Food, Throats, and Vaginas - A Memoir

          For some reason, anytime I eat too quickly, whatever I'm eating gets caught in my throat and I cannot swallow and get the food down, and I start getting a burning feeling in my chest, and if I try to "push" the food down by drinking water, it just feels like a clogged pipe or something, there's just too much liquid trying to go through too small a (clogged) hole, and my chest starts burning and hurting like hell and I seriously feel like I might die. I think it's a combination of the small diameter of my throat, and also the high viscosity of my saliva. I've never had a heart attack, but it feels like how a heart attack would feel. Usually I have no choice but to excuse myself, go to a bathroom, and stick my fingers down my throat until I start gagging and semi-throwing up so I can get the partially digested,viscous, slimy-ass saliva-covered food in my esophagus (aka a bolus, for the science nerds out there) out of there. By the way, for any bulimics out there, I kind of admire what you do. Everytime I start semi-choking like this, I have to stick my finger(s) down my throat, and I get down there pretty deep and rub my inner throat/esophagus pretty damn hard to force my gag reflex, and it's usually effective at getting the lodged food out, but I've never managed to actually throw up by doing this. To everyone out there without a weight disorder - bulimia might be psychologically harmful and physically crippling and altogether pretty stupid, but one thing it is not is easy to do. I admire bulimics.

          In sexual terms, since that's how I ultimately see everything in the world, if my throat were a vagina, then my "vagina" would be extremely tight and extremely dry, and altogether not very "fuckable." Before I eat, I always have to drink a large amount of water beforehand in order to sufficiently "lubricate" my throat and allow food to travel down it more easily. It's the times I forget that lead to the chokefest/gagfest I described earlier. You can see where I'm going with this. My throat is basically a woman with an overly small vagina with very viscous and slimy vagina fluid, who is unable to get adequately wet during arousal and foreplay, which leads to all kinds of headaches during the actual intercourse. So in a way, but in a twisted and fucked up and unexpected kind of way, eating and sex are actually very analogous.

And for these very reasons, if I were gay, I probably wouldn't give very good blowjobs either. Just in case you were wondering...

Right...

Three Months' Worth of Random Shit

This one time in kindergarten, I remember one of the kids in my class had used paper towels to wipe his ass (we called it our "bottom" back then) and then instead of flushing them down the toilet, he had (quite messily) thrown all his "used" paper towels into the bathroom trashcan which was almost full to begin with, so that the next few people who used the bathroom were greeted by the sight of several shit-stained crumpled up paper towels lying near the top of the garbage can. Muck. From that point on my memory gets a bit hazy, but I'm pretty sure we didn't have to play out a game of "whodunit," I think the kid who wiped his ass with the paper towels quickly confessed, and probably cried a bit too because even despite the fact that we were little 5-year olds with little/no sense of pride or dignity back then, it's still pretty embarrassing being known as "the kid who wiped his ass with paper towels and then left it out in the open for everyone to see what his shit looks like." I also like how we used to call our asses our "bottoms" back then. I clearly remember thinking to myself as a kindergartner that "butt" was a bad word, and I don't think I really started using the word "butt" until like first or second grade, at the earliest.

Maybe it's just me, but have you ever looked at the length and thickness/circumference of your shit after taking a dump, and then wondered to yourself, "Damn, I guess if i were gay (or a straight woman) and chose to have anal sex, that's (at least) how large a penis I could fit into my asshole"? Then again, maybe it's just me. Muck.

I've been in Korea for about three months now, and I surprisingly haven't seen that much Konglish/Engrish around. I'm sure the "English industry" in Korea has developed sufficiently to the point that goofy, funny, and/or nonsensical Korean-to-English translation errors are minimized in general society. Nonetheless, I still come across the occasional blip on the Engrish Radar. For example, you all know the famous "I <3 NY" shirts that they sell in New York City, right? Well in Korea, on multiple occasions at multiple locations, I've seen clothing stores selling T-shirts that say "I (Mickey Mouse) NY," with a picture of Mickey or Minny Mouse instead of the traditional red heart. What??!!? First of all, Mickey Mouse is not a verb. Secondly, there couldn't be two more unrelated things than Mickey Mouse and the city of New York. Mickey Mouse has *nothing* to do with New York City. Yet there are women and men who wear these types of shirts around under the presumption that the "sentence" on the front of their shirt actually makes some kind of sense. Another time, I was walking to a subway station when I walked past a bakery called "Brest Bakery." I did a double take, because this just didn't make any kind of sense to me whatsoever. Usually when you see Engrish in a foreign country, the reason it's funny is because you quickly realize what they were trying to convey, and it's funny to see how off-target they were and how badly they mangled the translation. But honestly, "Brest" Bakery? This seemed like a nice-looking bakery too, not some piece of shit bakery that fucked up their sign and then decided "Ahhh fuck it no one would've understood what it meant anwyay, even if we'd gotten it right." I really am at a loss for what the bakery owner meant to say. Did they simply misspell "Best Bakery"? Did they misspell the word "breast"? (As in "Breast Bakery," a new-age bakery of the future in which breasts are prominently involved?) Sounds pretty awesome, though a tad bit unlikely. Maybe they were abbreviating the phrase "Best of the Rest" and reduced it to a single word, "Brest." But that doesn't make much sense either, because you're saying that you're not the best, but you are the best among the non-best, which is just a convulted way of saying that you're a loser.

