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| Don't worry NJ State government, your money is hard at work. I think I'd rather watch paint dry then be sitting in this CSC 105 class, hence the sudden revival of Xanga. I probably could be working on the radio music logs I'm behind on, but that would require me to be dillegent and use my time effectively. Better yet, I could pay attention in class. Hah. Quick little summary of my life since obviously I haven't written in about 10 years: Current Favorite Song: With You by Chris Brown and Jersey Girl by Springsteen Most Recently Viewed Movies: I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry New Favorite Genre: Horror! Biggest Problem In Life: Issues with my mom, too many activities...too little time, Nightmares Favorite Fast Food: Taco Bell Drink: Pink Lemonade and Peppermint Hot Chocolate (I stopped drinking soda...WHAT NOW!) Weird NJ Haunt: Asbury Park (Duh) Job: Best Buy =) Store: Abercrombie, Aeropostale, Apple, Best Buy Cell Phone Model: Verizon LG Envy Current Obsessions: David Wright, Endy and the NY Mets, Bruce!, Chris Daughtry, Leo DeCaprio, Guitar Hero, New Classic 160 iPod, Billy Joel, Casablanca Most Missed Memory: The Crew Favorite Activity: Hanging Out With Tommy =D So yeah, that's my life in a small, small nutshell. Radio owns me. Tommy is amazing and still drives me as crazy as the day I met him.  I've been to way more parties than I ever imagined and I love it. I haven't seen as much of my friends but I'm working on fixing that. I can't wait for Christmas, its what gets me up in the morning. I'm missing the old crew/youth group/church life more than usual. College is awesome but I really want my own space! That's it for now...this was fun.  | | |
| | Greetings From Asbury Park, New Jersey | I'm supposed to be working on the other half of my debate right now, but blogging seems to be slighty more satisfying. Plus, much like my title suggests, I've got this whole Asbury Park kick going on, I'll expand... So basically on an Ocean Grove Adventure last summer me and Sarah discovered the abandoned Casino/Amusement Park/Skating Rink building, which terrified and fascinated me at the same time. If you look to last summer I think I posted the blog on here...if not it's definetly on my Xanga. Long story short, I became obsessed with trying to figure out what happened. Defunct amusement parks hold a strange attraction for me. Over the years (this has been going on since I was in middle school) I have come to realize it has alot to do with my loss of innocence problem. I can't fathom how a place of happiness and pleasure, of childlike freedom, can fade away and deteriorate. It will bother me and bother me and I will research and find what brought these parks to their end. It's weird...I know. The Asbury Park casino became an even deeper mystery to me because I had actually been there. I was haunted by it more because I saw firsthand the beauty in the diliapidation of the place. There was something so remarkably outstanding about it, even in all it's destruction, I couldn't help but be enticed. I have since been back there two times and over the winter months occasionally endulged myself in further reasearching of exactly what went wrong. (All I've come up with is a complicated mismanagement of Asbury Park). But this all came to a surprising turn. Yesterday I was in the Book store (Walden Books is closing  ) buying a copy of the Giver (which by the way, is an excellent book to read for a second time now that we're all older) and I came across a shelf filled with New Jersey lore and stumbled across books about the Jersey boardwalks and individual towns themselves. I naturally went right to the stuff about Asbury Park (found some great pictures). But everytime I look at anything to do with Asbury Park, I get really saddened. After seeing all the stuff yesterday, it sort of bothered me this morning and I went online to do some more research when I came across some pictures that showed they demolished the entire backhalf of the Casino. I was quite surprised, I didn't think they'd actually tear it down! While unforutanely that was the most decrepit part, it was also the most enchanting. If you looked up through the broken windows you could still see the chandelier frames that hinted at the splendor that once exsisted. With the demolition of it, it feels like part of the mystery and the magic was destoryed. I know rebuilding was almost impossible, but I really wish it hadn't fallen into such a state of disrepair. Perhaps this is me just dealing with the deeper problem of how I hate to see anything fall apart...friendships, relationships, dreams. I'd love to see just a glimpse of what it looked like in it's glory days. Blah, enough depressing fear-of-old-abandoned-buildings-scribbling! I had an AWESOME night last night. Tons of fun, seriously. It was MCC Black and White Night. The WMCC radio girls did a dance