i suppose it has been extensive the damage that so many pin to my charge. i said this and did that. i told mr so and so this and that. well sufficed to say i do not talk to people that i know behold the power to make such and such happen (i love my vague phrases). i must inform all of those who so desperately claim that i am the enemy and the "rat," to so lightly put it, that it is not i who plays the role of the underground mole with ties to incriminating evidence, but all of you yourselves who so freely and carelessly incriminate. if people know it is by no means worth the energy to cover anything up, how they know is beyond me but they do however know and if you must find SOMEONE to blame for these horrible occurances in which destroy your very existence then please do, but realize that that someone isn't ME but YOURSELVES. so there..

oh and beth i loooooove you toooooo

oh man things are crazy...turns out brian and lisa more commonly known as not too recently as "mommy and daddy" but no longer i fear will be comming back...now i realize tis not something i so desperately yearn for.....aaaaaand STEPHANY, AMANDA, AND TARA MAKE ME.....just a *little* angry....    

hiyaaaaah im so going insane awe-sooome freakin beth that little person who is in my head....although not in the sense of that one obsessive person what was her name....oh yeah TARA.....grrrr meets argh!!!! oh monkey potatoes i gots to go!!! byeeeeeeeeee

Currently Playing Jesus Freak By dc Talk In the Light see related

i always thought that when you died life was over. but to me life was over when you stopped having faith, laughing, and loving. time just like food money, the days, was limited. there was no gurantee of the next hour. what then does one do with the minutes they hold? i thought back to a time when nothing mattered, i could talk to anyone and everyone and it was ok...what happened?

i am beginning to lose track of me. i dont know how i feel. i wonder...do i miss them? do they think of me as i do them??? do i know them anymore? there was a large part of me that didnt care to know. i feel like i am forgetting to feel. i just realized my position, position in all that i am. its non expressable. i couldnt stand it. nothing was right. everything was out of place uncomfortable akward and nonresponsive. i know this feeling but tis futile attempts to concentrate on the time when this was applied but i felt it now and i knew it.there was a part of me that disliked this feeling and yet another part of me that subconciously prepared myself for something i knew to come. what if i lose my patience??? then i shall not make it happen but wait for the lord to bring it to pass...

i need closure. everyone tells me to just let go, but then i should be prompted to ask you, culd you just let YOUR parents go????these sleepless nights and dreams i can no longer make sense of rule my mind and prevent me foem staying in reality and living the way i used to. i suppose it isnt horrible. there must be a time for everyone when life is life and not a fantasy that one at twelve imagines and is relentless in living up to those expectations as they dont realize they are simply arguing for their own limitations.

i suppose loss pain and angst are all emotions and feelings, stages of life one must endure at one point of another to bring them to terms with truth love and purpose. i find myself pondering often how i wished things werer of circumstances i hoped were to come, but there was a large part of me that when really thought about the situation was closer and closer to settling into to acceptance keeping memories in my heart. i found letting go so heart wrenching. something that is strong enought to consume ones heart with no remorse and yet at the same time so rewarding. for when you are able to let go and art which none are able to master then there is a strange sense of liberation and fufillment. you are freed from the bonds of dwelling and sorrow and able to let your heart not be empty but hold a place there and when the time is right then to your heart it shall return.i heard it said on many occasions if you love something let it go and if it comes back it syours and if it doesnt it wasnt meant to be. some people simply cannot grasp this concept or aprehend the ability of acceptance but in time it will come to be foe this is a part of life as is hurting others human nature

sometimes i feel i speak aa different language. people hear what i am saying and take it for face value. no one really listens. no one takes the time to really read into all i have to say. people see me as lonely...hardly.i wonder how i was able to pick him out amongst alll that surrounded and in the silence of my heart they still heard me completely. i just threw away all the shy and quiet and sat next to them and just watch. sometimes i guess one just knows. they know that someone is there for a reason to serve some purpose. on a mission much larger than viewable to humans. what you become who you are your heart these are all defined by your desires which dictate what you say as wall as your actions.sometimes you lock eyes with someone and something within you tells you this is much more then a passing stranger. much mooore then someone you will simply forget and allow to fade into the caves of your memory. it could be the look of acceptance on their face of the supporting hand they lend to you when you reach out for help to stand from your seat that makes you realize that this person is going to affect you in some profound way. from then on you can only imagine the possibilities.then one day you are sudden ly weeded from your garden of roses that you didnt hate because there were thorns among roses but that you loved because there were roses among thorns. in the moment of despair patience is  no option. then you really think and see that the important thing to remember is to know someone here or there with whom you can feel there is understanding in spite of distances or thoughts unexpressed that can make this life a garden.

i pray. i pray like i am being beaten continually each night with out death and it just starts all over again everyday and then my tears stop and my heartache flounders and suddenly i am given a peace beyond all understanding and then i fade into a deep deep sleep

