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| ListlessI really do hate the cycles. There are times where I feel ok and times where I feel really sad.
What I hate most is feeling sad when I really have no reason to be sad. Life is going good, I have lots of stuff to keep me busy, and I have to turn down random firm social events.
Yet it's been eating at me recently. I couldn't be productive at all today either. For some reason all I could do is read the news, or the tabloids or what not and not focus at all.
Maybe part of it is I'm afraid of going abroad again. I won't have any of my close friends there anymore, and even WoW which is the connection to that which is familiar isn't doable.
But maybe there's that realization that in less than a month I'll be gone for a while that has made me aware of how I stand now. My weekends are busy, but only because I make it that way. I don't want to be stuck home on a weekend so I call people and try to get them to go out. Often times it works, so somehow I fool myself into feeling like I have friends.
But then I realize that if I didn't make the effort, I'd be at home playing WoW. And I'd remember what really frustrates me in that game and I guess in life in general. People don't tend to seek out my company unless I make an effort first. Maybe I give off a vibe where people don't think I want nor need people to offer plans. Maybe I've been so busy people don't think I'll ever make time for it. Or maybe I've rejected so many people no one bothers anymore. I don't know.
I guess everyone goes through a stage in life where they realize it doesn't matter whether they are there. I believe its called growing up.
But maybe what scares me the most is that maybe I do have people asking me, and maybe I'm terrified at the moments where I can catch my breath and think that maybe my life and being busy is in fact meaningless. Or maybe I'm terrified of realizing that company will never fill the emptiness I feel. I can go long periods of time pretending that hole isn't important or not there, but maybe it persistently grows until it can't be ignored anymore. What happens then?
I saw Wall-E over the weekend. It is excellent. Maybe I'm just in that mood these days but I really enjoyed the love story. I wish that it was that simple. That all you have to do is to take care of another person and there would be some reciprocation of emotion -- some reciprocation of care. I wish that to feel safe and protected all you had to do was to help someone get that feeling. Story books are nice. You can talk about sacrifice and happiness and it seems so noble. But in the end life isn't something you can observe from the sideline and marvel at its perfection.
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| Beijing RenGod. Beijing ren...... it's a fucking weakness.
Anyway, Vegas July 11th weekend. Let's go. I'm leaving the country so let's have a good going away party.
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| Yay for income!So I have the best legal job in the world. It's called summer associate. It barely edges out senior partner in awesomeness. We get paid first year rates and we're wined and dined so much there's a joke about the summer associate 10. It's derived from the freshman 15.
Of course the economy sucks, so there are plenty of other programs where the summers are worried or the wining and dining is cut back or they're working weekends. I'm not exactly carefree as say a summer back in the good ol' days-- I still worry about being a total slacker so I have to turn in projects on time and frequently. But all in all it's not a bad job.
As a note I have to figure out the least fattening drink at Starbucks. There's one in the lobby and for the working attorneys a summer associate means a free coffee.
This past weekend we just had a party in the Hollywood Hills at our managing partner's house. She co-owns the LA Sparks (WNBA) and twas a nice house. This weekend I have to go to Palm Springs for a retreat. We were offered four activities: 1) Hiking 2)Golfing 3)Tennis 4) Spa. In retrospect Palm Springs is probably not the best
place for an outdoor activity. o_O
Before I go abroad I have two events I have tickets to. One is a Dvorjak/Mendelssohn concert at the Hollywood Bowl and the other is Chorus Line. I already got someone going with me to Chorus Line, but I needa find someone else who can appreciate classical. Any takers? I think it's July 15thish.
I saw Sex and the City on Friday. I swear to god it's chick porn. The theatre was packed with professional women aging from 20s - 60s, and all the guys were either gay or dragged in. Le sigh is me and me promises. :(
Admittedly I was entertained which probably means I'm gay.
I've been clubbing with my sis-in-law Ivy and her friends recently. It's been fun, but they prefer house of glam events which is different for me.
Funny story about me and Ivy. So a couple of weeks back we were at Highlands for the Se7en event. I get a text from my brother to call my mom since her birthday was either then or close enough that it'd be appropriate for some sort of greeting. I call mom, say happy birthday and she asks what I'm doing. I reply "I'm at a club with Ivy." She just says oh, and we end the conversation like normal.
