easy access into my heart

yeaahhh right!!! i dont think you can handle this. seriously. its risky business. i know its not the norm for others to display their lonely hearts and let it be known that infactuation, lust, curiosity.. whatever it may be, tends to make a person guide with their hearts and forget about keeping their guard up. here's a side of me using my left side. oh mans! who knew half of my quote... 'use your heart to guide you' is located on my left torso side and coincidently, our hearts lay more to our left sides (on our chest) puahahhaa.. random. ahhh anywho, its still pretty rough but yeah, i felt the need to recap on a personal experience which meant something to me. i use to write on a regular basis as a means of reflection and healing but with school getting all hectic, i realize that i dont write anymore. so, i thought it would be nice to get all nostalgic and what not........ here it is:




ahem*




its so silly of me to want so much out of you. we've only spoken briefly but i cant help but replay each short encounter as a charming saga reflected in the skies for all to see. i can still remember the taste of autumn's unexpected rain on my lips. the sound of bustling bikes, the rumbling heavens delicately showering the ground and, from the ground, then seeping into the depths of drains, niches, and hungry soil. as i stood patiently in the midst of departing buses--the rain, the cold, the early evening darkness, and the silence of just my own breath--i looked up and there you were. you were actually, literally, and really walking my way; both hands tucked in the pockets of your brown hoodie sweater, eyes gleamed straight ahead, and your stance but most of all your walk, was so full of grace--i could see your strength, your independence, but also, i somehow could see sincerity within you. my mind and body froze up for a second but with each inching step you took, i regained composure. without hesitation, i stopped you with what seemed to be a subtle yet welcoming line. my heart was racing and my spirit was as giddy as a little girl in a candy store. as we introduced ourselves, i was completely mesmerized by your striking green eyes. your soothing voice massaged all my worries away and brought me back to a feeling of tranquility and peace. i must admit, i had noticed you days before but never worked up enough courage to speak to you so, here was my chance). i cherished every word uttered from your lips but when it was my turn to speak, i was praying that i wouldnt slur my words. i was excited yet nervous. so, to some extent, i was searching for the perfect things to say which would then provoke impressiveness upon my part. (but all i could come of with was "better be safe than sorry" and even that wasnt enough because you definitely had a stronger come back to that. i dont remember your exact words but i do remember the HERES-ANOTHER-WAY-OF-LOOKING-AT-THINGS grin you gave me.)

after our first real and formal encounter, i fantasized about your kiss's taste and the comfort of your embracing arms. to those looking at my situation from the outside in, they are compelled to label my attraction to you as lustful physicalities. however, your exterior was just a small factor. this may sound bazaar but truly, it was your aura that pulled me in. something about your company...and your presence in a room; i could sense emotional intelligence, insight, and mystery. you allured me with your amazing ambience that i just had to, but mostly wanted to, get to know you better. i wanted to get into your mind. i wanted to read your previously written chapters of life. i wanted to grasp onto all your strengths as well as all your weaknesses. i wanted to be the edification in your life. its insane, irrational, silly, crazy, and ridiculous but i will not deny the fact that your amazing presence, instantly made me want more. i jumped to conclusions thinking that this could be a beautiful romance between you and i--but it was all in my head. its inexplicable and i dont have a sound argument for you to examine and pick on. all i can give you is my honesty. and honestly, looking into your eyes, listening to your voice echo, and standing before you or sitting next to you, i could just sense your wandering soul... your lonely heart just looking for a complement to complete your very existence.

correct me if im wrong but, were you not waiting or either searching for it? were you not emotionally ready to give it all you've got? and were you not hoping to find someone who would engage you with new thoughts and perspectives? certainly, if i am off, then i must have been reading you wrong. but definitely, thats what i was looking forward to. i wanted more than superficial love. i wanted a great friendship, a kind partner, and an enduring relationship. no games. no gimmicks. and now, i'm left alone because my efforts have gone noticed yet forgotten so, to even try to get to know you as a person and a friend is a lost cause. oddly, i miss you and i dont even know you.


"i can take your words but i cant take your silence. "


xoxo
waiting patiently for your reply




[i hope the guy i wrote about doesnt read this cause that would be WEIRD!]

I    the band MAE.

*New Years Resolution for 2005: every night, im praying for a different person--a family member, a friend, a classmate, etc... Im putting you before me and praying for the best.

*I was let down right before the year ended. Now, Im pulling through with high hopes. If I get what Im wishing and waiting for then, cool. If not, then I just cant do much about it. I was as honest as I could be. I put myself out there and was anticipating the good AND the bad. If I get the bad, oh wells. I'll live. I've always made it through all the bad so, whatever.

I want to turn heads...and I want to turn hearts.

Let it not be love at first sight.

Let it not be perfection found on the first try.

Instead, let it be a growing infactuation.

Let it be a growing love that ascends for years to come.

xoxo

Lynnie

dammit. so i went to this chill back last nite with the girls; hayley, kelly, jen, kristen, and johanna. met up with adam and his boys. they were playin beer pong and doin it up with the herbal essence... and DAMMMMMN. i saw i fine piece of ass!!!! thas my chocolate right there!! hahha he was hella tall and slender; made me think of an abercrombie model. he had curlie hair..sortah afro-y. and he had the nicest eyes..very reminiscent of snoop dog but prettier. but then, after lookin at him so long, i realized he looked sortah like sumone from the past. dammmn.. and im not diggin his name. seems like every guy i've met at davis has THAT name. FUCK. it just kills the mood yah know?