Nijuunigou's Xanga

coming undone

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 01:04:54 GMT

The same black line that
was drawn on you
is drawn on me
**********
The Hol is Currently:
Feeling: Alone, hyper, anxious
Watching: National Treasure- book of secrets
Listening to: Bed- J. Holiday
Thinking about: Going to hope tomorrow
**********
I don't update this like I used to, and I think its because I let my thoughts build up and collect. Or perhaps I don't have the motivation to write my thoughts like I used to.

I feel like I'm growing up really fast all at once, and its scary.Pop corn is the shittiest thing ever. I swear to God. It never pops all the way or it burns. Maybe I'm just popcorn retarded.
I don't want to go to class tomorrow. God.

G is for GreatGoodness

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 02:08:51 GMT

Thats why papa says she'll never get married.
**********
The Hol is Currently:
Feeling: Anxious to get home
Watching: The Prince of Egypt
Listening to: Cocaine - Strata
Thinking about: Going to bed soon, because I'll hate myself in the morning if I don't.
**********

I know I haven't updated in a while, though I have tried to write several times.
I'm at this period of my life where I am so used to my own rules in life that coming home seems like more of a terrible chore than anything. I feel uprooted from everything I know and enjoy and love.

Lately I work like a slave. I love working at Birch Tree, God knows I do, I just can't work 18 days straight without a day off. I think they have it out for me or something because I am exhausted and I have been here a little over a week. I just want Christmas to get here and get over with so I can get back to where I feel at home and belong.

I thought to myself the past few days that one of these days I'm going to use these journal entries as some sort of reference for this great all American perfect sappy romance musical/movie I feel the world needs to have. Yes all Rob Thomas/Matchbox 20 songs...because the beetles are just overrated seriously.

I always use this time of year for reflection, as it comes to a close. I've made a few mistakes, had a run in with drugs, and trouble, went through extreme depression, switched schools, picked myself up, got an awesome job, figured out what I wanted to do with my life, found a wonderful man to be with, and it all seems pretty freakin' perfect where I'm sitting.

The Prince of Egypt always makes me cry. I feel like my spirit is starving, but...I make excuses about going to church for my guilty conscience. It makes me feel like people are burrowing into my skull, and all the angel figurines are looking at me with disgust. I still talk to God though, and I pray, and I'm pretty sure we're cool and that he still loves me. Well, thats stupid, he'll always love me...even though I have drug history, and made horrible mistakes, and went down a self-destructed path. The one constant in the equation of life.The one stable rock to stand upon.

I feel like I've done a total 180 in my life when I think about things. I feel like I'm a better student, and surprise myself at times at some of the decisions I make and there level of maturity. I look at the life Jacob and I have together, and see a glimpse of the future...whether I can grab it or not, I can't say.

Perhaps one day.
One day, I hope.

F is for Fuck Me

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 19:23:46 GMT

Theres a light on
In Chicago
And I know I should be home
**********
The Hol is Currently:
Feeling: Slightly buggered
Watching: Nothing
Listening to: First time - Life House
Thinking about: Regressing
**********
You know what? Fuck you.
I love that word. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. It just seems SO right to use in so many situations. Whether its when I'm angry getting paid, or horny getting laid, its my verb, adjective, and noun.

or rather FECK.

E is the vowel of this century. Clearly.

Ok. Now that I've gotten the profanities out of my system, time for an update. Stamps are 41 cents now correct? Damn. thats just 9 cents shy of half a dollar. I remember a dime ago when you could buy over three stamps with a dollar. Now we're just at two for one?
wtf US govmnt.
wtf.

Life is good. I'm making it good. I refuse to accept badness as a sign of stupidity on my part.
because I rock. Hard. Out loud. And I don't make life changing mistakes. NOT AT ALL. I'm going to get dedicated to other things besides the seratonin. Besides the oxytocin and the mind blowing sex. I'm going to do other things, that pertain to my education. Yes I can see it now.

Why do I feel so stupid in class all the time?
I CAN DO THIS DAMNIT!

I can get my degree
and I can support myself
and I can pump myself up because I don't need anyone.

again
fuck you all that say I do.