5 minutes later the phone rings. "YOU'RE NOT DATING HER ARE YOU?" ruptures my ear drum.
Le sigh. Such is my life.
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| Hmmm hmmm shady. . .So I've decided I don't like Elevate lounge. I've heard rumors before that they have a pretty anti-Asian bent, and even include an Asian quota. Of course rumors be rumors till you get till you run into one yourself.
Essentially I was with a group, predominately Asian and female, who was trying to meet up with some friends who had already gotten in and celebrating a birthday. We were told to wait because the club was only letting in VIP, so we waited. An hour passed, and during that time, big groups would come by, and if they were mainly Asian they'd be told to wait too. Some stayed like us, others left.
We would ask the front door what was going on, and they said all these were tables and VIPs. At this point we ask how much for a table, and they looks us over, and say two bottles at $350 a piece. Of course tables are expensive so I wasn't surprised. The girls quickly had a conference and debated whether it was worth it. They called the girl inside and after about 10 minutes debating, they said "fuck it, it's her birthday, let's do it."
So we go back to the front, and say ok, let's do the table, and after a long look at us, they say, sorry, no more tables. At this point some of the girls are getting pissed and they call the group inside. The group inside says that there are a lot of open tables and they quickly flag down a hostess and buy a table . Of course this doesn't help the situation. Supposedly the hostess upstairs is saying, since they got a table upstairs, they can get the 10 of us downstairs in. They crack open the bottle, and we are told to get into the VIP line. Of course we move to this line. As we explain to the bouncer a friend inside just bought a table, he looks at his list, and says, yah there's a table that just got added. We start going in. As we pass the main line, the bouncers there start waving frantically at the first bouncer and he stops us all, and tell us, there's no room at the table. At this point some of the girls get hella pissed as they're in contact with the group upstairs who are claiming there's plenty of space.
At this point, all the girls in our group have decided this isn't worth it, and they walk to standard. I'm a little pissed, so I'm contemplating the fact that both OMM and USC sponsor events at Elevate. I think I'll go ahead and have a talk with our people and see if we can get this on record somewhere.
Granted, it's possible that they weren't fucking around with us, or they didn't like our group, or whatever, but I sat around at the entrance for about 20 more minutes and watched huge groups getting in, and I swear I saw some buying tables at the door. Of course those who weren't getting in had yellow skin and slanty eyes. Very interesting. . .
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| HauntedWe all have our ghosts. Some are happy, some are sad, some we don't recall consciously anymore.
Maybe it's a sign of age or senility but I have been more haunted recently.
There are people in our lives who when they were directly involved meant life itself. Yet when they are gone, we are left with an emptiness, and perhaps a bitterness at them for leaving us. In moments of whimsicality we will reminisces and yearn for the familiar qualities these people brought to our lives. Or maybe it will be a pang for their return.
Sometimes it is easy to notice this, sometimes it is very subtle.
I recently was introduced to a bunch of people through friends. Two of them caught my eye. One I find extremely cute, the other I find extremely attractive. I have been pondering for the last few days about the one I find more attractive. I have consulted friends, and all have wondered what has changed in my superficial ways. They wonder if perhaps I have shed my superficiality and suddenly have developed the ability to see through the BS.
I do not think it is likely. "She looks like she's nice. She looks like wife material, " yada yada--All of which have been helpful suggestions on why I'm acting this way. To me, she's cute, just not extremely cute. It is hard to understand why I have so much interest in her. I really like her smile, and she has an aura of playfulness which is so seductive.
And yet, I can't help but wonder if there is a whisper of a ghost attracting me. Perhaps part of it is that I am looking so hard for a reason I can convince myself of any plausibility. But maybe as I glance through pictures, I catch a hint of something I had once treasured in another long ago.
Perhaps what I see is what attracted me to that other long ago. Perhaps it is nostalgia for long ago. As we age and "grow up," how much of our wants and attractions shaped by invisible hands who once brushed us in passing? Who once held our heart so critically?
Yes, it is time to live in the present and yes it should all be about what the individual people bring to the table now.
But ghosts have a way of lingering which rationality fails to dispel. Or refuses to.
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