we saw our puppy on monday as we will be every monday now. he is 3 1/2 weeks in these pictures.

ps- we decided to name him Juan Kau Pandito which means "original little panda dog" for the spots on his back.

      i suppose it's time for an update.

well, first off, i'm not gonna lie and say things are good. they're not. i don't have an ounce of joy right now. i'm not happy. the only thing i have right now is hope. and faith.

i'm not saying those things to be all depressing and negative, but to be honest.

i can't go into details. no worries about me. this is just a trial of life. i'll be fine. just know that all i need is prayer.

on a lighter note, i am excited. me and tony are getting a puppy!

it's a chihuahua. tony surprised me on monday by taking me to a breeder's house he found online. she was very nice and was definitely serious about her breeding.

they brought out three 17-day-old boys-




and we chose this one-



it's super cute b/c on his lower back he has black spots that look like a panda's face. i'm pretty sure we have a name picked out now. but it's spanish and i don't remember all of it lol.

we'll get him when he's about 8 weeks old. it seems so far away lol. but we'll get to visit him on occasion so he'll get to know us.

that's pretty much it in a nutshell.

ttfn

it's time for some honesty-

everyone knows when i watch a musical or some movie that has to do with music, i get inspired. well, tonight i watch chicago (yeah i know- great one for inspiration lol). after it finished, i sat down at my keyboard after not playing for a couple of months. i start playing one of my songs.

right now, the best i can do with my songs is play block chords. for the longest time i've been trying the next step of advancing my piano music. every time i get frustrated because i'm just not good enough at piano yet.

that's why i don't practice as much. i have nowhere else to go with it.

i sat down and only played for a few minutes before i stopped and just sat there feeling incredibly hopeless.

i have screamed out to God so many times asking Him for guidance. and it hasn't felt like He's listening. so now, i'm downhill again not reading my Bible and not praying. i made myself mad at Him for the first time in my life.

i got over being mad at Him, but the thirst, the desire, wasn't back.

the other night i believe i discovered that incubator records doesn't exist anymore, or at least their website is inaccessible. the one thing i had all my hopes in. gone.

but now while i just sat there, i think God opened my eyes to why i'm going nowhere. i've had no one to teach me or lead me to go further. not to mention i've neglected Him.

i need to go back to school. so much.

He opened my eyes to other things i need to focus on getting together first. you know it's just like when we were kids. "clean up your room, then you can go over to your friend's house." instead it's much bigger- God says, "clean up your life, then you can serve Me." i can't serve Him properly without having my own life in order.

i need to be literally cleaner, i need to focus on my marriage, i need to organize organize organize, and most importantly, i need to focus on Him and dig into His Word and prayer.

but yet, it all seems too hard. i know what i need to do now, but i still feel hopeless. i feel helpless. anxious. overwhelmed. like i don't have enough time.

and in deeper honesty, i wasn't ready to grow up so fast. i wasn't ready. i wasn't ready to get married. i wasn't ready to live a life so full of responsibility, to have it thrown at me so quickly.

don't get me wrong. i love tony so dearly, and i intend to live God's sovereign will.

God, i know what i need to do. PLEASE grant me the strength to do it.