You are about to read the story of one of the most bizarre/hilarious things that has ever happened to me. I sent the below e-mail about it to Mr. Raboin, Joey’s Dad, about two weeks ago. It all started with the fox that I shot while hunting on his land in Missouri over Christmas…
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From: Paul Downer
Sent: Wednesday, June 21, 2006 2:03 PM
To: Dave Raboin
Subject: About my fox pelt…
Hey Mr. Raboin!
Well, funny you should mention it—the fox pelt came in the mail from the tannery just yesterday afternoon. I ripped open the box and there, shining below, was my fox pelt!
I took it out of the box and held it up, and was immediately confused. The skin reached all the way to the ground! I held it up as high as I could reach, and it was still dragging on the ground!! I thought there had to have been some mistake. It looked pretty good, but this thing was a ton smaller when I sent it. Zero question. I then wondered if there had just been a mix up and this was someone else’s order. But here’s the thing that was really throwing me—it was still a fox pelt no matter whose it was. Given the face, the paws, the obvious fox-coloring, and the main feature of the tail, there was no question. But it was way bigger than even a deer pelt would be! I even checked to see if it was fake. I was so confused. Then I thought to check the neck area, and—yep, I found my bullet hole. So I knew it was mine. But that actually only made my confusion worse—this thing was huge! I then noticed that there was some paperwork in the bottom of the box. I could summarize it for you, but it’s just too good/strange to miss, and I thought you and Mrs. Raboin would appreciate it. Especially since this thing came from your property. It reads as follows:
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Dear Mr. Downer,
We here at Mid-Western Tanneries Inc. would like to thank you for your business. We regret to inform you that we encountered some irregularities in processing your pelt. As such, the final product has not met the highest standards of quality which MWT customers have come to expect. Therefore, please find attached the notification of your returned payment of $44.95 which we have credited back to your credit card.
Furthermore, please do not send us any further pelts for processing from within 200 miles of the region from which this pelt was procured. If you do so, we will send it back without processing and without the reimbursement of fees. We regret any inconvenience.
For further information, please review the attached job report supplied by the processing technician. Again, my apologies.
Sincerely,
Evan Burgess
VP of Operations
Mid-Western Tanneries, Inc.
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Attachment
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“First off, this was not my ---- fault. I was tannin pelts at my station like usual, about my 12th for the day. I had my regulation gloves on, my spill-gard up and everthing when it just started getting bigger, like it was growin! I read about this kind of thing in the manuls before, but nothing like this—it was streching fast, side and up ways at the same time! It’s just like that one we heard bout in Alaska month or two ago—the muledeer job that got to be Caribou size? One guy said it was cause a some latent genetic something or other. I don’t get that kind of bull-----. But all this was just goin through my head while I was workin it, trying to convince myself it was normal, but it jus got worse, stretching out 1 or 2 inches a second like out of a movie or something! I dropped my flatenner and backed to the wall while it slid down over both edges of my table and headed for the floor. It looked alive. That’s when the blood rushed out of my head and I had to set down and kinda missed my chair. Wilson thought I’d fainted, but it’s a lie. Hes always been a ------ liar. I didn’t faint. I just needed to set down. I didn’t screem, neither. The boys are always making ---- up about me. I don’t scream like no girl, freak pelt or no. That’s when I took a 10. Just needed some fresh air is all. When I got back from my break, the guys were all packed around my station, poking it and trying to get it to move again. I gess it was done. We finally picked it up with pokers and laid it flat on the main cutting table for a good look. We checked the invoice twice: measured 38” long by 22” when it come in, and now was 87” by 73”. Never saw anything like it. Later the floor manager asked me all kinds of crazy questions. Did I do anything wrong to it, did I do anything unusal—I had to tell what happened 100 times befor he would leave me alone. Then he made me write this. That’s all I know. I bet division is going to try to pin this on me, but that’s all that happened, I swear. I’m no spook, but I’m still a might shook up. That’s why I ain’t been in. I’m transferring back to the post and mount warehouse by weeks end anyway. Never did like the ---- tanning floor.”
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How bizarre and absurd is that?!!! I feel like sending it to the paper or something. I’m just glad they included that guy’s memo—that thing is priceless! I already showed it to my dad and sister, and they think it’s the funniest, weirdest thing they’ve ever heard of—especially my dad. He has tried to call them about 4 times since yesterday, and as soon as he gets through to a real person (dang automated answering machines), they hang up when he tells them his name. They actually hang up!! The least they could do is send him to the endless purgatory of being on-hold. I guess they don’t exactly have a defined procedure for this kind of thing. Small wonder
Anyway, the bottom line is, though, despite being huge and have a very sci-fi story behind it, the pelt is actually in pretty good condition. The hair seems somewhat thin at places, but you only notice it if you get close. So I have now decided on the top 3 uses for my largest-fox-pelt-in-the-world novelty:
1. Quilt for a queen-sized bed
2. A pup-tent cover (talk about camping in style!)
3. A doorway covering for my room, hanging from above
I’m still thinking of other possible uses for it. Any ideas?
-Paul
P.S. OK, OK, so here’s the thing: I actually haven’t gotten the fox pelt back yet. As you can no doubt tell, for those without much patience, waiting patiently does strange things to the mind… = ) Happy 4th of July!
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