i just finished watching this movie called "message in a bottle." it was really sad and made me think a lot about my own relationships. i also watched "my big fat greek wedding" today and there were 2 parts that really got to me and even got me all teared up.

abdoul was supposed to head to france on thursday, well today i mean. and i was having such a hard time with it. i didnt know what to do with myself, i didnt want him to go. i dont know why i felt so attached to him. he called me up tonight and informed me that he wasnt able to get his passport in time so he wont be going. i didnt feel relief. so now im super confused as to how i feel about him at all. i mean i know i care about him more than anyone could ever know, but im just lost cuz it doesnt feel like his feelings are real. i know, he's not great at expressing himself but when u love someone, the other person feels it.

maybe im comparing him to serge who constantly reminded me how important i was to him, he still does that now even tho we're not together anymore. i wish i had more time to be with abdoul, more time to learn how he, i want his walls to come down, it feels like he wont let me into his world. maybe im really not right for him. he's much more mature than i am, and i feel like a child sometimes when i want him to stay by my side a bit longer. deep down i know he needs to go, and i feel guilty for holding on for another 5mins more. but he gets scared when i suggest that maybe we're not right for each other, and then he proceeds to reassure me that im right for him. he says that im so special to him and that he doesnt want to lose me. thats when he tells me that he loves me and he cant wait to see me and give me a big hug.

and im stupid because i believe him and i let my heart open up to him. i fall in love, i give away my whole self to him. id do anything for him, he cant see that. he doesnt understand what love means to me. i have so much i want to share, so much i want to give of myself, so much i want to do for him. and when i cant, i feel like im suffocating. i need someone to receive my love. he says he'll love me forever and i melt so fast. i dont like believing those words becuz i know they'll only come back to hurt me in the future. he doesnt have time to be in love, it doesnt seem like he knows how strong the word love really is.

im probably just selfish becuz i want so much from him. he already does so much for me. i prolly set too high of standards for him. i dunno, i just want someone to be there for me. a companion, a best friend, a confidant, a partner. someone who will understand that all i want is for them to let me love them.

i never thought loving someone was so tough. last saturday we were in each others arms, he was lying with me, my head rested on his shoulder and his arms wrapped around me. i never felt better than i had in that moment. it was such an amazing feeling of togetherness. i felt so safe and just perfect and all it took from him was just to let me be next to him.

i dunno how to communicate with him. we both try to do whats best  for each other, and both speak in code and the other one has to read between the lines. thats why its so hard on a daily basis. i just love him, very much, i wish he could see how my heart thumps outta my chest everytime he calls or even looks my way. he may never understand how heartwretching it is to be away for even a day from him.

ahh im so crazy. i dont know why life is so crazy. im going to sleep, maybe ill figure it out in my dreams, peace.

this is a great place to vent, complain, and release everything inside my crazy mind. im so tired of life being so insane and stressful. it never wants to be normal. now that school is out for summer, im dealing with the same problems as last year. im torn between work, my future with school, and guys. i have soo much junk to deal with, its just driving me up the wall.

my boss needs me at work cuz she has like noone to help out. my mother is nagging me, telling me i cant work, that i need to stop working asap. she's almost yelling at me tryin to make me stop working. shit, i know she has perfectly good reasons for that but the problem is how do i explain those reasons to my boss? i cant, i dont know how, i just dont know anytihng anymore. i hate the way my family has to suffer, how my mom never has a break, a moment to enjoy her life. she's always worried about something. its not fair how hard my mother has to work day to day just to make our lives pleasent. she can never do anything for herself. my mother is a great person, she has only pure and self less intentions. she gives 200% of herself everyday to us, her kids. she lives for us, and i wish i could hurry up and do the same for her. she gives and gives and gives to others. she is my hero. i dunno who id be without her.

sometimes i feel soooo trapped. like theres no where to turn. no way to get out of this misery. sometimes i feel like my family is sinking in quick sand with no signs of help or relief anywhere. stupid money, i hate money, its killing my family. i wish i could give my family everything they ever needed to be happy and healthy. its the only thing i could ever wish for.

