I see a new revival

Hillsong united

I see the king of glory
Coming down the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes
I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

Chorus
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

Verse 2
I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a new revival
Staring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees

Bridge
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

Hosanna

I want to tell you girls about the revolution. the Revalation ive found. I'm a Christian to start out. I've met a few of you on here, and you say you are too. Asm any know, ive suffered through an eating disorder like you are now. I obsessed. I wanted to be nothing but skinny. It was my focus in life. I knew i would NEVER be beautiful until i reached the numbers in my mind. Take a look around my sight. I'm pretty die hard. thats why im leaving everuything up. All my goals. Everything. ED's are a mind disease. you train yourself to think a certain way. It takes over your mind and for many of us, it startys to creep into everything else too. I didn't want to "get out' i sdidnt want to be cured from my "Eating Disorder" . I wanted to be able to get where i wanted. & i knew this was the way. i wanted the attention. i wanted people to look at me and tell me i had lost weight. i wanted people to worry so that i knew i was getting somewhere.

A year ago i went to church camp. i told that i was beautiful in the eyes of God. Of course- He loved me so much that he died for me.  He was brutally beaten and mmurdered for ME.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14tZRDdwggU

but of course. i still Wanted SO badly to become skinny and beautiful. i thougnt about it. But ignored it. I didnt want to give up this consistenty method i had going. i was getting what i wanted. skinnier. Losing weight. Attention. It was GREAT. However, i had to deal with the pain. the physical pain of fasting and hunger. but the worst was the mental pain. The guilt. the stress. the constant failure. the endless tears and heartbreak when i felt so fat and so worthless. The never feeling good enough the always hating myself. Constant comparing.It tore me apart. you know what i mean. It can lead to depression. feelings of hopelessness. Worthlessness. Can't ever do anything right. I've dealt with this for 3 years. for some of you, its been a lot longer than that. My self worth basically dropped to an alltime low.

Then- the revolution.

All of a sudden i realized that my purpose in life was not to become skinny. I have a higher calling...one that was given to me by the most Amazing, graceful, and forgiving father. He broke my heart apart. It shredded to pieces. I became dead to myself. I knew that i needed a new focus. I finally realized my mind would never bw complete without him, and niether would my heart. All i want to do is tell everyone else.

now this does not mean im going to staert eating ho hos and stop exercising. This means that i still watch what i eat and def. exercise, but when i do it, i can exercise to music that praises God. I cn still be skinny but its not my purpose. not my main focus. My body is his temple. It's time to respect it,  the body includes the mind.

I'll probably lose some fans of the site. I dont care. i want to talk to you. Even if you dont agree with me. I want to talk to you. encourage you. I'm still here.

comment.

email. [amy@mccrayfamily.com]

myspace [myspace.com/xbabyxblu]

Text me [message me for the number]

I want to care.

Day 5

Ok. i exercised even more yesterday and burned 177 cals. this means for my monthly goal ive burned 177+997=1174.

theres alot more to do todat though, so i'll be updating later.

This is alot more than i have been exercising. Plus, ive been going to band rehearsals for three hours 3 times this week, where weve been outside for an hour and a half, sweating and marching [harder than you'd think b/c ur using alotta muscles n stuff] and we strech before hand. So, ive been sore from streching. My cals havnt been too awful and when i eat ive been eating healthier. However, i thought that when you strech, you get sore because your musckes microscopically rip, and when they build back, you gain muscle. well, i was VERY sore in alotta diff places, and now im not nearly as sore [its been a day or two] And im 2 pounds heavier than i was 2 days ago!!!!!! GHow is this? ive been exercising and eating smaller and better. Is itthe muscle???? I actually havn't been doing bad the past few days. how couldi have gained????

please tell me what you guys think. Can streching [and being sore afterward] gain muscle mass??? How else could i have gained 2 friggen pounds?

