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| Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits. | | |
| Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A: Because his wife died 10 years ago. | | |
| A couple was having marital problems, and so they went to the couselor.
Eventually, he asked "How often do you have sex?"
"well..." the wife said "every anniversary, Christmas Eve, Valentine's Day, and the Second Tuesday of every month."
"Any other times?"
"No, not really." she replied.
"Well, that may be your problem." The counselor said. "Sex doesn't work on a shchedule like that...be spontaneous and romantic. Have sex when you damn well feel like it. Practice that and come back in 2 weeks and tell me how it went."
They try it out, and come back 2 weeks later.
"How'd it go?" he asks.
"Great!" The wife says. "We had sex whenever we felt like it, and now we're more in love than ever! There is one problem, however."
"Oh, what's that?"
"I don't thinkk we'll ever be able to show our faces in McDonald's again. | | |
| Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times." | | |
| Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings... It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No....."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!" | | |
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