i live for making people happy. thats why i feel so rewarded after one day of work. knowing i did something to please at least one person fills my heart with joy. if i had the time, id honestly work at my job for free. screw money, seriously, im about to go there everyday just to help out. i love being there. i love the people i work with, i love working with the elderly who are so kind (well most of them), so greatful for the small things. they make me feel sooo wonderful about myself. they boost my self esteem everytime i see them. they have such golden words. it's like a big room full of my really good friends. I LOVE MY JOB! despite the hard times and frustrating few, its always a joy to be with the Revitz crew. im really happy i stuck it through the year and continued working there.

it really sux that i cant work there for the most unfair reasons in the world. its crazy. plus im being pressured to take summer classes. ahhh i dunno, i really dont want to. but i guess i have to. ugh school is gross in the summer time. what eves.

today at work and before work and after work abdoul really confused and aggravated me. ugh everything he said really bugged the shit outta me. i hate the relationship we have. he's my night time boyfriend. ugh how annoying. i only get to talk to him at night, we see each other only at night. we talk on the phone for very limited amounts cuz he calls me at night and he's dead tired from working since 5 in the morning and has to get up again the same time the following day. and we dont get to talk about anything cuz we have like 30 mins. then he goes to sleep. i see him once a week when he comes over, unless i see him at work and its not like we get to hang out, we hide our retarted r-ship at work even tho everyone pretty much knows somethings going on between us.

and i just dont feel loved by him. he's a great person, but i dunno, he just doesnt have time to be in relationship. he's too busy with other things in his life. and i understand that he needs to do those things, i know he has to work and that he's busy tryin to survive but pulling me into his life isnt working for me. he just doesnt have the room or time in his life right now to deal with a stupid teenager with moodswings. i cant deal with his serious busy 22 year old life. the worst part is that im in love with him and it hurts cuz i cant be with him the way i wish i could be. its almost like teasing a child with candy. i hate seeing him just once a week. i dunno how i want to feel about him.

i still have serge in my heart. he's always on my mind. sometimes i think i made the wrong choice to be with abdoul instead of serge. ugh, serge loved and still loves me sooo strongly. it just makes me want to cry cuz i miss what we had. i hate this soo much. we talked yesterday about all the wonderful times we had together.  it made me really sad cuz i realised how much happier i was with him than i am right now with abby. it just seems that serge and i connect on a much deeper level. maybe abby and i would be the same way if we ever got a chance to actually spend time together. i mean when we're toghether we dont have a moment just to enjoy each others company. abby's always in a rush to get home so he can go to sleep cuz he has to get up early. i never just have a moment to get to know him better. it seems like i never will. ill be stuck in this r-ship and it wont move anywhere. i wont know him any better, we'll never be able to share anything special. ugh then why am i so head over heals for him? i fell in love with the guy at work. i love who he is, but i want to connect with him on other levels too. and i cant, we have no time for that, well HE doesnt have time, not me. ugh im too tired for this.

i just want to forget about everything for tonight.

i realized something very important this morning while i was waiting for my 8:30am biology class. i now realize that guys make me feel terrible about myself, and i dont really know why i bother to put myself through this crap every freaking day. it's not even right.

damn night time phone calls. if someone fucking loves you then they dont call u at fucking 10:30pm every damn night. and if they do then they shouldnt end the conversation after talking about some kinda stupid shit and then just saying "ok goodnight." guys are sooo fucking dumb. guess im even dumber for putting up with their shit.

they have one goal. once they get what they want from you, ur worthless, and then u start to feel like nothing. i hate this so much, and i cant believe i keep thinking he's gonna change. and the worst thing is, i feel like im the one who's doing something wrong. whatever, screw the male species. im fed up with tryin to figure out between the good and the bad. its not even worth it anymore.

and another thing on this lovely messed up night, when u think u have a real friend on ur side, check twice before u jump infront of the bullet, u may be protecting the wrong person. a true friend is the one who will ALWAYS be there for u, and never gets tired of you coming to them for advice or just to be listened to.

right now i feel extremely alone in the world. there are only about 2 people i can think of that have never judged me and have always been there to give a helping hand or an ear to listen when i needed them. friends that have been true with kindness from their hearts. Tracey and Marina, you guys were the people who came to mind when i thougth about the meaning of a true friend. im just ashamed and sorry that i havent always been the best kind of friend in return. im greatful to you guys for being so good to me, i hope one day i can be there for u guys like u've been there for me. i truely heart u guys!

there now i feel better. thinking about nice people that are in my life always makes me feel better. thanks a whole bunch Tracey and Marina! hugs and kisses to u guys!