Edit::::

omg. i just had a huge rush of motivation. i was looking at thinspo and BAM. I want this more than anything. Going to fast the rest of the day.

310- eliptical

109- shopping [walking for 30 minutes]

1147+310+109=1566

I will be skinny

Day 3&4

have been eh. I've exercised, but taken in wayyy to many cals. Gah.  My willpower that i usedto have just...left. i need to go back to counting cals. I used to haver the rule "if you dont know the cals, dont eat it. I need to do that again, however, idk how many cals the stuff at camp has!!! How am i supposed to count? i guess just eat my 100 cal snacks or w/e so that i know. i dont worry too much for veggie cals. So maybe i can get by with salad all the way? i'll do my verry best. I should bring my own light italian dressing so i dont screw it all up with fattning dressing.

Oh. i took some notes on how many cals i burn for diffrent times for diff exercises so i can count my exercise cals at camp=] yay for thinking ahead!

Exercise: Goal [monthly] 5k-7k

So far: 400

day 3: 247

Day4 :350

Total: 400+247+350= 997

A New Plan

Ive been slacking. I need a new pan for a new month. A new day.

I heard a really great idea form ireneCaffiene...A Monthly calorie todo list! I'm thinking 5000-7000. thats from 160 to 230 perday. & I'm leaving for camp next week. I'm very active at this camp, but if i feel like i havnt burned enough i'll make it up when i get back.

I think i need to just restrict alot. I need to stop eating even when im full so my stomach shrinks. My friend backed out of getting me diet pills. So i dont know what im going to do. I just lost alot of motivation. I wanted those pills SO bad...

Edit:

Day two.

I Will try to burn what i didnt yesterday... that means

Daily-400

Monthly [so far]-400

I laugh & smile anyway

So , tons of people have been telling me lately, "oh, you look so skinny! Have you lost weight? what are you doing? you look so great". & I just smile and shrug my shoulders. The thing is. Sometimes, people will say that to me [and to be honest i try not to believe them, and for the most part, i dont believe them,] and  inside u say "oh i look awful im not any skinner", but secretly inside, you sorta do feel like youre a little skinner? theres that little bit of non-ana/mia left in you that says "Yeah, i do look a little better" and you smile inside? We all do it. confess. No matter how much we train ourselves to reject these comments...there are moments where our mental training is flawed and we have really been happy that we have lost the weight or look good. an we almost believe it. almost. don;t be ashamed. It doesnt mean you are weak if you think this. It means your being real. it doesnt mean youre not hardcore dedicated. Trust me. I know, all these other girls on here, know that you are dediacated. but i tell you this. Does it not motivate you, so that you can hear it again and again?

I have another question for you girls. Does anyone know about your ED? Let me tell you. I find it more motivational than ANY thinspo. ever. Crazy? i dont think so. See, like the quotes over my picture says I dont want antyone to know about my Eating Disorder because i don't want them to think "why arn't you skinny yet?" Well. I have a couple people that know about mine. It was so hard to tell anyone. But i did. But these were people i knew i could trust. Also people that i knew wouldnt hold me to it that often, but that would remember. [no, im not talking about my parents or my bf] & they were scared for me and told me they were gonna keep up with me at first, but they never stayed commited. So, now they wont think anything of it unless...I get way skinny. Way fast. Then, my dears, they will remember. Its sorta like leaving a legacy. Wouldnt that be an amazing feeling? for people to know you did that? They didnt keep up because they didnt think it was a huge problem...but then. you showed them. Dont you want them to think ur for real about this? You cant be committed if you arnt getting skinner right? See where my motivation comes from? Instead of just yourself and pictures for motivation. you have people. Real live people in your life to be reminded every time you see them that you have something to fulfill. You have to show them. Basically its like "Well, i told you this secret, and now i have to stick to it." Nifty, huh?

well, thats a eyeful. so I'll just post these pics of my horse for Her_Supreme_Fatness

Here you go doll =]

shes a lil dirty there. lol