in the talent show (I was in my first ever school talent show!) and we performed Cell Block Tango from Chicago. If you know me at all, you know that this was a huge accomplishment for me. Dancing, especially in front of people, is one of my weaknesses, so the fact that I was able to do it and look as minimally retarted as possible, was a huge deal for me. And I had alot of fun in process, getting to actually spend real time with the radio girls, it was crazy but enjoyable. On top of that I did the fashion show (that was odd), I got suckered into it, as well as the competition for Mr. and Mrs. MCC (which I also got suckered into!) But it's all good, cause I ended up winning! I'm Miss MCC!? Feels awkward to say...I'd rather say MCC princess or something. Regardless, I won 25$ and a cool title! I then spent the rest of the night hanging with my friends...the cheerleaders, the basketball girls, Sarah, and Jesse, Tommy, Jerry...all those kids. Goodtimes...I even worked up the courage to hit the dance floor for a little while.  I cut out a little early to head over to the Skylark for some funtimes with the WMCC kids who went out. I came home exhausted but oh so happy! I accidently overslept for the track meet this morning and ended up going shopping instead. I think I found some cute new clothes! Been a relaxing day, time to go back to work and of course my New York Mets!  |
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| When Good Girl Meets Bad Boy
Current mood:  exhausted So it's Good Friday. It's never sunny on Good Friday, kinda interesting the way that works. I always wake up on good friday and feel icky on the inside, like my stomach knots itself up and I always feel like I can't eat anything and enjoy it, and my eyes are always heavy and lifeless on Good Friday. I think it's because I associate Good Friday with guilt. Like I can't really take any peace or comfort in anything because it is Good Friday. My head goes (and this has been my mentality pretty much since I grasped the whole christianity concept)..."You had someone out there dying to save your life and you're trying to enjoy THAT?!" I had to do my radio show tonight (it was a tough internal debate trying to decide if I forgo the sacred aspect of today and play techno and miss part of church) so I only made it to a small portion of the night's Good Friday service. But it's funny what 20 minutes of intense reflecting can do. I am the farthest away from God that I have been in years. It has been a slow, gradual, process of christian degradation, compared with the peak period in my faith 2-3 years ago. I would say in general I still face the same amount of problems and trials, but my outlook and methods for solving these difficulties and the way I handle peer pressure is dramatically altered. I realize that a combination of unique events in my life that occurred at exactly the right time so that one could cause the other (there was a dangerous domino effect going on here) have led me to the point in life where I currently find myself. I often find myself wishing to return to even an echo of who I was spiritually, but fail so many times and continue to make the same mistakes repreatedly I am finding the road to back to redemption a rocky one and for every one step forward, I run two more back. But no matter how low of a bottom I hit, I realize I have never completely and totally abandoned hope. The problem is I can't do this on my own, but I have so much anger and mistrust and disbelief built up it prevents me from allowing God to help me get back to him. I know this won't last forever. Deep, deep down inside is a girl who just wants to love him the way He loved her, and eventually that girl will take over. It's been so long since I wrote a blog, I really can't believe it. Radio is honestly just such a huge commitment in my life that it leaves me very little time for anything else. It's like being in a relationship, literally. I also got swamped with a whole bunch of papers and what-not (Sarah and I pulled my first legitmate all-nighter on thursday night...sit ups anyone? We consumed so much sugar late into the night we were both sick when we woke up from our naps and it was probably one of the worst nights ever. I mean I know I could think of worse ones, but oh man. The only thing was Sarah and I got to spend more time together and I whole-heartedly believe it was very positive for our friendship.) The last thing I left off with was St. Patty's Day. The party went well I thought (of course I still freaked out the entire night but I think I really got a feel for DJ-ing) On top of that, being Irish and all, I couldn't let the night pass by without some fun. I DJ-ed another party last weekend and I sort of dominated it. Dani and I were tag team DJing (of course) but I guess after all the radio expierence I gained a feel for what the audience would possibly want to hear and ended up doing as good portion of the