When I'm ruler of the Universe...

When I rule the universe, things will be different.

Mouths will only be opened by physically moving a lever.  This way, it will be assured that the brain will be engaged before the gums begin to flap.

When someone says something really stupid or hurtful, the recipient of the crack will be able to write an X on the idiot's forehead with a purple sharpie.

Children will have mute buttons.

So will adults.

All childrens pants will be made of the soft side of the velcro strip. 

All chairs will be made of the hook side of the velcro strip.

Conception could only be achieved with the use of a kiwi.

Manners will be taught in school instead of self esteme.

Anyone wearing a hat backwards, pants too low or shirts to small, will be arrested and sentenced to watch reruns of Laurence Welk 40 hours per week.

If a fellow calls a woman a bitch, ho or cunt, his dick will fall off instantaneously.

All drugs would be fattening.

Chocolate would not be fattening.

Folks who post blury, dark and sideways pictures on Craigslist would have their computers crash.

Jim Carrey would not exist.  Nor would Will Ferrel or Adam Sandler. 

There would be no more reruns of "Everybody Loves Raymond," "Friends", "According to Jim", "King of Queens", "Sanford and Son", of "I Love Lucy."

There would be reruns all over the place of Barney Miller, The Muppett Show, How the West was Won and Alias Smith and Jones.  Oh, and WKRP in Cincinatti.

Dogs would not exceed 40 pounds.

Every girl could have a pony.

There would be no blue food or drink.

One third of all flowers would be red.  One third would be yellow.  The rest is up for grabs.

Curly hair, freckles and a few pounds would be considered uber sexy.

Everyone would have enough to eat and know how to cook it. 

Snails and octopus would not be considered food.

Neither would tomatoes or onion rings.

Naps would be mandatory for all ages.

I'll have to think of more.  Feel free to add on.

Woke early

No reason for getting up.  No reason for staying in bed either.

Two bad dreams about the same thing.  First one was the second day at camp.  Not going well.  Thinking I didn't want to do it for 2 more days.

Second one was also at camp.  Children being very disrespectful.  Not sure what to do.  Wanted to just throw them out. 

I hope the kids at camp next week don't follow this dream. 

In waking life they have just begun to tear up the streets again this morning.  It is 7:45.

The dust from this crap is covering our vehicles.  The noise is awful.  It looks like a month long project the way they are doing it.  Yikes.

Soon we'll have a nice smooth road for the speeders. 

I put in a request for speedbumps. 

They'll probably have to tear up the road to put them in.

There is a plan to improve streets here in town.  Will cost us plenty.  Never mind that we've already paid 3 times for this.

Anyway, the plan showed a map of the roads that would be improved.  Basically, it was a map of Tulsa.  Every single road.  Well, I actually counted 8 miles of roads that were not on it.  Only 8. 

The road in front of my house has a few cracks in it .  It is not bad.  The main road to the east of this neighborhood has holes in it 3 feet wide and 5 inches deep. 

My road gets about 100 cars an hour.  The main road gets about 1000 cars an hour. 

Makes perfect sense to fix my road first, doesn't it?

The road to the west of this neighborhood it being repaired.  They put in new curbs.  These things are, I kid you not, 8 inches high!!  We can change the name of that road to "Spare Again Avenue."

I saw a young man waddling up the road the other day.  Would have given him a ride except for the waddle.  It was caused by the fact that his shorts reached his ankles because they did not reach his hips.  He waddled to keep them from hitting the pavement. 

I remember when this stupid style started.  It was just the "thing" to show an inch or two of plaid boxers at the top of ones pants.  Now, the pants don't cover any portion of the ass at all.  They are belted at the top of the thighs.

WTF is up with that?  It is stupid!!  Impractical!! Unhygienic and disgusting!!!  I don't want to think that someone was sitting in his drawers on any chair currently occupying my own butt!!

Pull up your pants already!!

I have decided to start a word of mouth campaign.  I hope you will all join me.

I am going to make sure these kids know the reason behind this style.  Who cares if it holds any truth at all.  If it gets this style booted, halejuyah!!  Here it is;

The purpose of wearing pants below ones crack is to keep the hole exposed for use.  Sexual use.  By wearing pants in this manner, the wearer is sending an invitation to any and all organs that says, "Come in here."  Pun intended.

Hence the term, "Shoot the moon."

This style was started in prison.  Those who were willing to be on the bitch end of sodomy, indicated so by keeping their receivers free of extra incumbrances. 

So, if one wears their pants slung low, they are gay (not there's anything wrong with that) or at least enjoy good gay sex (or bad gay sex for that matter)

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.  I hope you all will join me. 

I shared this notion with my son.  I asked him what other possible reason there could be for such foolishness.

His reply....IBS?

In the news

With serious tone of voice, the anchor says that oil fell a "significant" amount today.  More than $5 per barrel.  Incredible! Except that yesterday it dropped $6 per barrel.  Yesterday they said that was the largest drop in 17 years!  Uh, last week they said it dropped $9 a barrel.  Do they really think we are that stupid?  Do they think we forget what they say as soon as we turn off the TV?  Do they forget what they say as soon as they go home?

