| well, i guess it has been a long while since ive written into this site. which in and of itself is odd, as i have a propensity to randomly rant about things, usually of no concern to me. but i guess that is the plague of e-mail. so my desire to rant is fulfilled by hapless other people who write to me with a "how are you doing?" and they get a full manuscript in return.
i sould also like to add, that it seems that i write when i am not in a very pleasant mood. more or less a sort of release of pent up rage/frustrations/ and other such negative things. so i guess this web-diary, probably reflects very negatively on my whole aura. but i assure you that i am a very lithe and happy person a good 95-98% of the time. i guess if you dont beleive me you can talk to people who tlak to me, or somethign to that extent.
so... onto matters at hand. as you can see, its been a while. and the time period between that writing and this writing has been pretty blissful. i had a most excellent summer. took the summer school at ASU where i am currently studying to be an electircal engineer, although ive been told that i neither look nor act liek an engineer, so i guess this is a good thing, perhaps actually having verbal skills will help me get a job. becasue up until now i have yet to work a day of my life! scholarships are wonderful things. for one class the professor was retiring that semester so he was popping ou A's like no tomorrow.but i am pretty sure i knwo nothign about linear algebra, but i assume that that will have no effect ont eh future.
i also took a art history class, which was a slight dissapointment. well here is what im thinking. im an engineering major.... and to tell the truth the vast majority of women that i have met that are also engineering majors scare the crap outa me. and i am about to go knee deep into the engineering college, which means that who know when the next time i see a female that does not scare me once i am in. so i think art of asia, eh there are bound to be some attractive girls there, and i have ot finish a fine art credit. man was i wrong. the only attractive girl was there with her mother! mother! bleh, well i guess some dreams of mine were shattered that day.
but onto more happy subjects. i went to ny for a month afterwards. look you are getting a total catch up. for thsoe who dont care. eh. fast forward to ending paragraphs. new york was most excellent. i got to see friends tha ti havent seen for a loooooong time. like 5 years. so there was much bonding. and i went to buddah camp, and i must say buddah is freakign awsome. it is even funner to say the jesus. so buddah camp + running around NYC = fun stuff. that and i met some awsome people. and well i have 100+ pictures to remember. and if each one is worth a thousand words, well then we are talkign about master's disertations sizes here. so i wont even try to describe it. but it was very therapeutic.
then came a month of randomness. bonding wiht the bastards that are better than me and goign out of state. so that was the summation of general happiness.
then came random bad things. it i shard to describe the feelign but it is liek this. i wake up thinkign i have school next week.... father barges in, says your granfather is dieing... we are leaving this evening. [right about here i am hit by the train] hours later i regain general conciousness. and i am on a plane, fall asleep and i am in taiwan [surealness too large to comprehend here]. so i see all my reletives, and i see my granfather with tubes everywhere. and well i think i break down inside. i mena this man was perfectly healthy not a year ago. makes you remember jsut how weak the human body can be. and then it is monday and i am supposed to start class? four days, that feel like a dream have negated alot of happiness for me. and im thinking, why do bad thigns happen at such inopportune times. and general pissiness moves in. so i am in AZ takign care of my sister while my parents are in taiwan, communting between here adn home. and the stings of my soul are very strained. i think if i had family and friends to rely on at the time i woudl not have been so stressed, but school and the lack of family generally broke me. at which point i am emptionally reachign out to almsot everythign at once, and getting no replies. for those of you i have tlaked to lately thank you, i think the is the compilation of my problem. haha. so i get pissed becasue i feel that there are no people left with moral value, and move into an existential state where i see only the bad of the world, whihc usually doesnt help with the whole general depressive stint. so more or less the slight depression was somethign that fed upon itself, adn grew. but somehow i feel good right now.... and im nto sure how, the dark cloud seemed to have lifted as oddly as it came. haha it actually started int eh shower, last night was thining night for me. and well for some reason shower = thinkign for me, dont ask me why but i guess im odd like that. and i guess i jsut ahvent had much time to think formyself, so that was nice. and then i come bac to my dorm and i think man i have a physics lab due tomorrow. and i start workign on that, and somehow one of my old friends who is now in england comes online. and we tlka for an hour this is at 1 am mind you. and i realize that nothign really matters. except your friends. and yes the world is crap, but within this crap there are still good people. and as long as we look to them, well the the rest can be crap, and we can move on. i guess thats jsut it, arnt you glad thi ended happily?
Pao |