Currently Playing Intermission: The Greatest Hits By dc Talk what if i stumble see related

it didnt make any sense none of it i tried to fool myself and others into believing that i had stopped trying to make sense of things but i was living a lie!! the truth was i tried ever so desperately to untangle this large ball of yarn issue...why is it whenever i am trying to finally fall out of my reclusiveness who ever i trust disappears??? was it because it wasnt the people i should have been opening up to, maybe my father needs someone to blame for all of his mistakes....maybe i was just more dependent on the people there instead of the reason i was really suppost to be there...well it is possible. but why did michael have to bardge into my live like he did??? why did pheonix kill herself??? why did i see brian that day and yet to him i was invisible??? why does my father hate me now and want nothing to do with me and yet plans on having another child. is this simply his way of hiding from the fact that everything he has ever known and done was wrong???

i started thinking that maybe it was for the best not having some new akward beginning of which nothing would be the same with brian and lisa. then i slowly realized that in order for me to simply be content witht athat circumstance that i needed to look at then as anyone but my "mommy and daddy" then it all came together in the middle of a taco bell as if some "divine revelation" that if i wantedt o no longer consider them the parents that i wish i had, knew, and loved then i HAD to have that akward new beginning. but as long as i stay away form them i will have no choice but to remember things the way they were and in this manner continually until circumstances led otherwise...still in the midst of my thinking i figured that there was nothing wrong with seeing as the mom and dad that i will never have but will eternally be there.

i spend so much time trying to make other people happy. if i feel i fufull that then its less difficult for me to say goodbye. but when i feel ive failed taht i am relentless in trying to keep that person around. simple conversations seem so impossible to muster when i can do nothing but focus on the bliss of others...

i went...i was astranged. i walked in and they were humming. at this point it wasnt too clear who "they" was. i heard a collection of voices singing song i had not before heard. they were in a foriegn language so to me these songs were just a series of sounds. i stood in line and time stood still. i thought that losing paul, amy, brian, and lisa was the end of the world. but when pheonix jumped off the freeway and killed herself the world stopped. or at least, it should have. it was strange how when you find yourself in circumstances, how everything revolves around htem. the rest of the world disappears. i walked up to the large wooden box covered in white cloth and pastel colored daisies and i suddenly felt angry not just at her but at my self, and guilty for i should have been there to catch her. i slowly leaned in with my arm linked to my mothers. my mother walked up and touched her but i just couldnt bring myself to do it. i know what i would feel; emptiness lifelessness and cold. there seemed to be that same sense of emptiness a deathly chill lingering in the air. the kind that hovered over me with an evil laugh as i ran to escape the moment but no matter how hard i tried it would ceaselessly surround me.

i couldnt understand it i closed my eyes and i felt it i opened them in the dimly lit red room and i saw it i held my breath and i could hear it faintly whispering in my ear yet no matter how much i thought about it i couldnt understand it. there was a sore lump rising up in my throat and a warmness in my eyes. i could feel the the blood rushing to my face and my hear begin to pulsate. tears fromed behind my eyes. there was a part of methat yearned ot refrain from letting them loose but with the sniffing behind me and the sobs to my left i felt liberated in a way that even if i did let my heart bleed through it would be ok. i didnt cry. i felt guilty. i thought i should have been crying for i had eery reason to, yet i simply couldnt. had i been to previously ceared to feel the final stab???

i would only allow myself to ponder anything but what had suddenly become a reality for me. death never seemed real but now i was left picturing all of my loved ones, how empty their faces would loo. and worse when death consumed me, what would my appearance be?i would be some lifeless stoic drone.for some reason i stared down at her all of our memories came together and i expected her to move. to rise and say, "just kidding" she never moved. taht was just like her to lead you to believe one thing then do the complete opposite. she always smiled. when i died, i wouldnt move either. i puzzled and brought on confusion when i realized i would not be smiling or trembling or refraing from tears. the blood rushing through my veins as people stared down at me with sad faces and tears, something i was so accustomed to but despised, would be nonexistent. i had gone home but everything was so...normal. nothing that day had been normal. why should "home" be the exception???

i always thought that when you died life was over. but to me life was over when you stopped laughing. time, jsut like food, money, and the days, was limited. there was no gurantee of the next hour. what then does one do with th minutes they hold? i thought back to a time when nothing mattered, i could go to sleep and wake up the next day and everything was awesome. now i go to sleep wondering if i WOULD wake up the next day.

i am beginning to lose track of me i dont know how i feel. i wonder do i miss them? do they think of me or miss me? do i even know them anymore? there was a large part of me tha did not care or wish to know. i feel i am forgetting how to feel  i just realized my position. my position in all that i am. and that is..what i am! i cant stand it. nothing is right. everything is so out of place uncomfortable akward and nonexpressable. everyone is so nonresponsive. i knew this feeling well but i couldnt concentrate on the time when this was applied but i felt i now. there was a part of me that disliked this feeling and yet another part of me that subconciously prepared myself for something i knew to come

i read all of my old entries. i was so shallow. not to say taht much has changed but so it is taht others say. you know....? because i dont anymore!!