k well tomorrow is another day, hopefully it'll be better than today was. peace out everyone.

so i found out that when i was picking up my bro from work yesterday i missed 2 phone calls! im sooo sad. i missed mago's call, and ELIJAH's call too!!! UGH now he's never gonna call me again. im not so worried about mago cuz ill see him tomorrow, but man, i really really hope i get a chance to talk to elijah. crossing my fingers. ok well peace out.

in the past month and a half i feel like i've been to the moon and back. im being flooded with, not unwanted, but unneeded attention. i've wanted this since i can remember. but now that i have it, i dont know how to handle it. its rediculous and hilarious to me at the same time. and the strangest thing is i really dont understand what they see in me. i can name a ton of people who are soo much better than myself in soooooo many ways. girls who are gorgeous and intelligent, kind and caring, fun and outgoing, with amazing qualities that guys look for. i dont have those things, i dont see anything special about myself. but they seem to like something. im just confused and at a loss to figure out what it is.

last weekend was abdoul's birthday. we went to FUR together. besides my outfit, nothing was that great. it wasnt the best experience for either of us lol. abbs told me he almost fell when i opened the door at my house. he was like,"i was gonna just sit on the floor, i was just like 'wow'." aww he's sucha sweetie. there was traffic going up cuz of construction, and we also got lost. when we got there is was freezing cold waiting in the "no waiting" line. then it was like 25 bucks per person to get in. i paid cuz it was his birthday. he got upset at me for paying. he was like, "how is it that u just paid 60 dollars for us? im gonna pay you back." and i said to him "dont worry about it." he was really unsatisfied with that and said to me, "ok then we're not going out anymore." i just kinda looked at him and looked away, and then i just kinda hugged him around his waist. he hugged me back and didnt say anything about the money anymore. he just accepted it and that was that. i mean seriously he always pays for everything, i think it was my turn to pay. haha gotta love a guy who gets mad at u for paying for stuff.

so the rest of the night wasnt all that wonderful. it was hard to dance with people literally packed on the floor like sardines. we not knowingly went into a reserved sitting area and had some trouble with these pakistani indian looking guys. they started shoving abdoul. he got really pissed and when we sat down somewhere else he kept trying to leave me and go settle things with those guys. i had to stop him from leaving my side like 3 times. he was like im gonna go to the bathroom, i was like oh no u dont mister. i knew he would go back over there. he told me he wanted to punch the guy. i was like we're not gonna start a fight up in here. i waited for him to cool off and then we went to dance. then we were dancing and having a good time. we left at around 2. i dont think he had that good of a time on his birthday, i felt kinda bad but there wasnt anything else i could do. plus he had some trouble with his brother so he was kinda in blad mood. but anyway he deserves sooo much better than me.

it really sux when you realise that ur feelings are fading for that certain someone who u loved soo much before. but u still feel that attachment and dont know where to go from there. ugh poor people im sucking into my miserable life.

so yesterday i went to get my bro from work, and abby came out and we were all talkin. this guy drove by and was looking for this one building. abby told him how to get there. then my bro and abdoul went back inside to clock out and i got in my car. the next thing i know the guy who was getting directions from abdoul parks next to me and starts talking to me. i thought he was gonna re-ask me directions. i rolled down my window and he was like, "excuse me is that ur boyfriend???" he was asking me about abdoul cuz he was standing next to me before. and i was like oh my goodness what is it with these guys? so i answer him, "yea he is." this guy gets a really dissappointed look on his face. he asked me my name and if i was from germany. i told him i was from ukraine and he told me his name. it was really funny and exciting to me so i was like laughing at the same time i was talkin to him. he was like, "i was really hoping he wasnt ur boyfriend." i was like, "really, why???" he was like cuz i thought maybe i could get to know u." holy freaken moly this kinda thing needs to stop happening to me. i was like omgoodness. lol i told him i was waiting for my brother to get off work. he was like "u know we can still get to know each other." i was like yea i guess we can. he was like, "can i get ur phone number?" i was like, "he's gonna kill me if i do." he was like,"aww come on," so i quickly gave it to him. lol and then i saw my brother coming back with abdoul. so the guy was like ok, ill give you a call. and i was like ok, sounds great. there was a guy sitting in the passenger's seat in his car, and he waved to me. oh man. this is so insane. but let me tell you thg guy who got my number is the hottest guy ive ever been approached by. i know this is soo bad, but oh freaken well.