party signle-handedly. I was rather suprised and somewhat impressed with myself at points. I'm going through the friendshift thing right now. I'm meeting new people, getting closer with some unexpected ones, maintaning other longstanding ones, and letting others go. It's a part of life and, friends, kind of like music and emotions, come in waves for me. (Of course, there will always be constants like Kaitlin, Sarah, Dani...) but I've come to just accept that this is a natural process in life. I'm also in total flashback phase right now. I think it has to do mainly with the fact that it's spring. In the winter, I can daydream til my heart's content but because of the dead-like atmosphere generated by winter, these thoughts appear depth-less. But with spring there are so many unique sounds and scents and sights my body is stimulated much greater and a single recollection can send my body back to the state it was when that even occurred. For example, a cherished flashback sent my stomach in a loop, just thinking about how I felt on that day. And I'm trying the whole "not living in the past" buisness. It is what it is, I had fun doing it but I can't let it tie me down as much as I like to let it. I'm getting sleepy, I think this was a decent start to kickoff some new (and hopefully more frequent) entries! New Linkin Park Single out, by the way! I'm kinda liking it and looking forward to thier new album due out next month. "What I Need and What I believe are Worlds Apart..." | | |
| At least I didn't have classes in the first place on Mondays so I was not one of the many robbed of a snow day. I haven't written a blog in a while, mostly cause I've been pretty busy with school work and several other various activities of that sort, but also cause something severly impacted my ability to produce an un-biased and un-protected entry (and if I can't produce something authentic, I won't script it at all.) I did write something last tuesday night (bascially just describing in vivid detail how I went from having cabin fever one day to a catastrophic day the following day) but my silly computer deleted it just as I posted it. Ah, well. I'm 95% sure I'm on the verge of getting relatively sick. I made it a lot longer this winter than last...I'd totally rocked about every common sickness known to man last winter by about mid-Feubruary (REALLY REALLY bad cough, Strep Throat, ear-infectrion...what a mess). If not the sickies in the studio friday night (both my shadow DJ and my friend Cory were sick in there) then I'm sure I can think of several other ways this could've happened.  I went skiing once again on Saturday to the beloved Camelback! I went with a bunch of the college kids from church but Dani came with me so naturally I kinda just stayed with him most of the day since we're on a similiar skill level and we can handle pretty much the same terrain. I believe it would not be wrong to say I am officially a good/expert skier. I took on the double black diamond with no problem (in fact it was quite my favorite trail because of the intense speed I picked up!) began mastering the moguls on another slipper black diamond, and achieved a successful jump. It was beautiful. Hopefully for my birthday I can get a pair of my own skiis and maybe next winter hit up something like, oh, say...Hunter Mountain!  I did however, do something to my right leg, I'm clueless as to walk, but now I'm in a good deal of pain when I try to walk. I suppose it was worth it though! There's this scene in the Notebook where Allie and Noah are out on the lake and it starts to pour rain and they both get soaked and start laughing hysterically. They finally pull into shore and Allie wants to know why Noah never tried to get her back and Noah explains that he did and Allie says that now it's too late. Noah just looks at her, Allie goes to say something and Noah goes, "It wasn't over, it still ain't over" and then just kisses her. Passionately. And Allie returns the kiss. That's gotta be one of my favorite scenes. "It still ain't over." I'm supposed to be working on an english paper that's due tomorrow but as you can see I've successfully managed to avoid it for the most part, and I'll just pull an ALL-nighter! CAN'T WAIT! (Can you hear the sarcasm in my voice?  ) I don't have any major events this week though so I should be able to survive on sleep-deprivation. I bought me one of those Irish build-a-bears, I simply couldn't resist! He's got different shades of shamrocks all of his cuddlt little body. I named him Connor Patrick Costiagan (in honor of my two favorite Irish gangsta movies and the world's most amazing holiday!). Speaking of which, I am finally glad I stayed up late to watch the end of an awards' show because last night my Departed came away with four Ocars including Best Picture of the Year! <3 And since we didn't get a snow day out of it I think it's safe to say...I can't wait til it all melts and I can eat Ice Cream at 10:00 at night in the hot summer evening air and take in the aroma of fresh baked goodies, grease, and adrenaline from an amusement park.  | | |