I'm guessing the $6 day was significant because it really dropped $11 at one point but went up before closing.  Either the reporters were too stupid to "get it" or they think we are. 

Whatever.  They still say it will be "some time" before we see a drop at the pump.

Fuck them all.

My mother's bank is now being investigated.  My mother sold her house for about $850,000.  She had a bit of money invested before that.  Not sure how much the new house was but since it is not water front property in Virginia Beach, I'm guessing it was considerably less.  She likely has more than a half mil invested somewhere.  She and dad had an advisor.  I hope he didn't advise bonds from that bank.  She could be in trouble.  She will be 80 tomorrow and doesn't need the stress of wondering if dad's hard earned money is kaput.

Saw a story on the news about a 5 year old boy who will not be allowed to attend school (not sure what town) in the fall unless he gets a hair cut.  He is a Native American and wears his hair in two long braids.  Folks were standing up at the school board meeting to insist the dress code rule not be changed.  If it were, they suggested, other rules might be next.  Oh the "slippery slope" argument. 

Fuck that group of white faced old bigots too.  Who are his braids hurting?  I can only imagine how open this group would be to a kid wearing an hajib. 

The water park here in town that opened even though an inspector declared the place unsafe, didn't pay rent at all last year.  Only paid half the year before.  Now a bunch of folks are trying to pretend there wasn't a cover up.  Good news is, it will cost the idiot county commissioner her job.  She wasn't well liked before, I bet her dog won't wag its tail for her now.

My city has more prime planning.  Last Friday I got a notice on my door saying a street project would begin July 14.  It also said I would be notified of a public meeting to discuss the project.  Uh, when?  How could they have a meeting between the 11th and the 14th let alone notify the neighbors?  Yeah, didn't think so.

A month or so ago, they told us to put our busted trees out at the curb after a series of wind storms buried us yet again.  They said they'd be around in the next few weeks.  Well, after 2 weeks they said it would be 2 months.  Great. 

Here's a thought, if the city knew it would be tearing up a street and knew there would be limbs at the curbs, maybe they could have sent the debris pick ups before the road tear ups. 

Nope.  The road crews just tossed our debris back up into our yards.  Thanks dick heads.

Heard a story about a shooting.  One station says it was a burglary.  Another says a drug deal gone bad.  Did they talk to the same cops?

The second station kept saying it occurred in North Tulsa.  We like to think crime stays on the other side of "the line."  Well, even after they said North, they said 5th Street.  Anyone who has lived here for a week knows that 5th Street is in south Tulsa.  South of "the line" anyway.  The anchor even said "5th and North Lewis."  Uh, 5th intersects South Lewis idiot. 

The first station repeated ad nauseam that this occurred near a school.  Oh really?  One, school is out.  Two, the closest school that has not been closed permanently is about a mile away.  And even though it is a year round school, it is closed in July.  Can we say "add drama"?

http://www.tulsaworld.com/webextra/content/2008/blue_jackalope/default.html

The link is to a story of a guy from my church.  I've always had a bit of a crush on him.  Very cute.  Just not very tall.

This building used to be Peace House.  Now Peace House has moved into one of the Unitarian churches in town.  Worked out very well for all.

I think I'll go get a cup of coffee at the Blue Jackalope tomorrow. 

http://www.amazon.com/Backyard-Birdsong-Guide-Eastern-Central/dp/0811863425/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1216335966&sr=1-2

That's what I got my mother for her birthday.  She is quite blind so I thought she might like to identify birds by their calls.  She will complain about the gift.  I've given her bird books in the past.  But it was on sale.

Isn't that touching?

Pleasantness

Chatted with my neighbors over the fence yesterday and today.  Very pleasant couple.  Friendly, sharp, great story tellers. 

Helped the mister unhook a chunk of fence.  This guy is closing in on 80, about a foot shorter than me, stooped and, since he goes shirtless, I can see that he has had surgery on both shoulders.  He is also stronger than me!!  We were both holding onto plumbing wrenches, pulling in opposite directions and he was winning!!  If the joint hadn't finally given way (our goal) I would have been humiliated!!

He was a cowboy for a while.  A real one.  Rode the fence line of a ranch aback a brown mare.  I have got to get to know this fellow more. 

Got some of the greatest news last night.  Local school superintendent is OUT!!!!  Sure, we'll have to pay him off to the tune of $400,000.  But it is worth it to keep our children safe from his Dickensian ideas.  Did I spell that right?  He seriously just wanted to crank out a low skilled, zombie work force.  Only 3 or 4 of our high schools are geared towards college.  Recess was taken out of a few elementary schools and replaced with "organized physical guidance."  Some schools ate lunch in their class rooms.  Music and art?  Forget about it.

