Hey everybody! I feel incredibly stressed these days. So much so, that I’ve been losing a lot of my hair. My sister is getting married on Halloween, and yes! It’s a Halloween wedding, and of course I am the maid of honor since I’m her one and only sister. The wedding should be interesting. All the guests are invited to come in costume. My family has not seen my sister wear any other color but black since the age of 13, so it will be funny to see her in a white wedding gown.

Her bridal shower is going to be at my mom’s house. We’re planning on having it in the backyard, but my mom and grandmother are being so annoying. My mom is insisting we have a tent to cover the backyard just in case it rains, they don’t like were I’m getting the food, and they have a problem with the favors. I’m doing the best I can, and trying to keep the budget low. There are 3 bridesmaids including myself, so financially it gets tough, but that’s why I’m trying to stay within a budget.

Anyway, on top of all this wedding stuff I’m trying to get my own business up and running by December. I have always wanted to have my own massage therapy practice. For the last year and a half I have worked for the 2 dumbest women, and it was just the push and the motivation I think I needed to get out on my own.

Kyle and I got engaged in February, and people keep asking me when we are getting married, but it looks like that won’t be until 2010 sometime because we’re taking our wedding savings and putting it into the business.

Everyday, I work a little bit on the business stuff and a little bit on the wedding stuff, and just pray everything will come together.

Today was a lovely snowy day in NJ. I didn't even attempt to go outside today. I canceled my Chiropractor appt, my pedicure and dinner with my family. This seems to be my normal Thursday routine. I could have been out Christmas shopping, cleaning or even doing some reading for work. Instead I did nothing. I was going through some stuff in my closet and found my journal. The journal documented a year of my life. It was actually pretty funny to read some of the entries. It was like a Soap Opera. It was during a time in my life when I felt trapped in marriage, and  had a two year affair with a married man I used to work with. I wanted to do everting possible to escape.  I left the job and I started to get my life back on track. Eight months later the job called me to come back, and help train new employees. Thats when the drama started because thats when I ran back into the married mans life.

This was one of the many times I wanted to tell my ex husband I wanted a divorce.

10/14/04

I feel sad. I've been thinking about how I am going to to talk to Sam all week. How should I approach him?  HOW could I DO this to HIM? I keep thinking about all the good things and good memories like Christmas, vacations, going to the movies. Stupid stuff like that. I have this Heaviness in my chest that won't go away.

At the same time I'm thinking about all the things I'm missing out on. Mr. X wanted me to stay over last Saturday night. I want the option and the freedom to do it.

I feel like Sam and I live two sperate lives. Sometimes I wonder what would we be like when were old, and would I be miserable thinking about all the life experiences I missed out on. THIS is SO HARD! I NEED a SIGN! I feel pain every time I see our wedding picture.

10/25/04

Saturday we went on a ghost tour. Anyways, while we were on the tour Mr. X called twice. I thought it was Katie. I talked to Mr. X on Thursday and we were going to meet up in city next Sat., but I think he got the dates mixed up. He called 10 times! Every hour on the hour. I felt trapped when Sam and I got home. There was no way I could call back Mr. X that night. So, I called on Sunday and left a message. I hope he's not mad, and I hope we are still going out Saturday. How am I going to work this? Hmm...Katie mentioned a Halloween party that will be a good alibi.

My Dad took us to Little Italy for dinner. I felt so miserable being there with Sam. Everything is such a big deal to him. He complained about the traffic (ok so it was really bad).  He was hungry when we got to NY, and when we got to the restaurant he kept on making sniffling sounds and making stupid comments. GOD he's so IRRITATING!

All I keep thinking, is our anniversary is coming up soon and its going to be a disaster. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I hate being married, I feel like I'm trapped!

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Maybe in the future I will write some more.

 I have to admit having off for a snow day today was glorious, even though I did lose out on 9 hours of pay and 1 private client.

Since I’m not leaving the house, what a better time to update!

BTW, Happy Valentine’s Day!

November had my Birthday. My friends and I went salsa dancing:

I went to my 10 year High School Reunion:

And I finally had my name changed back to my maiden name legally!

Nothing really happened in December and January. Although they did feel like busy months.

About a month ago, I went to church, and I really needed some kind of sign to show me which direction my life was going in. I wasn’t sure if life for me would just stay the same or if I was going to move forward. Well, it just so happens I was checking job listings like I normally do, and saw that there was a job opening near Kyle’s house, 15min to be exact. So I sent my resume, went for an interview, and I will be starting on February 26^th. I’m excited, I really feel like I’m moving forward, but I will miss my co-workers terribly. I have been at my job for 7 years! I was only 22years old when I started working there. I have seen some of the same patients for the last 7 years. So I am officially becoming a PA resident.

I’ll be an independent contractor at the new job, so I was able to make my own schedule, which is great because I will still be able to come to NJ to see my private clients. I can’t believe how much gas money I’m going to save! As of now I stay in NJ 3x’s a week and Allentown 4x’s a week and spend about $85 on gas a week. Saving on gas will be a bonus in itself.

Does anybody know what happened to giese76 aka Matt?

Kyle and I thought this kid was so cute. He lets out a big sigh at the end…its so hilarious!