I live in a small studio-style apartment in downtown Korea, and my floor is hardwood. Which is nice because it's pretty easy to clean, since you can see all the dirt and dust and grime on the floor, and you don't have little microscopic bug sons of bitches living in your carpet like you do in America. Anyway, it's a nice, cozy little apartment, but within a week of moving in, I realized that there were many of what looked suspiciously like pubes on the floor that you don't notice at first but REALLY notice upon taking a second look. The person who was renting out the apartment before me was a girl, and I was kind of pissed because I thought, "Oh great, she must have brought her boyfriend over all the time and now his pubes are littered all over the place, who knows what else he 'littered all over the place'?" So then I vaccuumed the entire place clean, making it 100% pube-free. But then in the next week and the week after that, I once again started seeing pubes on the floor here and there, and then I got REALLY pissed. Why the fuck is this girl's boyfriend sneaking into my apartment when I'm not there and scattering his pubes all over MY apartment? Who does that??!? Motherfucker. Oh wait a minute...

So while I'm in Korea, I'm not really sure how shit like medical checkups and going to the dentist and shit go. I really don't want to have to go to a Korean dentist, if only for the simple fact that I'm already in a "relationship" with my long-time family dentist in the US, so not only would it feel like dentist adultery if I go to one here in Korea, but also they'd no doubt start asking me all these dentistry-related questions in Korean with dentist-words that I won't understand, and I just don't wanna have to deal with that shit. It makes me uncomfortable, for the simple fact that it's not familiar. It's kind of like when you're in prison - It's always better to be anally raped by the same person on a regular basis whom you recognize, than to be anally raped by some random dude every single time, because in the former case, at least you have a general idea of what's coming (no pun intended) and you can prepare and brace yourself accordingly. In the same vein, if I go to a dentist in Korea, no matter how gentle they are and how gingerly they push their hard cock into my quivering asshole and how lovingly they graze my grundle with their tongue, it'll still be uncomfortable simply because it's not what I'm used to. You know what I mean?

Btw, randomass thing I've seen while in Korea. In my company headquarters, in the basement lobby bathrooms, there are "Ultimate Frisbee" stickers on top of each urinal (three in total). They're made by the UPA, the "Ultimate Players Association," which is an American organization, and the stickers say "Play Ultimate!" if I remember correctly. Pretty fucking random, considering I have never at any point seen or heard any mention of people playing Ultimate Frisbee (or even just aimlessly throwing a frisbee around) in Korea in the 5-6 months that I have spent in Korea in my lifetime. I confirmed this with one of my younger, more-in-touch native Korean coworkers, and they confirmed that frisbee is not very popular at all in Korea, even at colleges. First off, I'm pretty sure I've seen those stickers around a lot while in college. But I have no clue how the hell one of those things ended up on a urinal in a Korean bank basement. Yeah, there are a few foreigners at my company, but I'm pretty sure all of them are either British or Indian or Southeast Asian. No Americans. Maybe those stickers were put their by a Korean underground rebel frisbee society, and they're putting those stickers in public places to try to bring people to their cause and bring legitimacy to their sport in Korea. But either that doesn't make sense, or if it is the case, these underground rebel frisbee players are pretty retarded to put their stickers in the basement bathroom of a bank headquarters. Your target audience is a bunch of middle-aged men and working women, probably the least active frisbee-playing demographic there is. I'm PRETTY sure they won't be picking up a frisbee anytime soon to go outside and have a throwaround in the nonexistent parks and grass fields of Seoul, South Korea.

Quick Recap

Muckmuck, in the last post that I wrote in mid-September of last year (before the "I'm back" one), I said that I would be shutting my Xanga down for "a month or two," implying that I was expecting to find a job by November. Turns out it ended up taking a LOT longer than that, like "almost half a year after I expected" longer. Damn, I am ignant, and damn, I got PWN3D. People are saying 2007-2008 is shaping up to be one of the worst years in recent history for a young person looking for a job, particularly in Finance but also in general as well. Most unclutch time to be a college senior, EVER. Oh well, at least things turned out pretty well even though I had to endure a longass stressful time of feeling like a jobless loserface. For anyone who I haven't told yet, I'm gonna be working in Seoul, South Korea for the next two years at "Standard Chartered First Bank." It's a bank in Korea, in case you didn't get the hint. Anyway yeah, it's kind of scary knowing I'll be far away from home on the other side of the world for two years, but it's kind of exciting too, especially since I didn't study abroad my junior year while at Williams (which many kids there do). I guess this is kind of like my study abroad. Anyway yeah, as often happens when I'm writing Xanga, I don't feel like typing anymore, so until next time, May the Force be with you. What, you don't appreciate my Star Wars reference? Go fuck yourself.

yeah...