E is for Executed

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 15:32:18 GMT

Kiss your apocalypse
one one last time
**********
The Hol is Currently:
Feeling: Icky
Watching: Nothing
Listening to: Ave Maria - Harry Conick Jr.
Thinking about: Class in 50 minutes V_V
**********
I am not an appreciator of anonymousness, though I have my speculations. So, I can shortly say, no I don't feel bad for hurting some people, because in the scheme of things they deserve it. They might even deserve an even worst degree than I can give. I pass judgment, and leave. Fire is pretty, and fun to dance with until it burns you. In that light, I am like fire. You can't bend me to your will, and you can't cage me in. I'm your friend until you infringe on me.

Today has been ill. It pained me to spend $80 on stuff for Biology class. I hate science, and would much rather that have gone towards the drawing board I am still in need of. Its amazing. I need a job so badly.
Graphic Design could be a disaster. It could've been today, however was not.

Jacob showed me his whole life this weekend. All this stuff, and kept me thoroughly entertained. I was appreciative of that, because I'm used to either one extreme or the other. All attention, or none at all. This happy middle straddling the fence is a nice change.
I hope I got some good pictures too. Please oh please.

New camera.
Thats what else I need. God.

G is for Goddess

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 00:51:38 GMT

Can I be your Yellow?
Will you be my Stripe?
**********
The Hol is Currently:
Feeling: Not tired when I should be
Watching: Dirty jobs
Listening to: The oldish mix
Thinking about: Crawling into bed so I can watch him sleep
**********

I am still in shock that I have actually obtained a good life. Other than the fact that I have been disgusted with myself for the events and the worthless casual fling love relationship I selfishly persued this Summer. God. I am my own worst enemy. Anytime I feel like I should be vengeful it only comes up and whips my ass and usually makes me feel like a dirty whore.
Or a bad friend.
Never bad offspring though.

The waves of fortune
Don't roll the same?

I think this might be the October to break the cycle of the last three shitty ones I've had. I'm happy for that. I finally have the reigns and feel really in control of things for once. I ran away from drug addiction, and partying like a rock star, and I ran away from all those fucking low-life people that drug me down into hell on earth. I ran away from the fights at home, and I ran away from fucking Arkansas Tech, and fucking Johnson County, and Logan County.

I put on my tennis shoes, and ran like I would never exaust. I pushed, and persevered, and I feel proud about what is going on now, because I know I fought for it.
I fought mom, for it. I fought my family for it. I fought my self doubt for it.

And now, every morning I wake up next to this beautiful person. I wake up ecstatic to greet the day. I wake up, wanting to be awake, and alive.
I'm glad I pin pointed my problem, because it was home that was depressing me. I hate sounding like I'm an emo artist, but thats what I communicate best, is how I feel about things. If I don't say it, it kills me. It eats me up inside to keep secrets, and hide away.
And like wise, I hate secrets being kept from me.

But I don't miss being home. I miss people, and I miss smells, and I even miss a few places, however as a whole, I could never go back to it and be happy I think.
I might take that back, because I would like to visit, however prolonged visit sounds unappealing.

I have theatre in about 8 hours.
Which means 6.5 hours of sleep.
I think Jacob is wanting me in bed. He's tossing like he can't get comfortable, and got antsy after a spat earlier when I left steamed for forty-five minutes.

There is nothing like a man that will tell you you're stupid and wrong and put you in your place....and at the same time get on his knees and call you his goddess.

That thought makes me want to curl into a ball underneath covers, close my eyes and squeal with happiness.

F is for Fantasy

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 16:42:07 GMT

Time falls away
but these small hours
These little wonders
Still remain
**********
The Hol is Currently:
Feeling: Like I just did all kinds of a 360. or a 720. Can you do that?
Watching: Nothing
Listening to: Yummy - Gwen Stefani
Thinking about: going and buying my books.
**********
I've done all sorts of things that would be unacceptable in Johnson county over the past three days, however, the site I woke up next to this morning gives me affirmation that I'm doing the right things.

I did what I knew I was going to eventually do, and I'm sorry for putting another heart in the position to be crushed. I'm sorry, that I'm enough of a sociopath to have no hold on physical connections. Well, perhaps not being a sociopath persay, however, maybe its better to say my heart strings were attached somewhere else.

