Today was a lovely snowy day in NJ. I didn't even attempt to go outside today. I canceled my Chiropractor appt, my pedicure and dinner with my family. This seems to be my normal Thursday routine. I could have been out Christmas shopping, cleaning or even doing some reading for work. Instead I did nothing. I was going through some stuff in my closet and found my journal. The journal documented a year of my life. It was actually pretty funny to read some of the entries. It was like a Soap Opera. It was during a time in my life when I felt trapped in marriage, and had a two year affair with a married man I used to work with. I wanted to do everting possible to escape. I left the job and I started to get my life back on track. Eight months later the job called me to come back, and help train new employees. Thats when the drama started because thats when I ran back into the married mans life. This was one of the many times I wanted to tell my ex husband I wanted a divorce. 10/14/04 I feel sad. I've been thinking about how I am going to to talk to Sam all week. How should I approach him? HOW could I DO this to HIM? I keep thinking about all the good things and good memories like Christmas, vacations, going to the movies. Stupid stuff like that. I have this Heaviness in my chest that won't go away. At the same time I'm thinking about all the things I'm missing out on. Mr. X wanted me to stay over last Saturday night. I want the option and the freedom to do it. I feel like Sam and I live two sperate lives. Sometimes I wonder what would we be like when were old, and would I be miserable thinking about all the life experiences I missed out on. THIS is SO HARD! I NEED a SIGN! I feel pain every time I see our wedding picture. 10/25/04 Saturday we went on a ghost tour. Anyways, while we were on the tour Mr. X called twice. I thought it was Katie. I talked to Mr. X on Thursday and we were going to meet up in city next Sat., but I think he got the dates mixed up. He called 10 times! Every hour on the hour. I felt trapped when Sam and I got home. There was no way I could call back Mr. X that night. So, I called on Sunday and left a message. I hope he's not mad, and I hope we are still going out Saturday. How am I going to work this? Hmm...Katie mentioned a Halloween party that will be a good alibi. My Dad took us to Little Italy for dinner. I felt so miserable being there with Sam. Everything is such a big deal to him. He complained about the traffic (ok so it was really bad). He was hungry when we got to NY, and when we got to the restaurant he kept on making sniffling sounds and making stupid comments. GOD he's so IRRITATING! All I keep thinking, is our anniversary is coming up soon and its going to be a disaster. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I hate being married, I feel like I'm trapped! ********* Maybe in the future I will write some more. | 
