Money Money Money

Every now and then I hate people.  Now is one of those times when I am reminded.  Granted it's gotten to the point where it takes very little to remind me.

(Fortunately no, it doesn't have anything to do with the guy I was talking about.  But yes I still do hate people.)

I've been spending a lot of time with him lately.  Granted he's going to be gone for a week and a half to visit family in Europe, so I guess this makes up for it.  We spent 24 hours together this weekend- two of our usual shows together, and then the night after the first show, through the next morning, second show, and then again afterward.  It was great.  He actually called back that night just to thank me for coming out to see him sing with his choir.  I didn't even think a thanks was necessary, so it was nice to get the call.  Then this week we hung out twice.  The second night I was going to say goodbye after hanging out at his place for a little after the movie, then I asked if he would come home with me and go to work from there, and he said yes. 

I figured he's only going to be gone for a week and a half, no problem, but he actually said that we can talk over email during that time too.  This is definitely not just a physical relationship.  I made a slip and said something about us "being together", and he did say that he didn't want to have that label around people (since hardly any of our mutual friends know about us).  I think he doesn't want to lose his identity.  But basically we're doing all the dating stuff- we go on dates and he increasingly is willing to touch me in public (at first he was totally against PDA).

So I'd say things are going well.  I don't feel too concerned about him finding someone else.  Granted that was my downfall last time as well, but I'm still happy about the way things are going.  After all, this means I can still mess around with girls (as I did last week).  And he said he didn't want to know if I did, so I don't have to feel guilty.

Currently Watching I Am Legend By Alice Braga, Charlie Tahan, Thomas J. Pilutik, Salli Richardson, Paradox Pollack see related

Just to preface, the person that I'm referencing below does not read this page, nor do they even know this page exists.

Why do I have more trouble looking into your eyes and doing a "being with" exercise with you?  In so many Landmark classes, I have done this exercise on basically anyone without a problem; I'm so good at it.  Why then is it harder with you?  Because with you, I am afraid that I am so transparent that you will see how I feel about you.  You look so beautiful when I look in your eyes.  You tell me I look beautiful too, but how can anyone help but look beautiful when they're looking into the eyes of someone they care about and feeling the way I do?

Now I haven't passed over to the love stage, thank goodness, but I am definitely crushing.  And I can feel the difference now when we're in bed together.  I noticed when you said when you're with someone just once, all it is is a fuck, but then you said how this was more than that, more intimate.  Am I just imagining that you are falling for me too?  It sure doesn't seem like my imagination. But I like how we are doing this.  We're being smart; I'm going to leave, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about how this is going to play out.  And I'm starting to get my feeling of being trapped a little.  I like what we have; I love being with you, but it still automatically is starting to come up that I think, What am I giving up?  I think you are so cute, but I still think of if I could get someone better- am I going to have a problem with this or that part of your personality.  It's terrible, but I also think how I could get someone thinner.  I feel like such an asshole for thinking it.  Not to mention even more so since your weight bothers you to begin with.  I thought I had gotten over this whole thing I do of finding things wrong as soon as something starts to get serious.  I think of how this will change my social life- where I can bring you, and how I can identify. 

I love how you moved me into the light last night so that you could see my eyes.  I love how even with all your desire to be masculine, you still have no fear to be affectionate, and look at me with such sweetness.  I love how you don't hesitate to say things about your feelings that traditionally are more feminine feelings.  Which is ironic because you say how you don't express yourself.  Maybe I've just lowered the standard since you've said that to me, but you've seemed to me to tell me your feelings.

And of course I love how Ann pointed out that you've seemed happier lately.  :)

I want my best friend.  I want the person that never judges me, completely understands me, and allows me to be myself completely safe.  I want to talk to him and tell him about my concerns, about the silly things going off in my head about this new “relationship”, to use the term loosely.  I want him to reiterate the things in my head, saying that I’m just being nervous as always, convinced that I am going to do something to mess it up, assured that I am going to scare the other person off.  Someone that loves and understands me, knows every inch of me inside and out, and knows exactly where my fears come from. (For those without background info, my best friend is my ex, who I stopped talking to about two months ago)

It’s funny, I can see here and there little places where my work at Landmark shows up in my life.  I think without it, I probably would keep a lot of these things I’m thinking inside, thinking it will scare someone off if I say them.  I didn’t used to be that way; I used to say every little thing in my head, and people close to me actually liked that about me.  I still do that more than most people I think, but somewhere on the line I came to the conclusion that I was scaring some people off with that, and they were afraid of me or thought something was wrong with me when I did that, and I started censoring more of what I said.  Last night I was talking to the guy I’m starting to see.  I want to tell him that I rather like him, and that I’m afraid that he will naturally just like me because I’m attractive; that what he will really want about me is just sex, not to actually date me.  I know it sounds crazy, but it’s actually weird to have someone that already knows my personality want to date me.  I think, they already know how crazy I am; why would they want to date me?  As opposed to someone that learns to love me as they go along.  I have to admit, it does feel a little awkward.  These are the kinds of things I miss my best friend reassuring me about.  It did cross my mind to call him for moral support; the problem is that I don’t want to know anything about his life; I can’t deal with hearing about it.  But if I hang around him long enough, my curiosity will get the better of me and I’ll just have to ask.  It’s better not being around it at all and trying to forget about it.  Oh yes, but I digress.  So I was talking to the current guy last night and he was saying that he’s not sure if he can make it tonight; he might have to work.  I’ve been doing my thing of being all cool, not showing that I’ve been getting really into him.  So instead of saying “sure, no problem,” I said, “Aw, that stinks, because I really was looking forward to seeing you.”  I made sure he knew it wasn’t a guilt trip, and that he definitely should work if he has to work, but that I wanted him to know that I was looking forward to seeing him.  He said the same.  And of course, the first thing that went in my head was, “You probably weren’t looking forward to dinner; you were hoping you would get to hookup with me.”  Which is funny, because we actually don’t have time for that at all tonight and he knows that.  Maybe I just need to stop being cynical and assuming that guys could actually be interested in my company just as much as me physically.  I actually thought yesterday, you know, I’m going to get hurt no matter what, so I might as well say what I’m really thinking and get hurt that way rather than get hurt and wish I had had a chance to say this other stuff.  I know that sounds cynical as well, but it actually helped.

I think I’m going to drive my roommate nuts if I talk about this guy any more.