so my family is going through a lot of changes by the end of this summer...brother is going to austin and the parents are having their dream lakehouse being built. this means that by mid-fall, we may be all going our seperate ways.

this also means that all summer long they'll have to be massive clean-ups/pack ups at my house....meaning LOTS of memory sifting as we decide what to keep and what to throw away. this usually is quite difficult for me to do, to go through so many emotions and memories...for me to have to come to grasp that so much time has passed. it's always been a personal thing, dealing with the old friendships i've drifted away from that i wish i hadn't.

i've actually had quite a hard time with this lately, the losing touch with your old friends thing. pretty disappointed in myself when i come to realize that i suck at keeping in touch now! i've always been great at it when i was younger, the whole treasure-your-friends thing, figuring it takes effort to keep in touch sometimes, but some people are worth it. and actually, this has been plaguing me for weeks now. there are so many people i'd like back in my life, but so little time for it, and how do you decide who is "worth" your time? i keep feeling lately, like time is running out...

anyway, as i was cleaning today, i came across some of my parent's stuff...old stuff. i flipped through old job applications (secretary at nasa for my mom?), work certificates, notes in vietnamese i didn't understand. papers with my dad's drivers liscense,and then a came to a few old folded pieces of paper--my dad's handwriting. notes he wrote, trying to learn english. english verbs, everything from "to hit" to "to take a bite out of" and their vietnamese translations. pages and pages of my daddy learning english. he probably copied out of a book, trying to learn. and then i found a letter he wrote, dated in July 1975. The top said "I'm sorry, can't write english" and a two page letter goes on in vietnamese. the letter ended with a p.s. in english, probably with the help of someone as well.

and some how, seeing all that touched my heart. how much time has passed since my parents have been here. their struggle...my mother considering a 15,000 dollar a year job as a secretary. my dad, trying to learn as much english as fast as he could. it's been over 30 years since they've been here. a part of me wants to show them all this stuff, to show them how far they've come...but a part of me doesn't. i don't want them to realize how much time has passed, meaning how much they've aged.

and all of the sudden, reconciling with old friends didn't matter so much anymore. it didnt matter so much making up that lost time with them. all the time i'm going to spend w/them, i could be with my family. finding those things made me realize time goes by wayyy too fast. if im this upset over losing touch with my friends, do i want to do that with my family? you can't ever make enough of that time up. i live at home, and i hardly speak, much less see my parents. and that's just sad.


which brings me to this coming mid-fall. what to do? we've got a new lakehouse being built. do i move with them, like they want? or do i use this as my chance to finally get out on my own? i'm daddy's girl, he wants me to stay. the schools i want to teach at are all down here. my family is here and have a bedroom especially for me. but it's so much further down 45, further from my friends and my boyfriend...and further from getting out on my own and learning responsibility. it's about damn time. but that's about where my list ends with leaving the family...

living w/them at the lakehouse, it'd be closer to my career and my family...and it's so much more economical. i'd save money, time, gas, sure...but the point is, after seeing what they've been through and how much they've aged, and with my brother leaving them, i can't stand ditching them too. i mean, i'm not home a lot now, but with 2 kids, if i'm not there to help my parents w/something, my brother is. now that he'll be gone, who will help my dad mow our nearly acre of lawn? who will run to the store for my mom when she has a headache?


sigh. time freakin flies. make sure you spend it with those who matter. there are a few friends that matter...but few friends matter more than family. i think everyone should set aside at least one day a week with their family if they live in the same city.

it's funny, there was a time when i wanted to get out of here so bad. i thought i'd be out the day i turned 18. but as i rebelled more and more and wore my parents down, i realized i didn't have such a bad thing. sure, i can't have parties at all odd hours at night at my place, but i CAN go to someone elses. (and my place won''t be trashed . i'm hardly home, i had work and school and my social life...and was only home when i slept anyway. my parents worried but weren't strict and didn't keep me from anything i wanted to do. i did what i wanted and didn't pay rent. (you'd think i'd save more money than this though...haha) It wasn't that i couldn't afford to move out, it was just, why? why throw money away, why pay to be distant from your family, probably the people that care about you MOST in this world besides maybe your significant other, which at the most would care about you equally?


ok, it's late and i'm rambling. i haven't written to vent in like a year it feels like, when i used to write everyday. ah, feels good though. i'm not anymore less confused than i was...but i feel a little better.