His down fall was an alternative school and a plan that did not allow for parent input or due process.  Mostly, it was just heavy handed disrespect towards the students and their families.  Lot of law suits.  One of them mine.  I really don't think the school system won a single one.  The judge didn't like the superintendent.  She said so when the paper called for his resignation.  I like that judge.  Always have.  Now even more.

Anyway, off to a game tonight.  Haven't been in quite a while.  Busy, busy.  I hope we do well.  Really in the mood to cheer tonight.

Anything else?  Paper work in.  Didn't stick around for the interview.  They are interviewing for utility assistance this week.  Pretty sure I wouldn't qualify for that.  Just dropped off the stuff and ran.  Had to wait for them to make copies of some of it.  Almost didn't get my citizenship papers back.  Someone had to ask someone if it was a legal document.  Duh!  See the little eagle thingy in the corner.  That was placed there by some sort of US official.  It's a frickin' federal document!  They have a copy of it already.

Oh, here's another "system error."  When electronic filing of income tax first started, the IRS had a free program only for invitees.  I was one of the lucky ones.  To electronically sign, one had to put in their birthday.  Simple, no?  I did just that and it told me I was wrong.  Input again.  Wrong again.  Called SS office.  Can't tell me anything by phone.  Went in.  Was asked my birthday.  Told them it was in February.  Nope.  Wrong.  Gee, you'd think I'd know.  Apparently, on a form somewhere, the 2 was changed to a 7.  My birthday is in July.  I asked that it be changed back.  Can't without paperwork.  How was it changed in the first place.  Error.  Well, error it back.  Can't.  I'd have to bring in my birth certificate.

Made an appointment and showed up with my BC.  Won't take it.  Not an American document.  No shit.  Do you see where I was born?

Made an appointment and brought in my Citizenship certificate.  Nope.  Wasn't issued on my birthday.  Of course it wasn't.  Neither, for that matter was the BC.  But my birthday is clearly written on it.  Typed on it actually.   Won't do.  I'd have to bring in both.

Haven't done that in the last 12 years.  Suppose I should one of these days.  Instead, when I electronically sign my tax returns, I state that I was born in July. 

Some chuckles to relieve me of a headache

Son asked me last night if caffeine was addictive.

Oh hell yeah!  I've been addicted for decades.

My dropping soda has a bit to do with fighting an addiction and a bit about the foolishness of spending $60 a month on bubbles. 

It hasn't been too bad so far.  My head aches easily but nothing like last time I decided to quit.  I do drink tea.  Not sure how much caffeine is in that.  Generally just drinking it with meals although I had a glass this morning to get me moving a bit.  Had a soda when we stopped at a store the other day.  It was delicious.

So, off to the funnies.  Thought I'd write about my animals again.  Mike had a pain free day yesterday so gave me hope that we may be over the hump.  Cried today though and folded up.  Back on meds.

Spot seems to have rejoined us permanently.  Yeah.  Well, mostly yeah.  He is a pest of a dog.  I began training him seriously the other day.  The methods on "It's me or the Dog" do seem to work.

Ninny will get top billing today.

Ninny was worried about me this morning.  I must have stayed in bed too long.  He checked to be sure I was breathing.  Apparently putting his nose right to my mouth was not enough to give him a clue so he sneezed.  I'm guessing this was to see if there would be a reaction or perhaps to see if the water droplets would be moved by any air I was exhaling. 

When that did not rouse me, he took my pulse.  He does this by stepping on my face.  He must not have very sensitive paws because he has to adjust himself and put all of his weight on that particular one.

Assuming I was indeed in trouble if not already dead, he proceeded to do KPR (Kitty paw resuscitation.).  This involves pouncing on any part of my anatomy and proceeding to walk up and down my body. 

That did it.  I sat up.

Now Mike comes into the picture.  He has this very important job of warming the floor.  I don't actually know why the floor needs to be warmed but he takes this job seriously so I don't ask.   Unfortunately, Mike is now deaf.  He can't hear me wake up (or shift position of the sofa) so he doesn't actually know when to move the hell out of the way so that I can enjoy the freshly warmed floor.

See, he lies on the floor exactly where my feet will have to go for me to get out of bed (or off the sofa).  I unfold my considerable length and endeavor to ground my feet.  I suppose it would be very nice to plant my feet on newly toasted carpet.  But alas, I generally drop them onto surprised dog.

Mike has another job.  He anchors my office chair.  Why my chair needs anchored, I don't know.  But apparently, it does.  Mike sits between the legs so that it cannot possibly move.  I can't even move my feet.  Chair and I are one and locked in place.  No accidental moving going on here.  He keeps his position until someone else goes into the kitchen, perhaps to get him cheese.

Spot has a job too, I guess.  He keeps us tidy.  Since he is willing to eat most laundry, we simply must keep it washed.  Clean clothes are of no interest to him (unless we are wearing them in which case he will nip and pull if it might get our attention). 

So, there you have it.  Pets and their due diligence in keeping their people safe and happy.