Currently Listening Me and My Gang By Rascal Flatts see related

I really hope this thing is as abandoned as I think it is.  I am so upset and I don't know what else to do but write it out.  Mainly because the reason for being so upset is STUPID, it's childish and I just can't believe I let myself feel this way.

So I've been single for over a year and a half.  I got to used to it (although it took me way to long to rebound from Andrew), plus there was always my eternal rollercoaster of a complicated situation (at least it my head it was quite complex) with the best friend.  In my confused state with that situation, it left room for me to explore my options constantly.  Some of those options I mistakedly, wrongly, and briefly expressed interest but soon quickly discovered they neither measured up to my last boyfriend, or were no match for his opposite, the best friend.  To me, in hindsight, everything seemed to fall in the middle, and as hard as I tried to convince myself that it was going to be good, I've never been a kid for the middle.

College came up and being single in college presents it's challenges as well as advantages.  It's like mating season out there, and sometimes it gets lonely when it feels like you're one of the few without someone you belong to. However, being single also allows you to make fast friends with plenty of boys since you are indeed single.  And that's what I did.  I talked, I walked, I laughed, I giggled, I flirted, of I did it all.  But, with one exception, again I ran into the problem of no one standing out to me.  Perhaps it was selfish, but me and the middle lane just don't get along well.  By this point in my life, no one could take my best friend's place in my heart.  Sure I knew we'd never be together, and staying friends in seperate colleges has its countless challenges, but when you know you're not laughing, smiling, or caring as much about anyone else than with the guy you've come to love as a real friend, it becomes difficult to cherish someone.  There was one excpetion, like I said, and naturally that didn't work out and I let it bother me for a really long time.  But I got back up on my feet, cause I usually do, and I adjusted to life and was completely content with life the way it was, single and not sorry about it.

Then things got complicated. A wrench was thrown in the works.  As my best-friend winter break spree came to a close, a sudden shift of events left me with a new development.  An unforseen friend, who will from here on be referred to as MM (no those are not his initials, but yes it has several meanings in the context of our friendship) re-entered my life and things were awkward but interesting but exciting.  Despite my inital fears and skepisim I continued to hang out with MM.  Over time I got slightly more comfortable and more curious and I also began to enjoy myself more, and as a result I began to open up.  And by open up I don't mean the objective stuff that I probably share with everybody, I mean the real stuff.  For whatever reason an abrupt trust began to develop and we both began to delve into the deeper things, the things you don't tell everyone, if anyone at all.  A unique bond began forming and the rumors on the street suggested MM wanted this to progress into a real realtionship.  I remained still undecided and rode the fence while MM increased his interest.  But then something clicked.  It all just was right there in front of me, and I cared.  I really cared.  I stopped thinking about my best friend so much, and I realized there was a hope for this.  And I began to invest more heart into the infant relationship. 

But on the day when everything was supposed to be good, and become an actual living, breathing relationship, MM choked. And I was left dumbfounded.  For the longest time he was so set on this and when I finally came to be equally set on it, I faced nothing but dumbfoundedness and dejection.  And once I realized what I had was gone, I was a mess.  And I don't understand why, I don't understand how...how this came to hurt me so much, because I really shouldn't let it have.  It shouldn't matter but my heart made it matter for a reason I don't comprehend.

But there's no changing the choke.  Once someone feels that way, no one can change their mind, no matter how terrible you feel and how well you express it.

And I'll be fine eventually. I'll see the boys at school, I'll spend time in the tight confined spaces of the radio studio, I'll go skiing with my friends, I'll make trips to WCC, and I'll stay on my feet so much I can't think.  But until then, I find myself a complete emotional bomb and I wish I could recover soon than later.  It just so hard.

"What hurts the most was being so close, and having so much to say...And watching you walk away...Never knowing what could've been..."