I read so many peoples blogs and I am always impressed about you deep people can be.  Sometimes I lack the deepness.  I am constantly pushing myself to be better, to do things with excellence, to be detailed orientated but many times I forget the true reason to why God has called me into youth ministry.  It's not about impressing your boss.  Not saying that isn't important because it is but sometimes I loss focus, the only one I need to impress is the Lord.  Okay that sounds great on paper but it is so difficult to do at times.  I suffer from people-pleaser itis.  I have suffered from it for sometime now.  Grrrr.    I loss focus so many times of the ultimate goal and that is to make a difference in people's lives through Jesus.  I get caught up in the yuckiness of ministry, I guess you can say in the drama of ministry, church politics drive me crazy!!!!!!   

 I always feel like I have something to prove to the world, that I am capable of my job and that I am not like my parents.  I dislike the excuse of "you do the best you can".  That is such a load of crap!!!  It's a copout for saying you don't measure up to my expectations.  I have been learning a lot about myself lately.  I only allow people to get so close to me and then when they get too close...I shut them out.  I want you in my life but don't get too close because if you do, you will see something in me that will cause you to leave or abandon me.  Unfortunately, it's happened too often in my life.  I allowed someone into the inner circle of my life and then they find the yucky crappy stuff and they turn around and run the other direction.  I am then stuck feeling abandoned, vulnerable and stupid. I know it's a process and all but I get so frustrated with myself sometimes......How can I live up to other's expectations when I can't even live up to mine.   I am my own worst enemy at times!  

Happy Monday morning!

It's Monday and I am having one of those Blah Mondays.  I am really tired today and I feel completely unmotivated to do anything productive except sit around and watch TV and play video games.  I had a pretty busy weekend so I think I am just feeling the effects of it.  Saturday was our final meet for JBQ before state finals.  My team did extremely good this year.  We ended up in second place with a 27-5 record.  I had 3 quizzers in the top ten and we received an award for Most-Christlike as a team.  I also had a quizzer who received an award for the most christlike individual. 

 So after a very successful Saturday, I had a blunder yesterday.  We had an open house for the condo that we are trying to sell.  We had to rush home from church and put the finishing touches on the condo before our realtor got here.  It was so stressful.  We packed up the pets and headed over to Paul and Lisa's house while the open house was going on.  We got home a little after 4:45 p.m. and I had to leave again at 5:30 for prayer.  I went and laid down to take a short nap and found out 2 hours later that I completely overslept and missed prayer.  That is usually how it is...I achieve at something and then shortly after fail miserably.  I hate it when I screw up.  I feel like the biggest idiot and can't believe that I made a mistake that I have made before.  It is the worst feeling in the world to have to call your superior and explain why once again you screwed up.  I guess I sound pretty pesstimistic today but that's honestly how I feel.  I need to take a shower, run some errands and then drag myself to class even though I don't want to drive into Kent for only one class.  I'll get over it.  Have a great day!

Today is a typical day in Northeast Ohio, cold and snowy...pretty normal for this time of the year...no complaints really.  I decided to go to McDonalds before I went to school. I got an English EggMcMuffin and a large OJ.  I was really excited about my Orange juice. I got to my math class and look behind me and there is Rebecca Pittman...I was so excited!  I moved to be sitting in front of her.  I turned around to say hi and when I turned back around, I knocked my Orange Juice clear off the desk and onto the floor!  I could not believe it!  It ended up taking two trips to the bathroom to get enough paper towels to clean it up.  Great way to make a first impression on my professor.  I have a 3 hour break in my day.  There was no way to avoid it...my classes are so spread out this semester.   So basically I need to learn how to use this time so that I don't completely go crazy. 

On a completely different subject, Keith and I are leaving for our cruise on Friday...I am so excited. It looks like its going to be great weather next week in the Eastern Carribean!

I also wanted to tell you all that Keith and I are buying the house on Clubview that I was telling you about.  We went and signed the papers last night and I guess we are in the "closing" part of the deal.  We have to get our financing all figured out, it should be no problem.  After we get back from our cruise, we have to have the house inspected and then transfer the title and deed.  We should be moving in around the beginning of March.  It's an awesome house!  I want to get back in there and take pictures of the inside to be able to show people.   I guess that is all for now.  Talk to you later!

Dear World,

My life has changed quite a bit since my previous post.  I just finished my fall semester at Kent State. Only two more to go, pretty exciting.  God has brought some amazing people into my life this year.  These girls are God's gift to me, they have kept me going this semester and helped me through those blah periods that you go through every semester.  They are Dana and Tiffany Martin.  I met them in my Adult Development and Aging class last Spring.  Dana and I had 3 classes  together this semester.  It was so awesome to walk into class and have someone there that you know and you can talk to, especially with being at such a big school as Kent State.  Ministry has had it's challenges but I really think that it's helping me to be a better pastor in the long run. 

On November 29th, my grandpa passed away.  I wasn't really expecting it so it came as a shock.  Both my grandparents are gone now, two people who were a vital part of my life and two of the strongest pillars in my life.  Honestly, I am tired of dealing with death.  Since 2004, I have said goodbye to too many precious people in my life.  Phil, my Aunt Colleen, Keith's Uncle Ted, Grandma Rhodes, and now Grandpa Rhodes.  But despite the sadness, I am happy to say that my Grandpa accepted the Lord in the last months of his life and he is in heaven!  If anyone knew my grandma, she prayed for my grandpa's salvation for much of her life.  And to see her prayers answered is a good thing for me, because faith in healing has been a struggle for me since Phil got cancer.  You pray so hard for a person to be healed, you hear of all these people praying for a miracle, and then when Phil died it was like why pray hard for a miracle.  And then when I met Keith's Uncle Ted, it was the same thing.  So many people prayed for Uncle Ted's healing and then he passed away.  Frustrating.  Both were amazing men of God that did so much good for so many people and they are the ones that got chosen to go through such an awful struggle and ended up losing their lives.  My brain knows all the right theological answers because I am supposed to but sometimes it's hard to convience my heart that they are the correct answers. 

Well that is all the profound thoughts that I have for today.  It's snowing outside and it's a perfect evening to do nothing, so I am going to enjoy it! 

 

I am really tired today.  It's 4:00 in the afternoon and I feel like it should be midnight.  Yesterday was exhausting day for me, Sunday always is even though I am able to get a nap most Sundays.  I don't even preach on Sunday mornings but I am still exhausted.  Today was school, 3 classes, 3 classes that did not show me in attendance today.  Yesterday marked my two year mark at Sharon Center.  Our first JBQ meet is this Saturday, the kids should do good, they have been working hard.  I got to watch Joe Tousley play Soccer on Saturday, I really felt like I was doing my job....whatever that may be.  My life always seems to be transition.  I am finding that old relationships are fading into the past....and I don't know how I feel about that....sort of sad....it sort of brings an ache to my heart...for whatever reason these people are fading....it doesn't help the sting of the event.  That is life I guess, always changing.  I guess I should go.  Have a great day everyone!