a sharp stab of pain goes through my chest. Thanks. You are great. Really.

I just read someone's blog and they said something that is true for me. I want to feel wanted and needed. I don't necessarily have to have my lifelong partner or whatever, I just want to know that someone out there needs me or wants me. That I'm not alone in this huge world. I know I have my cousin. She is great. But, she has her own guy now.

Let me explain about my cousin and I. See, ever since high school her and I have been cursed. Everytime she is happy with a guy, I can't get one (or one to stick around) and everytime I have a guy she can't get anyone. We have tried to break this for several years now and it just doesn't work. By all rights it is her turn. I had Ryan for a year and a half. We weren't happy for all of it, but that is when she met someone so Ryan and I ended up breaking up. Now, she has a great guy whom she will probably marry and Ryan has someone new which he will probably marry because he tried to marry me. He wanted to be married by now because his sister was. Me, I'm terrified of marriage. At least at my age. He was trying to rush me and at the time he didn't have a job and I don't make much so we never would have been able to make it very easy. I mean, I would have done it had he been able to wait some. We could have been engaged for awhile until he got a little money saved up and a car. Is that so much to ask for? I guess so. Well, I hope he's happy. But you know what hurts me the most about his new girl? The fact that she seems to be just like me. In what she has said to him, everything. GOD IT HURTS! But she is there and I am here. What can I do? What can I do? Nothing. But suffer.

Back to the curse, I just can't help but wonder if she gets married, will that mean it's my turn until I get married? Or will that mean that I will never find anyone becaue she gets married? These all can't be coincidence. I don't believe in that many happening over that period of time. it just doesn't make sense. I don't want to be alone forever. I want my special someone. I'm a good person and I deserve it. I know I have some issues but I believe the right person will help me get over them and make me trust them. Guy or girl. Girl I mean in a friend. There have been a few girls that have been friends that have screwed me over pretty bad in the past so I have a hard time trusting both sexes. My cousin and Troy are my only friends. And God bless his soul, Andy too. He's a good guy. He would do just about anything for me I think.

*sigh* I'm about to cry. So I'm gonna go. Just told an old "friend" that they weren't a friend at all. I'm doing some cleaning out I guess. Not that I have much to clean out anyway, but oh well. Bye for now.

I want to talk to you so bad right now. Why? I just want to see how you are doing, what you are up to, that kind of thing.

I think you still love me, at least you say that you do. You say you love me more than I know. Why, may I ask do you tell me you love me but then insist that we can not be together again? Besides the whole distance thing. I know the distance is hard to get over. Let me try to explain to you why I put my foot down on not coming to see you. First off I want to say that not seeing you and making that decision was one of the hardest, besides breaking up with you, that I have ever made. I stopped coming because I was feeling a little used. I know your situation was rough because you didn't have a car or a job or money and when you did have a job you paid me some gas money which was nice. Your parents took a big chunk of what you made so that made it even more difficult on you. However, you have to realize that when I came to see you I spent hundreds of dollars. I didn't realize it until I started adding it up and for the most part I didn't care because I loved you, but it starts to add up after awhile. I would have to pay for gas down and back, then we usually ate out or bought groceries to make food. Plus wherever we went aka the mall, the movies, etc I bought stuff there and the gas to get there. One time I paid for a hotel room and I've paid entry fees to a few raves and for alcohol for your friends. I don't say all this to make you feel inadequate or demean you in any way. You just have to realize that just because I have a "good" job, the money doesn't go that far. And you are right. I did NOT have to buy my car. However if I didn't, you would have seen a whole lot less of me because I know my dad would not have let me use his car to drive down there very much. I hope you appreciate when I did come down. I have strayed slightly from my point. I guess my main point is, I sacrificed a lot of myself (I felt) and it didn't feel like you appreciated it much. I wanted you to show some dedication to me by at least TRYING to come and see me during that time but it never happend.

 God, there are so many things I want to say. I wish I could let go.

I wish you would come back to me. I wish you would talk and level with me on what is going on in your life instead of being vague all the time. I wish we could meet sometime and chat for awhile. I wish I could stop thinking about all this and you for at least 1 hour a day after I get off work so my heart will have a break from aching. I want to move there so I can be with you but I'm afraid if I do that you won't want me. I wish you would attempt to start paying me back so I know you aren't a low life loser who isn't going to stiff me $1,200. You told me to trust you and I have up until you stopped returning phone calls, promised to see me in January and didn't send $40.00 by Jan. 31st. I have hospital bills to pay for. I don't have that money and it's going to be hard paying the bills. Not to mention I have to pay off over $4,000 in 4 months. So thank you. Don't forget that I know what you make now. I hope you plan to pay me back before you start school.

Despite the money and you ignoring me for a year, I still love you. You made a huge impact on my life and I can't forget that. When we first met at Rockfest '05 and I caught a glimpse of you looking me in the eye for a split millisecond, I knew I would love you for a long time. Even though you were all shy and talked to David practically the entire time, I had a feeling deep down you still liked me. When I had heard you left early, it broke my heart. I wanted you that entire day for myself, especially for the fireworks but unfortunately it didn't work out quite the way I had wanted. However, less than a month later you were mine.

Remember the first time I came to see you in Ozark? We went tubing! That is still by far my most favorite thing we did together. You were so sweet to me, despite my drunkeness and tiredness. And after we got home, your mom made the most wonderful cheeseburger I have ever eaten in my life! We went to bed and I passed out instantly but later that evening we both woke up and had fun. I still don't even know how it happend but it was great. I'll never forget the night you gave me my first orgasm during sex. That was....wow. Amazing. You are #1.

The best thing about us though was that sex did not define our relationship. Some of the best times I remember with you are when we were just laying next to one another looking into eachothers eyes and cuddling. And you would always make me laugh. You would say something or do something crazy and we would both crack up. We would talk about life, love, the future, music and eachother. We talked about our hopes and dreams and who we wanted to be someday. We also share a love for food. I LOVED that we would make dinner or dessert together and you would grab me and dance with me in the kitchen and kiss me on the forehead or cheek and tell me that you loved me.

It was so magical and perfect.