i dont know anything about this guy. he could be just some pimp tryin to pick up chicks, but who knows. i dunno what he saw in me. i was wearing a black mini skirt and a baggy red t-shirt. i had just taken a shower so my hair was a little wavy and i put on some black eyeliner. i had flip flops on. i guess that was a good look for me. he may end up thinking well this chick has a boyfriend so im not gonna bother with it. maybe he already has a girlfriend, maybe his cell is full of other numbers just waiting to be dialed. maybe he put the numbers into his phone incorrectly. anything is possible. at this point i really dont think he'll call me. ill be very surprised if he does. if he doesnt call then hey its all good. maybe it would be better if he didnt, even though he's soo good looking. lol

oh man. thursday night after my math class, this guy was talkin to me after class for like an hour. he was asking me if i had a boyfriend, i told him i have 2, then i was like, jk jk. he started asking me what im looking for in a guy and asked me to tell him something about myself. he was like, "you have a really nice smile, and im not tryin to hit on you, u just have a really nice smile." i was like thank you. oh brother, he let me smell his cologne that was in his car. he was like, "gotta smell nice, you never know who ur gonna have to hug." i knew from that sentence that he was gonna hug me at the end of the night. lol he asked me for my phone number, and i hesitated, so he was like "u dont have to give it to me" but i was like no i dont care and i gave him my number. oh man. so it was like 10pm and i had to get home. and of course he decided to give me 2 hugs, and smelled my hair. he says he likes my hair the best outta everyone's in the class cuz its the longest. oh dear crazy boys. he called me yesterday but i was out on my bike so my sister told him i wasnt home. ill see him on tuesday in class though.

yesterday morning brice told me he wanted me to be with him. i was like omGOD what is this spring fever or something????? i told him that he deserved someone better. he told me that when i want him that i should come and tell him. im like wow people this is too much!

there's this really hott guy in my math class, his name is eric. he's always asking me if he can borrow my book cuz he forgets his. he's really kinda mysterious and quiet. really smart, and super sweet. damn i had a very nice dream about him last night! he's one white guy i would not mind gettin with.

about a month ago i was gettin gas at freestate. i drove up and went to pay for the gas, next to my pump were these 2 spanish guys totally checking me out. i just ignored them. i came back began filling my tank. then i went back to get change. as i was going to my car this black african middle aged guy decided to strike up a convo with me! haha he was at the pump where the spanish guys were, but they had already left. so the guy is like how are you?, shakes my hand asks my name, tells me "you are soooo beautiful," im like AHH, lol of course i say thank you and smile. then he's like id like to get to know u better. and i wasnt about to give my info to some 40 year old dude. i mean i wouldnt mind gettin to know him, i give everyone a chance to be my friend, but i think my rents would get a little freaked out if they found out i was friends with a grown man. LOL so i was like im really sry i cant, i have to go, cuz i was running late and i wasnt gonna give him my info or anything. he told me again that im really beautiful and that it was really nice to talk with me. these kinda things are major self esteem boosters! when a person is genuine with their words it just makes u feel soo amazing inside!

see what i mean about going to the moon and back! speaking of the moon, i look at it every every night! i love the moon!

you know what? i know that serge truely loves me. he really does, no one has ever loved me like he has. apart from my family of course. i just dont know if he's right for me. thats why i cant really settle for one person, my standards and expectations are too high, so when i see something better i grasp on to it, makin sure i dont loose something that can be the perfect thing for me. i just seem to be looking in all the wrong places. none of these guys are right for me. at least not now. its nice to be wanted, i admit its really nice. but its not fair to all these people. what a terrible life i have began. my littel brothers all call me a pimp and player. its terrible.

oh goodness my brother's girlfriend's brother ritchie also keeps calling me and wantin to hang out with me. i seriously cant take all this. he's a nice guy, but i dunno what to do anymore.

oh well i guess i have to just leave everything alone. let some people go, tell them to fly away for a while. maybe just shuttin myself off would be good? not answer phone calls, ignore people. not hang out with them? i dunno its kinda harsh going cold turkey like that. no one deserves that right?

ok well i guess i have to go and try to figure this stuff out, im very insane! peace out my friends.......much love to all who actually read this junk.