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| There's a lot that I don't know, there's a lot that I'm still learning.
But I think I'm letting go--To find my body is still burning.
I'm alive, and I don't need a witness to know that I survived?
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| I make things so hard on myself. It's been a constant thought lately,
with everything I do. I make it so hard to want to get out of bed in
the morning, but I do, and I'm happy and I just want to know how or why
it happens? I have alot of words but I'm a little too hungover to
express them to the noone that reads it.. so I'm letting the songs take
over.
but heyy... i'm back at highschool.
Measure me
in metered lines, in one decisive stare, the time it takes to get from
here to there. My ribs that show through t-shirts and these shoes I got
for free; I'm unconsoled, I'm lonely. I am so much better than I used
to be. Terrified of telephones and shopping malls and knives, and
drowning in the pools of other lives. Rely a bit to heavily on alcohol
and irony. Get clobbered on by courtesy, in love with love, and lousy
poetry. And I'm leaning on this broken fence between Past and Present
tense.And I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd never
play. But it almost feels okay. Circumnavigate this body of wonder and
uncertainty. Armed with every precious failure, and amateur
cartography,I breathe in deep before I spread those maps out on my
bedroom floor. And I'm leaning on this broken fence between Past and
Present tense.And I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd
never play. But it feels okay. And I'm leaving. Wave goodbye. And I'm
losing, but I'll try, with the last ways left, to remember. Aside- The Weakerthans
Here's the day you hoped would never come, don't
feed me violence just run with me through rows of speeding cars. The
papercuts the cheating lovers the coffee's never strong enough, i know
you think it's more than just bad luck. There there baby, it's just
text book stuff it's in the ABC of growing up. Now now darling, oh
don't lose your head cause none of us were angels and you know I love
you yeah. Sleeping pills know sleeping dogs lie never far enough away.
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt. I've watched you slowly winding
down for years You can't keep on like this...now's a bad a time as any.
Speeding Cars- Imogene Heap
I asked her to stay
but she wouldn't listen. She left before I had the chance to say the
words that would mend the things that were broken. But now it's far too
late, she's gone away. Every night you cry yourself to sleep Thinking:
"Why does this happen to me? Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that it's not over tonight. Just give me one more
chance to make it right I may not make it through the night I won't go
home without you. The taste of your breath, I'll never get over. The
noises that you made kept me awake. The weight of things that remained
unspoken, built up so much it crushed us everyday. Of all the things I
felt but never really shown. Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you
go I should not ever let you go. Won't Go Home Without You- Maroon 5
You oughts hear the mirror in my house. You
oughta fear her pretty, pretty mouth, says I'm imperfect in every way.
Miss Almost, Miss Maybe, Miss Halfway. All my friends in L.A.
Got jobs on Melrose Place. I play replacement songs and sigh, a
waitress in the sky. You oughta hear the things I've been thinking, you
oughta swim in a heart that is sinking, you try to break me with all
the things you say. Miss Almost, Miss Maybe, Miss Halfway. Tony makes
sixty K. Invests in IRA's. But I'm busy making paper airplanes out of
resumes. But I'm gonna burn I'm gonna shine and multiply,
I'm gonna fill up the great divide, You'll never break me with all the
things you say.
Miss Almost, Miss Maybe, Miss Halfway. I'm gonna burn a pie now and
then, and I'm gonna say the wrong things to your friends, I'm gonna
burn and shine and multiply, and when I do, you're gonna see me in her
eyes. Miss Halfway- Anya Marina
 me
One more.. "Pathetic. What are we doing sitting here being depressed
about a boy who didn't call? I have to go live my life so that when I
read my biography it doesn't make me want to puke." -Paris Gellar
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| I love looking back on my old xanga entries.. like seeing what i was doing today a year ago, two years ago, even up to 4 years ago if i try hard enough.. but anyway there seems to be a reoccurring thing to my posts. Usually, there is a private one, occasionally with one or two comments like i'd let it be public for a day or so before setting it back to private. Then, a few minutes, hours, days later I'd post a public one, being lyrics, or a quote that almost expresses what I feel. Sometimes I wish I could get what I'm trying to say out on my own, but it's also nice to have something more, because I shouldn't have to do everything all on my own :)
mmm I love writing. and I could really go on and on on any given subject because I think a LOT, especially about how everything relates, and interrelates, and all of that. Though, I think I'll just leave it at this today. I've been over-thinking, in particular, about drinking and partying and all of that, so maybe it will bug me enough that I put it down on the xanga soon. Also a rant about boys..(and here I go relating everything) boys, more or less partying with boys, and how over certain things I am. I'll save that for another day though.
Other than that, so ready for winter to be over. Hate Christmas, hate snow, hate the music, hate that fake happiness and politeness that comes along with it. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Especially this last super hung over week where I haven't been able to sleep, I haven't been able to eat, and I've been constantly spaced out. Mostly I miss eating and being hungry and then being full :( its so easy to please to make me happy that way, FOOOOD, but when you aren't hungry you can't get full so its just this weird empty feeling all the time, very unsettling really.
the best first date I'm yet to have..
Somethin bout the way the street looks when its just rained: There's a glow off the pavement, walk me to the car and you know I want to ask you to dance right there in the middle of the parking lot.
Drivin down the road, I wonder if you know I'm trying to so hard not to get caught up now.
But you're just so cool run your hands through your hair absent mindedly making me want you.
I don't know how it gets better than this you take my hand and drag me head first fearless. And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress, FEARLESS.
Well you stood there with me in the doorway, my hands shake-I'm not usually this way but
You pull me in & I’m a little more brave, Its the first kiss, it's flawless, it's really somethin it’s fearless. :)
I WISH
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BEST FRIENDS. you know if you know, and I love YOU!
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| Are you thinking of me when you're putting on your makeup, darling? and
dying your hair like you do? Well you're wasting your time if you're
trying to impress me. I waste all my time just thinking of you.
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