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Name: Christopher
Country: United States
State: Missouri
Metro: Springfield
Birthday: 10/21/1984
Interests: Love, passion, destiny, fate, faith, trust. Understanding the threads of our existences, and how and why they come together as they do. Happiness. People. Your mind. Mine. God's plan for each of us.
Expertise: Testing people, being tested, being prone to emotional fits, causing them, loving people, hurting people, loving myself, hurting myself, being profound, being simple.
Occupation: Research and development
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message meEmail: email me
MSN: chris_powers13@hotmail.com
Member Since:
1/5/2004
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| I haven't attended church since June 21, 2004, when I left a post on my
Xanga site. Before that time, I was a very devout Christian (the
pursuit of God was literally and truly my life), all of my friends
(especially Nathan, Patty (my now ex-girlfriend), Christy, Logan,
Amber, Rebecca, Kara, and Renee) were (and still are), life was great,
but I thought that meant I was supposed to battle my sexuality for God.
So did all of those old, dear, missed friends. None of them knew it at
the time, but it was killing me inside. That post
was a declaration that I could be gay AND a Christian. It changed my
life. I have come to refer to that period of time as the "battle for
Chris Powers' soul." It divided a lot of people, caused a lot of bitter
disputes and arguments, and people I adored were less than kind or
civil to me. I never thought I had the power to do that to anyone, or
to so many. I lost a lot of very close, very loved friends. Well, I
didn't lose them--I still knew where they were--but they drifted away.
After that time, I slowly, through many events and times and people,
have become who I have been. And I have hated a lot about that person.
I have been feeling an emptiness for an indeterminate amount of time
(but it's a long one) that nothing can fill--no amount of friends,
social popularity, parties, not even Donte, came close to filling it,
and it has affected me every day for longer than I can recall.
Lately, I have been trying to get closer to God, because He is what
filled that emptiness before, and I left Him out of sheer laziness of
spirit. My faith is the only thing that can save me from myself. I
apologize to all of the people I have experimented with in the pursuit
of filling the void. Joseph, I wasn't ready; Donte, I honestly still
can't handle you because you left an even bigger hole in me; I'm sorry
to all of the friends that I make and leave behind because I am so
inconstant, because I let my emptiness lead me into solitude, then make
excuses for it. I made no effort to keep you in my life. These people
would include Leslie H, Dan M, Jenny T, Chelsea M, Heather H, Amber E,
April G, Kara A, Renee M, now D, Nathan D, Rebecca M, Joe H, Micah B,
and I could go on and on. Every day I am sorry I don't still talk to
you. Every day I think about how many wonderful things I have let fall
into ruin. It is so hard for me, and I blame my emptiness and I blame
myself.
I need friends, not lovers. When I meet the man I am meant for, it will
happen, and I cannot force that desire on someone not destined for me.
I need God, not myself. I need to love God more than I love myself.
I have said a lot, and it feels good to write out a small portion of what I think and feel every moment of every day.
All of this is preface to the following statement.
I am going to church on Sunday, and I'm terrified. I have a long way to
go to get back to the amazing person I was and want to be again. I let
so much hard work go to waste and let so many lights in my life burn
out. My life was perfect when God was at the center of it, and now the
center of my universe is the black hole that always succeeds in sucking
all of the good into it. I have said that one of the goals of my life
is to show gay people that God is not their enemy; to do that, I have
to be, and stay, His friend.
That is all.
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| Thoughts on my desire to one day marry. 1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always
reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air
conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3)
Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never
adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the
service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
4) Straight
marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women
are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is
still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if
gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour
just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages
are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile
couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our
orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8)
Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours,
the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's
why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never
succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we
as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10)
Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy
behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has
legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
Sadly, there are many who actually believe some of these things.
REPOST THIS IF YOU BELIEVE THAT GAY MARRIAGE SHOULD
BE LEGAL! EITHER EVERYONE HAS EQUAL RIGHTS OR NO ONE DOES! THAT'S WHY
IT SAYS "ONE NATION, UNDER GOD, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL" | | |
| personality disorder test
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| Which Simpsons character would you be and why?I would be Lisa, just because I was like her as a child. She adds a meaningful note to the show that gives it part of its wholly universal appeal.
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| I'm an all or nothing kind of guy.
...
Current mood:  enraged
Never
again will I be non-confrontational. Fuck whoever gets in my way. I'm
more important anyway. We'll see how this completely antithetical way
of thinking suits me as well as how long it takes me to feel that I am
not sinning because of it.
Special note: Touch me without
permission and I'll break your hand. I'm not going to have one more
ruined night over some random slut. Especially an Eric.
It's too late for the biggest issue to be fixed, I'm sure. I'll get by.
The
anger cat is out of the bag. I won't suppress my anger anymore. It will
replace passivity as my primary defense. Don't offend me, because I
have Daddy's temper. | | |
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you were my keeper
you were my anchor
you were my family
you were my saviour
and therein lay the issue
and therein lay the problem
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