| I really hope this thing is as abandoned as I think it is. I am so upset and I don't know what else to do but write it out. Mainly because the reason for being so upset is STUPID, it's childish and I just can't believe I let myself feel this way. So I've been single for over a year and a half. I got to used to it (although it took me way to long to rebound from Andrew), plus there was always my eternal rollercoaster of a complicated situation (at least it my head it was quite complex) with the best friend. In my confused state with that situation, it left room for me to explore my options constantly. Some of those options I mistakedly, wrongly, and briefly expressed interest but soon quickly discovered they neither measured up to my last boyfriend, or were no match for his opposite, the best friend. To me, in hindsight, everything seemed to fall in the middle, and as hard as I tried to convince myself that it was going to be good, I've never been a kid for the middle. College came up and being single in college presents it's challenges as well as advantages. It's like mating season out there, and sometimes it gets lonely when it feels like you're one of the few without someone you belong to. However, being single also allows you to make fast friends with plenty of boys since you are indeed single. And that's what I did. I talked, I walked, I laughed, I giggled, I flirted, of I did it all. But, with one exception, again I ran into the problem of no one standing out to me. Perhaps it was selfish, but me and the middle lane just don't get along well. By this point in my life, no one could take my best friend's place in my heart. Sure I knew we'd never be together, and staying friends in seperate colleges has its countless challenges, but when you know you're not laughing, smiling, or caring as much about anyone else than with the guy you've come to love as a real friend, it becomes difficult to cherish someone. There was one excpetion, like I said, and naturally that didn't work out and I let it bother me for a really long time. But I got back up on my feet, cause I usually do, and I adjusted to life and was completely content with life the way it was, single and not sorry about it. Then things got complicated. A wrench was thrown in the works. As my best-friend winter break spree came to a close, a sudden shift of events left me with a new development. An unforseen friend, who will from here on be referred to as MM (no those are not his initials, but yes it has several meanings in the context of our friendship) re-entered my life and things were awkward but interesting but exciting. Despite my inital fears and skepisim I continued to hang out with MM. Over time I got slightly more comfortable and more curious and I also began to enjoy myself more, and as a result I began to open up. And by open up I don't mean the objective stuff that I probably share with everybody, I mean the real stuff. For whatever reason an abrupt trust began to develop and we both began to delve into the deeper things, the things you don't tell everyone, if anyone at all. A unique bond began forming and the rumors on the street suggested MM wanted this to progress into a real realtionship. I remained still undecided and rode the fence while MM increased his interest. But then something clicked. It all just was right there in front of me, and I cared. I really cared. I stopped thinking about my best friend so much, and I realized there was a hope for this. And I began to invest more heart into the infant relationship. But on the day when everything was supposed to be good, and become an actual living, breathing relationship, MM choked. And I was left dumbfounded. For the longest time he was so set on this and when I finally came to be equally set on it, I faced nothing but dumbfoundedness and dejection. And once I realized what I had was gone, I was a mess. And I don't understand why, I don't understand how...how this came to hurt me so much, because I really shouldn't let it have. It shouldn't matter but my heart made it matter for a reason I don't comprehend. But there's no changing the choke. Once someone feels that way, no one can change their mind, no matter how terrible you feel and how well you express it. And I'll be fine eventually. I'll see the boys at school, I'll spend time in the tight confined spaces of the radio studio, I'll go skiing with my friends, I'll make trips to WCC, and I'll stay on my feet so much I can't think. But until then, I find myself a complete emotional bomb and I wish I could recover soon than later. It just so hard.  "What hurts the most was being so close, and having so much to say...And watching you walk away...Never knowing what could've been..." | | |
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