Ugh.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I was fine up until Sunday.

I spent the day at the hospital with C waiting to see T and the baby.
It was cool, i hadn't seen C in quite a while.

Then A shows up.

Ever since we met, A and I have had this wierd relationship.
He was the first person i met at WTHS and we clicked.
We had this kind of fling thing, but it lasted for about 3 months.
I really liked him, then he broke my heart.
I moved on...
but everytime i see him it's like nothing has changed.
He just wraps me in one of those magical hugs of his, and i melt.

I hadn't seen him since before I broke up with AJ.
And I didn't expect to see him on Sunday.

See, AJ made me realize that I don't want a relationship at the moment. I'm just not ready for one.
So after we broke up, I promised myself not to jump in to any new relationships for quite a while.
I'm doing well, but I was starting to feel lonely.
I wanted to feel someone's arms around me
I craved physical contact.

So, there I am at the hospital, and A walks up. I try to act all nonchalant, like I barely noticed he was there, because i couldn't let myself get caught up in him again.
But he just has this way with me.
He gave me a hug, and a kiss on the cheek, and i just wanted to kiss him.
I hate the effect he has on me.

So I ended up hanging out with C&A at the hospital for a good 6 hours, and we spent the entire time teasing eachother and just hanging out like we always do.
Randomly, A just leans over and kisses me. I let him.

We had to leave at 9 p.m because visiting hours were over, and C&A told me they were planning to drop acid that night.They invited me to come along and trip sit.
I agreed because:
1)I wanted to be around A a little longer
2) It was going to be hella fun

We got to A's house and I persuaded them each to give me a quarter of their hit.
Then we smoked a little.
After an hour we were all pretty fucked up.

I ended up making out with A a couple of times, and i almost had sex with him. But I told him I couldn't because i was on my period. i actually said that. I hope he desn't remember.
Every so often he would randomly kiss me, and we'd end up making out.
It was awesome.

Then i noticed C acting wierd, he was muttering things under his breath and starts saying things to me then changing his mind.
A couple of times he got really close to me and A or P would call his name and say something like "don't"

I finally caught on.
C was crushing on me.
And he just had a baby.
I mean, sure He &T aren't together, and never will be, but they had a baby.
And she's my best friend.

So we all crashed at A's house, and when i woke up the next morning, everybody was already up, and there was some chick i didn;t know hanging out and tagging along after A. 
For some reason i got jealous.
But i had to leave, so i gave A a quick hug and left.
I should have kissed him.
But i didn't.

I don't want a relationship.
I know i don't.
Then what do i want?
 

"The Grass Is Always Greener On The Other Side"

I've tested this theory again and again, and I've come to the conclusion that no matter what side of the fence you're on, the hurt is just as painful, the smiles are just as genuine and happiness is just as elusive.
I'm testing out this new concept.
I'm trying to appreciate everything I do have.
Last month, my entire life has fallen apart.I'm not even exaggerating either.
But, instead of going underground, and hiding from the world [okay, I granted myself a few days]
I bounced back, and believe it or not, I am happier than ever.
Not that crazy, bouncing off the walls happy.
The content, peaceful kind of happy.
I look at my family, my friends and realize how lucky I am to have them in my life.
I sit in my living room and watch sappy movie at five in the morning, and I realize how beautiful life can be.

Don't get me wrong.
I still wish I had a beautiful boyfriend, better hair and a hotter body.
But, I'm able to look past that and live in the moment.

Okay.
I'm done being all ZEN