I had this analogy about puzzle pieces.
People are like puzzle pieces. They start out as perfect squares, and the experience of life, what they're taught, and the people they meet, carve out the grooves in and out of them.
Then, they find other pieces, that in predestination fit in those convex and concave indentions.

But what do you do when sometimes, there is a piece that fits you perfectly on the left side of the puzzle, and another on the right? You can only choose to be apart of one puzzle board.How do you pick ? Its perfect anyway you choose right?

You sever one, and hope for the right decision.

I'm ecstatic, really. Really really I am. I wish I could capture some of the looks, and scents, and feelings he gives me and put them in a jar. I wish I could make people know "This is how I felt right then, and isn't it the most wonderful thing?"
They'd be jealous. They'd love it for me. Because I got out of dodge, and I made it happen. I knew exactly what I wanted, and I put it down on paper, and got it.

And the thing is, to me, its the most wonderful thing there is.

E is for Eggplant

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 11:55:33 GMT

But there's a light on
In Chicago
**********
The Hol is Currently:
Feeling: Like second-guessng herself
Watching: Analyze This
Listening to: Paralyzer - Finger 11
Thinking about: The next two or so days
**********
I didn't think leaving work would be as difficult as it was. Its funny how you subconciously come to love people. Genuinely just love them, because you just give a fuck and have a heart. Even crazy people...even the people talking to the voices, and plagued by their own ghosties. Those people have nothing to lose, therefore, the way I figure it they're pretty damn honest right? Why would they tell you they'd miss you or they love you and be lying?

I'll be back there, at least I think so. I'll be back to this house.I'll be back to stupid fucked-to-death Logan an Johnson Counties.
I'm getting my life started! I've got things set up in the places exactly where I want them, and at the same time its a double sided thing as always.
I'm going to miss things. I'm going to miss Garrett pulling a few teeth, and learning about first grade. I'm going to miss Labor day, and Halloween, and the weather getting cooler. I'm going to miss seeing the huge black walnut tree in our yard's leaves turn that vibrant orange and yellow. I'm going to miss Logan's first day of highschool, and Adam's first day as a senior. I'm going to miss hanging out with Kasey and doing the apache dance. I'm going to miss seeing Alicia get nominated for homecoming court once again, and Madison trying to peer over my shoulder to watch me draw. I'm going to miss telling Slade to be a little more careful.

I'm going to miss dinner time with my family every night sharply at 5P.M.

BUT THIS IS WHAT I FUCKING WANTED!

I feel so torn about things. I'll be miserable if I stay here, but I'll be so selfish if I break away and go. Stay, go. Left, right. Up, down.
And now again I've found myself so far down, away from the sun.

Maybe I'll love it as much as I think. Maybe, it'll be fine and I'll fit just perfectly in that little space where his neck meets his shoulder, and that'll be my safe place.
Maybe I just don't have the guts to set torch to the bridge I've been stuck in the middle of for so long. Maybe it'll be 10,000 things I never thought it would be, and in the end I'll wish I hadn't been so stupid. Because, I'm stuck with this.

D is for DillPickles

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 20:34:14 GMT

Even then you knew what you wanted
Even then I had no clue
I was just living in the moment
And the moment was all about you
**********
The Hol is Currently:
Feeling: Blank
Watching: Nothing
Listening To: Misunderstood - Better than Ezra
Thinking about: All the music I've let myself miss out on
***********

So today I rediscovered eagle eye cherry, better than ezra, stroke 9, and ben folds five. Its been a great day for my mouth ya see. Nothing happens on Facebook anymore. I'm sure that will change once school gets back in session but for the time being it makes for a sucky time to pass time away.

Therefore, I have nothing better to do than to record my mundane day to day experiences, thoughts, and feelings. Today all I did pretty much, was talk to Vincent on the phone, do paper work, and then I did some sympathy shopping for myself for not having a day off in almost 9 days. It makes me want to shank my own heart. I'm getting burnt out very quickly on the routine of everything. It makes me sort of want to crawl the walls, and I have no idea why I'm that way.

