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| this is the type of love...
mom and dad @ Aug 2007. Central park, NY
after almost 3 decades later, they are still holding hands and heading forward.
This is the type of love that I want.
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| Dear God,
it's so hard continuing to believe when the mere hope I have is gone.
If you can, can you please tell Mr. B that he has meant more than just a patient to me.
I've missed him, and there wasn't a day at work I didn't think of him and his family, o his dear wife and sister/brother-in-laws. Can you please tell him and his families, will ALWAYS be in my heart? always.
P.S- Mr. B, when I get married, I promise. I will send a wedding invitation to you and your wife. I promise.
thank you, for allowing me to be part of your life. thank you.
this isn't goodbye.
thank you God, for passing the message along.
Sincerely,
Esther
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| last thoughts
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| it's been a nice ridewhen you deal with death on a daily basis at work..well almost daily basis. death of a close one..more of two close ones do hit you hard and cold.
Mr. Tai, who have battled with cancer for the past 10 years, having to receive more than 380+ chemotherapy throughout his treatment, being in pain even during sleep which made him to sleep standing up. Who also is the one that would praise the Lord every sunday service for greatness and mercy, having so much faith and thanks..it made me want to be him for a little bit, just to have his heart of worship. Every time when I say hi to him on sundays with his bandana on, I kept on thinking to myself, "He has got to be the most positive, healthiest looking cancer patients I've seen." His wife, who have never left his side had prayed from the first onset of his cancer..."give me 10 years with my husband." Last month, he started with vomiting, diarrhea and severe pain. Pounds after pounds of weight he lost, walking ability was taken away from him. Appetite was nowhere to be found. Even with the mere talking strength that we take granted on a daily basis, it was taken away from him.
This month has hit my 6th month mark at work. I truly don't know how to feel about my work. Do I like work? Absolutely not. Do I hate work? well..at times but mostly no. Do I wish to change my career? yes, maybe. Administration? I prefer being a housewife though. I might not like some of my co-workers much, I might not like my working hours much, I might not like cleaning people's poop, I might not like nagging to my patients to PLEASE KEEP THEIR SLIPPERS ON when they ambulate..but my patients, I hold them true and close to my heart. Patients re-admit to my floor for whatever reason, when they see me and say "I want to have you again, can you be my nurse?" A true smile comes from inside would appear. Whenever I just want to sit and do nothing because of such tiredness nursing leaves you with, the thought that if I do a bit more for these patients. They will feel better. If I am to go change the position of the bedrest, maybe the possibility of them developing a pressure ulcer would decrease. If I am to help the unable to eat a little bit more, maybe the likelihood of them battling with their sickness would increase. If I am to....these thoughts stay with me constantly. I want to don't care. I want to be able to be lazy and do nothing. Give me few years, I will not care as much. The first patient who passed away on me, was a woman who I've had before she became severely ill. I remember the first time I took care of her, she was in so much pain. I administrated pain relief to her around the clock for pain control. At the end of the shift, her roommate was saying how good was the other nurse. She said to me with the mere strength she has left, "Esther, you're good too." and a smile. I left work that day, thanking her in my heart and praying for her pain relief. On the day she passed away with me, "Life has got to be better than this..right?" I ask myself and God. "Tell me, life is better than this, it is better than dying and in pain."
The very last time I saw Mr. Tai, his skeletal body sat in the wheelchair. Mrs. Tai was saying his pain was getting out of control. I told her I would come to her house to help to figure out some of the pain medicines and the times to be given...I didnt go. He passed away 2 weeks after. Seeing him in that wheelchair made me cry. I didn't even know why I cried. The mere fact he actually looked like one of the patients I take care of at work, it really hit me. No matter how well they might look, this disease-cancer will take control at the end. After few of us have prayed for him in a circle, we all parted. I went to the stairwell and cried. I still remember..I was asking God why am I crying? I know Mr.Tai will go to heaven. His faith has saved him. "Promise me life is better than this." I asked God before i wiped my tears. During his funeral last week, I didn't know what to feel. I didn't know if I should be happy..or sad. Happy he's no longer in pain. Sad that he's gone. Cancer has taken the last toll. I would not stop crying. My pastor looked at me, perplexed why was I crying so much for an uncle whom I hardly spoke with. I asked myself why does it affect me so much. Days after the funeral I still didnt know why until I started to write it out... "with Mr. Tai's passing, it finally hit me. It's been a nice ride. These patients, my patients who fight a constant battle with cancer, they all will pass. No matter how health they were. These patients, who I do extra for, they all will die. No matter what I do. just like Mr. Tai."
I truly don't know how long I can do this for. I don't know how much more of my heart I can give.
I, don't know.
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| sometimes,
in life. you've just got to be determined and aggressive.
to be who you are, who you want to be.
don't let the past get a hang of you.
don't let the untold future take over your mind.
live, peacefully. in present.
with Jesus' grace, joy, faith and love.
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