| It has been a while since i've written in my beloved Xanga. As of right now, im on winter break and i actually just came back from atlantic city with stacey jenn, alyssa, sean, stacey's gf maria, and jon. It was a lot of fun, but also made me think about stuff, but what else is new eh?. School. Well school is over woot. i go back in 2 weeks from today, on the 20th so what fun right? I got a D plus in the devil class, a C- in wonderful math, and i dont even know my other two grades. Coach called and said he needed to talk to me when i got back from AC so im sure that is not a good sign. Friends. I came back here, and had a blast, cindy nikki, pauly and everyone set up a suprise party for me which was really cute and made me extraordinarily happy you have no idea =] ; it was cool, my friends at Cent like jess logan and randi got pissed cuz i was sick and went MIA for a bit, sorry i got busy, sorry i was dyin, i mean what else could i say right? i mean jess and logan forgave me but randi is still being a little punk about the entire situation, but i really have no time for this. Over all everything is good with the friend part of my life. Nicky, wellll... nicky is a whole differnt chapter...... i havnt seen him since i've been home which superly upsets me but waht am i going to do right? Love. My love life is not so swift, i like someone, but im in love with someone else and it seems unfair for me to be with them, especially when my heart is elsewhere, i can't get it back, god do i wish i could. The guy i am in love with, is with another girl. a weird girl, who at first reminded me of myself, but she is nothing like me, she is shallow and prissy, i am deep and guyish. I mean if he is gonna leave me and drop the feelings we had for one another why doesn't he just upgrade not downgrade to a shallow spineless, materialistic whore and ugly too. I don know maybe i am jealous of her. haha who am i kidding, i just don't like her, i mean if he was dropping the feelings with a hot person i would be okay but honestly, im soo much better. Maybe he is't the guy just for me.... yah know? maybe i was wrong... but really what if, that whole thing with love, like you meet your soulmate but you walk right past um cuz your too busy to even realize??? are they gone forever? I good point was brought to my attention while i was in AC. They were talking about how people dont get to experience things. Maybe i experienced everything so much sooner, and i know who my soulmate is i dont need to test the theory or do crazy things... maybe i just am crazy......... I don't understand maybe thats the problem with my life, im always looking for answers, like i can't just live. i am alawys searching for signs and answers and then doubting my heart and everything but come on look what happens when you let your heart win, you fall for someone, who is with someone else. I am begining to think i am just mentally insane, i over think things, im stupidly blonde and i have add. I mean as im typing i think about my dreams and how i wanna be a singer, the singer i know i can be, but im not as fortunate, i know i dont have the balls to sit up there and sing and be judged and whatever, i dont like being judged...... ahhh!! i was soo content with myself up to this weekend when i realized i really am a COW, now im not even like self confident, my confidence is like shattered, and its one hell of a thing to build back up but i really don know what im supposed to do about all of this... i jsut feel so weird. Even after losing everything, and gaining something...i still feel soo ... empty. People really do spend half their times searchin for love, i think if i found love, i would be complete and this empty feeling would subside and i would be able to smile and truly mean it, and feel special for who i am and be able to love myself entirly.... i mean i am independent i like standing by myself, taking care of myself, but sometimes i really just wanna know someone loves me, that someone cares, that someone would go anywhere to be with me, stand up against time.. and i just wish i could feel like i was actually worth something. i can't take this feeling of being unworthy and not good enough ugly and fat and just horrible. it's a little voice that is just in my head and i can't get rid of it .. coach told me about it but i jsut thought he aws crazy but its their.. the voice that says i can't do these things, that stops me from even trying to do anything at all.. its a horrible thing... i just cant drown it out anymore, i mean i really need too... like i barely hear it anymore, but when i stop and pay attention to it.. it might just be right.... there realy may be no one there...... i realy may have nothing... as i said and as i know.. you always end up alone, theres nothing you can really do about it..... you die alone, and who knows what the hell happens to you after death...... which leads me to just another point..... death.... you die.. so why try.. why build up everything so high jsut to watch it fall/?!? grrrr.... death.... also.. i realized that the person i missed for all my life.. doesn't love me, she never did.. if she did she wouldn't leave me here without answers.. honestly, she wouldn't have left me here to deal with all this crazy shit on my own.... how can i smile when i know she NEVER will.. or if she is, i will not see it, or i might see it.. i DOn't know.. i think the thing that bothers me the most is.. i do not know anything!!.. .... i'm stupid... we are all stupid.... of course im dumber but really..... honestly i just don't know... and i think not knowing is just the craziest most painful thing... I wanna know what happens when you die. I wanna know how somebody feels about me. i wanna know why people try so hard when they know they are just gonna die anyway. i wanna know why people have to fight and claim territories and why you can just step where you wanna step.. i wanna know why you dream and what the hell dreams realy are, i wanna know why people have to die. i wanna know why people had to create money and make others poor and why we couldn't just share anything. i wanna know why i think the way i do. why i think humans are so immoral when I, myself am one. and then again i can't even feel guilty becuz if i even tried to kill myself to get out of this crazy place others would still be the same, and we need people who care, like me, in this world or there would be nothing. i wish i could stress my ideas, i wish i had confidence, i wish i could read thoughts... why can't i read thoughts? why can't i have magic powers... why cant i dress how i wanna dress, why cant i be fat and be beautiful? why can't i drink alchohol, why are dogs and cats so differnt but can get along but humans barely can, why do animals have to eat other animals in order to survive? WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS THAT I CAN NEVER ANWSER?? somebody tell me, why am i thinking sooo strange, do other people have these strange thoughts and question everything they do every single day.... any single thought... i dont understand anything.. i realy don't know anything... i am soo happy dont get me wrong i love my life.. its almost perfect.. i wouldnt change it for the world, i experience crazy shit, and i am grateful for the life lessons i recieve but , i jsut need anwsers, and i can never find these anwsers there is no place to look, if there was i would be there looking.. i just need answers..... but i can't have them..... why am i so questionative? why do i keep saying why..... i really don't know anything... i feel soo clueless, unconfident, ugly and alone. until next time. |