I am never happy to be still. I feel like I have to constantly have change, or movement in my life, and I don't know why that is. Consistancy, and reliability seem like they're too good to be true I think. Probably something in the back of my head that floats around in my subconcious. You can only be betrayed so many times I think.

I've said before I think I'm freak fly-paper, and we all know this is true. Look at a few of the nutjobs I've befriended, and dated. I've always felt like I've had to help people, and play superhero.
But thats an old, and worn out story so to say the least, I've hung up my cape pretty much.

C is for Cranberry

Sun, 12 Aug 2007 16:18:13 GMT

She's got me love stoned
And I swear she's bad
And she knows
I think that she knows
**********
The Hol is Currently:
Feeling: More relaxed
Watching: Nana episode 41
Listening to: Finger 11 - Paralyzer
Thinking about: Doing some major journaling or cleaning.
**********

I fucking hate this screen. Its nice and all for media such-and-such, however hovering drives me insane. But no matter. 6 days and counting right?

As a matter of fact, the past week has been so uninteresting I have had plenty of time to figure out worst case scenario's for when I move and what-not. See, I just found out that mother will be my only company coming to Jonesboro on the 18th. This could be good, or disasterous. I have no idea.

I have two sides to everything in my life, which just reassures me of my gemini syndrome, because on the one hand I know I am going to miss parts of home, sights and events, on the other I cannot wait to get away from here and wash the invisible dirty film that is Johnson County from my skin.

This is what you wanted Holly. Your wish on a star granted true.

Goddamn you half japanese girls!

My heart is on my sleeve
wear it like a bruise or blackeye
My badge, my witness
means that I believed
Every single lie you said
(and learned from the best)

Five years.
Five years of hoping and praying, and relying on a half-feeling in the pit of my stomach of trust. Five years of chances, and fantasy, only to be burnt in the flames of a new and stronger romance. I can't be like a little girl and expect this knight in shining armor to appear out of somewhere and whisk me away right? Or at least until he proves himself I suppose, because I'm tired of being a beautiful let down.

I'm tired of having greatness in the beginning, and in the end having a big brother throw him out of my dormatory while I scream out the window "You'll never know what love is until you love your own goddamn self!" I'm tired of having sweet chivalry in the beginning, and in the end having to spill my guts because my parents took his side over mine, and it turn into this bitter ugly thing involving slurpees being thrown against back glass. I'm sick and fucking tired of having these fantasys painted and written out in exclusive, beautiful detail only to have it crash around my ankles where I'd have to crawl over and stare at the debris in the face. One on one. Its no good.

But right now, I'm okay with things. I'm just-fine with how things are going, and what I have planned for going on in the near future.

Mental note; I want the new Finger 11 CD.

FIVE MORE SHIFTS W/ CRAZIES!
I admit I'll miss them. Miss them a lot. Because I'm not sure what it is, but crazy people seem to like me, and keep my advice close in their minds.

God help me, and help us all.

B is for banana

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 19:16:07 GMT

When I'm home alone I just can't stop myself
And you pull my head so close, volume goes with the truth
Signing off, I'm alright in bed but I'm better with a pen
**********
The Hol is Currently:
Feeling: Grand
Watching: Garrett
Listening to: Here in your arms - Hello Goodbye
Thinking about: How much I'd like the next 19 days to go by in the instance of a heart beat
**********
Why does it always work out that when you want time to pass it lingers, and in the opposite sense when you don't want something to end it seems like it is gone with the wind.

Maybe that will mean that the entirety of my life is destined to go by faster, once the next two weeks is up. This is the happiest, and most scared I've been in a long time because I keep asking myself the same questions; "what if this is it?" and "what if I'm being stupid?"
I hate those types of questions. I really really hate them, but at the same time, I don't really have any regrets.

I want the next 19 days to go by fast. I want them to be over with. Its the thought that keeps lingering in my head. "Speed it forward speed it forward."

I feel like I'm going to be missing something even though I'm finally making it come true. I'm getting out of this place, and going and starting my own life. How exciting?! But at the same time, I'm not going to be seeing Garrett as much,so days like this are more special than before. I'm not going to see Vanessa as much, so the smoke breaks outside subway are becoming nicer to have.

Holly you're so retarded. This is exactly what you wanted.