s e x & d y i n g i n h i g h s o c i e t y
im going to rome at christmas. i found out on tuesday. should be nice. i hear italy's nice. especially that time of year.
i put my name forward to be geography social secretary as well. i hope i get it. i think it'll make me feel like i should get involved with the department. work's going okay. it's hard. long hours. too early to say if ive got it under control. im not panicking yet anyway. i guess i just have to spend less time on here and more time in the real world. which im doing a pretty good job of right now i think. im going to see tony hoare this week though about the way the departments run. theres few things that are bothering me. and others. but no one does anything about it. i feel like i can make a difference. i often feel like that. i think thats a good thing.
i have a job. i just realised i havent mentioned it before. me and will flyer a few times a week for a bar called Mbargo's on the triangle. £5.50 an hour. and you can pretty much choose your shifts. laid back environment. low stress. just what i need. we have fun doing it too. we make up games to pass the time. "right. next two minutes. bonus round. two points to anyone wearing shorts!!" i like it when the two of us spend time together. it doesnt happen to much anymore because of caroline.
me and martin got offered that Baroque slot to play on monday nights too. but they wanted us to do it for five hours. and we dont have the voices or enough material to do it for that long. but its one of my ambitions this term. so its gonna happen. we'll just have to practise more. and warm up at open mic nights at goldney and stuff i guess.
i went to a careers fair on wednesday. but as i walked in, with my bag slung over my shoulders. jeans around my knees, etc, i realised i had no idea what i was doing there. i felt really uncomfortable. i realised im putting off growing up so much. and the last thing i want to do is explore what i want to do for the rest of my life. my adult life. fuck that. i say. as my voice trembles due to an awful realisation.
i accompanied will to an Ashurst open evening. some big shot law firm from the city. i just went for the open bar and buffet! but it opened my eyes. i went by the name of josh for the evening. i have no idea why. i knew i had to pretend to be interested in working for them as a solicitor. but i guess i figured it would be funny to change my name too. plus i like that name. there was kinda a work experience program they offer at easter for three weeks in london, which you have to apply for in december. and its designed for non-law students - who intend to do the conversion course after their degree. i actually might do it. well apply for it anyway. my parents said it would be cool too. some good work experience, stay in london, get paid too, and go to paris & brussels, and drink alot. corporate life. sounds almost as attractive as staying eighteen forever. not quite. but they try. will found me at about nine o clock. in depth one on one conversation with the managing director. laughing together as if we were old school friends. ofcourse i was drunk. off their alcohol. im very good socially will said. i have the ability to talk to just about anyone for any period of time. and for them to like me. and that is one of my many strengths. it will get me far in life. apparantly. i hope. we had a piss in an alley on the way home though. just to remind us of who we really are.
nick stared at the bottle of Innocent smoothie he was drinking out front of geography on thursday morning. "i fucked the son of the guy who owns this" he said. i let out a little laugh. knowing that it didnt have any impact on me. and likewise with him. im staying at his on friday in london with martin. weve got a box at arsenal spurs i think. things that used to excite me or shock me ive come to take for the norm.
it was marvins birthday on friday. i only found out on thursday. i was really tired by the time we got to wagamama's though. i didnt eat. again. started feeling shit. nick was moaning about his sister and me. which i thought was funny as the messages coming through on my cell were from her. i left early. blamed it on my shoulder. or hip. i cant remember which. i trawled down the road to the house. to my room. took a handful of pills. vodka. changed my shirt. some coke. half a tab of lights on the way to the club. i felt better. thats the point. but its getting out of hand. i can sit there and all thats drumming through my head is what can i take to make it through the day. who wants flowers when youre dead clay? thats from the book ca k? K
wedgies was better than usual. i had a lot of banter with a lot of people. saw natasha. she said i looked well. its weird. people keep saying that to me. but i dont feel better. i think i just make more of an effort to please people this term. i was gonna call her today but i deleted her number last term. i met a really nice girl too called hannah. im not getting my hopes up though. i know what girls are like. maybe this time will be different. but i say that every time.
mom and viv came up on saturday. i thought they were in.. im not sure where. but away. kits in berlin. but they made up my room. made it homely. and i love it. and we went to ikea and bought some nice stuff like fairy lights, and lamps,and throws, and pillows, and candles. and its all pretty. and i like my room now. feel more settled. and i knew it would be like that :]
i had to miss hockey today. im feeling unwell. so playing in the wind and rain all day wouldnt have done me much good. the rest of the house came in at five and then we had a big dinner party for twelve at about nine. KP came. i recognised her from a night out last week. she likes the postal service. everyone was really tired after. and i thought about the week. and the week ahead. and about stuff. as i layed in will's arms. thugs need hugs.
what does it take to get a drink in this place? what does it take? how long must i wait?
i have internet in my house now. and i have a calender diary. in an attempt to sort my life out. its working. in some aspects [the important ones?]
i finished reading less than zero this week. a lot of paralells with the narrator and myself. a terrifying amount actually. it helped me understand the way im thinking right now. maybe anyway. i think everyone should read it. and think of me. or yourself. that would probably help more.
some of them would mouth the words to the song that was being played. but i'd concentrate on the teenagers who didnt mouth the words; the teenagers who had forgotten them; the teenagers who maybe never knew them.
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