turkey like fucking crazy. Enhanced by the monotony of Iowa, I'm sure.
So, recently, he's been re-woo-ing. As in, let's try this again. Not a good idea. If it didnt work the first time, what's 2 years separation and growing cynacism (on my part) going to help. No. Come through for dinner or something, but drop the "let's move to Istanbul and have a fairy tale life" bullshit. I'm not 21 anymore.
Had to hit it home. Aydin, sorry, but think about it. It has been 2 years. I'm sure you've had yourself some more foreign tail. And, this may come as a surprise, but I've now slept with someone else besides you. *GASP* In fact, in the 2 years we've been apart, I've managed to spread my whoring legs with TWO different guys. Because that's what we loose American women do. You can see where this conversation goes. Yeah, of course, he slept around. Because he was left. But, because I left saying I didn't want to be in a relationship or married, I'm to be committed to the nunnery for life?
Oh, thank God for this. Because for a weak minute there, I was actually thinking of returning to Turkey. Now I remember. The blatant double standards. The guilt for not being a docile Turkish homemaker. All of it.
Now after this conversation, I felt like shit about myself for 4 hours. And have a load of Ativan in my belly (I think that shows some maturity...at least it's not whiskey, right?) But now I'm starting to get pissed. I'm sad that he's hurt. Which, I'm sure it does. But where did the idealistic Rachael come from? It's just so weird to me. Sad, guilty, pissed, and now slipping into incoherence. Fucker. How does he still get to me! I think I just really hate coming in under the radar of someone's opinion of me. Which sure as fuck doesnt set me up for constant failure or anything.
Oh fuck it. I'm going to go bury myself in bed with a dark story that's not my own.
| | |
|
Premium
