no one really reads this BUT...
so if you know me irl you know how skinny i used to be. id say i got down to 100ish pounds and less than 13% bf. it was rockin. I was super in shape, rode my bike so much, ran, ate pretty healthy, the whole lot.
went to school, got depressed [yeah clinically...yay for finding out on xanga???] didnt leave my room for over a month minus getting food going to the bathroom and taking the occasional shower. Food was all I had. Its weird to say you can be addicted to food but you can. Temporary fix it was. Id eat, feel ok, eat too much feel horrible. I got fat...ok so im told im not fat. I FEEL FAT.

Long story short, im better but I have an addictive personality and thats hard to break. You can't just quit eating all together. I've had food issues as long as I can remember, but you can only go so long without eating. I HATE EATING because I don't know if im going to eat a normal amount or find myself an hour later still eating and not knowing what im doing. food addictions are real...really stupid, very real, and very sucky. But yoga is totally helping in the mental part. I'm excited. I'm going to run and get back in shape. yeahhhh buddy.

THINK THIN. :]

When I look back and remember(and read) how miserable I used to be it kills me. I know I never want to feel that way again and I will do anything to stop it. Being happy to me is so very important. I understand that there will be lifes little interruptions, but laying in a bed for over 2 months feeling like nothing will ever possibly be better, that the only way to go from here is down and that there is no way to escape. Hopelessness doesnt even begin to describe it.

Its funny because in those days so sad and blue I could go on for days about things that had impact, that other people may possibly find value in, that I can look back and read in better days and find truth and meaning...but these days all i think about is my bike, good friends, good times, and good coffee. These are the things that the average person thinks about...well except maybe the bike thing, but im perfectly ok with that now. If the end of my depth comes with my happiness I will accept it with these bike jersey tanlines arms opened wide.

I never really feel like I have anything important or substantial to say except in the worst of times.  I can look back on some of my worst days when ive written things down, mostly my thoughts about the world and things that happen, and those words seem worth while. they seem like something that someone else might read and find some substance in. I do not enjoy the fact that my happiness bring no great thought. In a sick and twisted way it makes me want to feel horrible about myself, about life, about the things that I've done just so the words and thought that flow from my head onto  paper [or keyboard] are quite possibly life changing.

Life changing words make life worth living. I want to be able to speak like that. to be able to speak or write in complete sentences that have such an impact that at least one person finds themself changed by them. not even necesarily for the good. I don't even require that. just change.

All i have to say is:
Find something you love.

Right now there are very few things in life that actually make me happy. And honestly, when I say happy I really mean mostly not sad, but a little happy. I feel like a failure at life, like I should be a dissapointment to my family because of what I am going through, and yet I know that my parents are so proud of everything that I do.  I am a mess. I am a wreck. I feel like a lost cause. I do not want pity, I do not wish others to feel sad about this. This is a problem I have to deal with. I have to man up and quite being so stubborn and realize that for once there is nothing I can do about this on my own. I need the help of others. For once, listening to Coldplay or Bob Schneider is not going to FIX this. It is true that it may calm me for the moment being, but that is no solution.

I'm sick of feeling like a failure, I'm sick of not wanting to do anything, I'm sick of having no drive, I'm sick of being unhappy, I'm sick of crying over nothing, I'm sick of not being able to drive, I'm sick of feeling sick. While writing this down is possibly a temporary fix, it does nothing for me in the long run. Sadly i feel like being medicated may be the only solution, because I cannot go on with these temporary fixes. These things will no longer overcome the feeling I have inside.

I am not worthless, stupid, failing, incoherent, weak or a waste of space yet I hear myself saying this over and over. I know better and yet I cannot think anything else. I must love myself. I must love myself. I must love myself. I must love myself. I must love myself. I must stop crying, I must stop hating, I must feel better, I must love myself, I must love other, I must live.

In all honestly I could go on for a lot longer, but I do not wish to. I am a burden to myself. Do not pity me. Do not feel sorry for me. Do not try to comfort me. Do not be sad for me. Do not reject me. Do not seclude me. Do not treat me any different. I am me. I do not accept anything less than that. I have not changed, I am just opening up. I must do this, and yet by doing this everything will change.