| Sunday
March 20th, 2005
Dear Diary,
Ok, tonight was simply amazing. And I know when a lot of girls say that they are saying because some guy made their night or they totally just had a major shopping spree.
The reason I write tonight is not because I have just been waited on hand and foot by are handsome guy, but because I experienced God. I felt Him in my heart, in my life, and in everything.
Jen, whom is the greatest girlfriend anyone could ask for, asked me at work if I wanted to go to the Flood with her. Not ever going, I totally accepted. Then I went through what I like to call withdrawls. Where I want to change my mind and not go. But this time, God planted it in my mind that I HAD TO GO or die. Dying was not an option.
So Upon arriving there, the worship FLOORED me. I just poured my heart and everything else inside of me at the feet of My King. I just wanted to stay there forever. Holding my hands as high as they could go and screaming at the top of my lungs.. Praising my Lord. My God, My Savior...
The message spoke right to my heart. It was about the winters we go through. All about the hurt that we experience.It was all about how God loves us, and He gave us a soul... And that soul is ment to be stretched and molded until it is perfect. And the only true way we grow is by trails and tribulations. And yeah, everyone suffers. But is foolish of you to think that you are the only one who is going through your pain.
Example: I have a friend you thinks it's the end of the world bc he might have to get this surgery, and he'll be unable to do things for like 3 weeks. Do things I mean as in anything like sports, or as he put "anything sexual". (Gross) And he thinks it is seriously the worst thing in the entire world. And yeah it's pretty bad. But hey, I can relate. I was told that there was a 99 in 100 chance that I had stress fractured shins. Meaning that if I did, no activitities for a LONG time. I was pretty much looking at a life without anything except walking. And that to me, was a huge crush because I love to run, surf, and jump. I love to skip around and always be on the move. But for about 3 months, I wouldn't be able too. Then I would have to go through months of Physical Therapy to heal my fractured shins. And that, was a huge shocker. My life as I know it.... Was about to come to an end. and for a week I had to live with that pain. But by the grace of God, I was the 1 percent. I was fine. I was healed. But I remember the pain I had to go through. The agony of no running for at least a year. And when I shared that with my friend, when I told him it'd be okay and that he'd pull through. He told me I had no idea what I was talking about. But see the thing is, I do.
And as much as we love to think that everyone else has no idea what they are talking about... The funny thing is, they can relate. We're not alone in this world.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers." When you face many trials. And hey, we should. Not joy as in 'oh yay! my wife died! horray!' But joy in that, someday, my experience will help my help someone else and that this is making my heart grow stronger. And that God, is always there for me.
I know God is always there for me. I know He is ALWAYS there. Tonight, I saw Chris driving away. He was in his beautiful Eclispe and he passed me. And for a moment, his eyes met mine. And they stated there. Lingering for a moment. Willing myself to look away, I quickly starred in the opposite direction. Feeling my eyes fill up with tears I remember that God had my heart, not Chris. And I remember that I gave it all to God. Something I should have done a LONG time ago. Suddenly, the tears welling up in my eyes evaporated and my heart was at peace. Then as I was sitting at a stoplight. That 1.5 seconds was a killer. I was suddenly overwhelmed by grief. But instead of trying to push it away and trying to stop the tears. I embraced it.
I don't know about you, but I find that whenever you try to pull away from the grief inside you, you always seem to make it worse. And you always seem to cry harder and hurt more. But hey, next time you're like that, embrace the pain. It helps you heal and it'll help you change.
So yeah, I embraced it. I held out my arms and welcomed it into my bleeding heart. Tears filled my eyes and I couldn't see the road. I was so desperate to stop crying that I was surfing through the stations trying to find a song that could sing the pain away. Then it hit me. "Um Kristin you dummy. You just spent like 2 hours loving God, pouring all you had before him, and learning about Him.. And right now you are pushing him away?" Then I turned my radio to 100.1 KLove.
"I Can Only Imagine...."
With those words I knew God was with me. I knew God was in me. And I knew God Loved me. I sang that song so loudly and so passionatly.. I probably sounded like a dying cow. But the fact is, I LOVED MY LORD. I embraced the pain and I rejoiced in it.
What a change of heart and what comfort I felt. Then on the way over the freeway pass, I saw it. A bright shinging star falling from the heavens... Just for me. And it was God. MY GOD. My personall God who lovs me so much, He makes a star fall from the heavens to the earth, just to show me he loves me.
The first night I talked to Chris, I saw a shooting star. And I wished for Chris. And then the night that I let him go... I see another one. I am ready God. I 'm ready to grow up. To follow my heart. And to live out my dream.
Chris, I'm sorry. I wish things could be better. But again, thank you for everything. Even the mean things. Because as I grow up I will NEVER forget what you taught me. And everytime I see a firefighter or a paramedic, I will ALWAYS say a prayer for you. You will NEVER be forgotten. And you are ALWAYS in my heart. Like I said that one night, you are AMAZING. You are one of a kinda. You are wonderful. You are great. But you're just no the guy for me.
On that topic, God is amazing. Because I am done with settling for losers and guys who um... yeah... Someday, I'm going to meet a man who loves the Lord.. and loves me. And hey, it is possible. So why am I being impatient and settling for less? Because I'm a loser.
In Christ's Amazing Love,
Me  |
Numb All Over...
