www.xanga.com/nevergonnagetouttahere

Go to that.  It's my new xanga, and I hope you all enjoy it.

Currently Playing Simple Things By Zero 7 Simple Things see related

The best band in hardcore, Norma Jean.

Did you know Norma Jean, Demon Hunter, As I Lay Dying, Skillet, Kutless, Falling Up, Chevelle, Dead Poetic, Haste the Day, Pillar, Underoath, and Zao are all Christian heavy metal bands?  Personally I listen to each band and have a CD from each formation except Skillet, Kutless, and Zao (which feature members of Society's Finest and Alyssa knows who I'm talking about...can you believe it?!).  I listen to so many Christian hardcore bands, and I'm such an anti-Christian.  How ironic!  Are Christian heavy metal bands just bands with positive lyrics or religious aspects in their songs?  I was surprised to find out Norma Jean was a Christian band, but hey...I don't care.  It's not the religion that drives me away from something/someone.  It's the readiness people have to press it upon your own beliefs and make you doubt your foundations.  That's what I have against Christianity and it's representatives, and those bands, I was so surprised to find out they were categorized in that genre.  They are like...SERIOUSLY HEAVY...not some of them like Falling Up, Kutless, or Skillet, but like..Zao remind me of Society's Finest, Underoath and Haste the Day sound a bit the same...umm...Norma Jean reminds me a bit of Hatebreed, which are my second favorite hardcore band.

OH P.S. for anyone who really cares how i feel right now; here goes...I'm sick and tired of my mom always saying she's so disappointed with me lately because i don't do a sport and am not in a volunteering program despite the fact that i have a 3.5 GPA (which i know isn't the best i can do) and am in the creative writing club, literary magazine club, gsa (gay-straight alliance), and key club.  despite taking such an active roll in school and in my classes, i'm still so disappointing to her.  I've learned from all this the simplest things; live by your own standards.  If you feel you're adding so much and too much to what you need to do, then you probably are.  Don't asphyxiate yourself with the work and activities you do/need to do/want to do.  Involve yourself in what lights your intrigue, and go with it.  Be yourself and fight for yourself, because no one else will.  Go beyond the point of expectation of others, and do it for yourself so that you feel good about yourself.  Going above and beyond the simple call-of-duty will only bring more self-confidence within yourself, and this prepares you for the world outside this littl niche. 

"Fairytale Cycles"
Here
A handful of roses
Acting as wretched kisses.
Maybe we'll find god
In the wastebasket filled of
Memories.

Something blessed upon
Your sweaty palms
Hibernates from sunlight.
This thing ticks
And it tocks
To a rhythm of
Dali clocks.

The long hymn bleeds through.
Stomaching static,
Vision's overshadowed by rare breaths;
Short of breath.

What did you see there?
I saw two palms
Clenched tightly over a pair of eyes,
Mournful eyes.
Her sweat, it's tears.

Here, a mark layed upon
Bloodied lips.
Here, a dream marks
Only transition.
Here, what did you see here?

-eerie look-

attractive or unattractive? 

oh by the way...thank you so much for all the comments last post; those were a lot of effin comments!  thanks, guys.  it made me feel better.

EDIT: the most random people that hate me have subscribed to my xanga lol, but they never comment.  Smart idea!  I wish I knew half the people that read this thing.  It'd make things less odd whence commenting.  :sigh: can't get my ears done by alyssa friday...but maybe nadir would like to pierce my labret for me?  ...just as long as my parents can't see it so i'm not castrated and then beheaded and then condemned for my transgressions lol.

EDIT2: I totally fucked my xanga up, BUT I finally got the playlist working.  Positive?  ugh...lol.

OK FUCK IT I'M GOING BACK TO nevergonnagetouttahere AND POSTING THIS ENTRY AGAIN AND REMAKING THAT XANGA TONIGHT!  ALRIGHT, WISH ME LUCK AND EVERYONE CAN FIND ME AT nevergonnagetouttahere.

goodnight to this xanga cuz i fucked up on it...i'll make another one when i have the time <3.

Currently Playing In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3 By Coheed & Cambria The Light and The Glass see related

Don't take me so literally.  I didn't mean by that last entry that I'd want my lover to hold my wound while I was dying.  Of course I want that!  It was a metaphor for pains and troubles and being hurt; for the lover to be there in times of need, not just in times of fun and what not. 

There were thousands of days as we traveled down North Road, and I remember my uncle on his last day.  How I would kill to shake his hand again, and on goes the battle of years upon years.  My father's eyes bring me solace, and his look of focus I try to instill.  As my mother reads as an example of strength beyond strength, and with her I became me.  There are two girls with whom I've known longer than anyone, and my debt to them is lifetime.  The gathering of boys I rely on know exactly who they are, and I will build their protection with bloody hands.  Some were dealt knuckles and some delivered kisses, but initially my heart was in the right position.  There are times when being engulfed by mountains are the only signs of safety I know, and I realize I think this way out of neglection.  At the exact thought, I reclaim those days of scenery.  There are places like the bluffs in Kasilof and the gravel pits in Sand Lake that most of us will never forget.  Those are the things I wanted to speak of.  Those are the things that I dream about.  Those are the things I will definitely die with.

^^^  3:30 at Alyssa's house; reason to seem grumpy : ).

"Is someone thinking of you..."

But you had better things to do, liar.

EDIT:

Currently Playing Final Straw By Snow Patrol Run see related

What Mr. Kennedy's wound looked like.  To imagine...His wife kept the back of his skull that was blown out to the rest of his skull for over an hour and a half.  What was she thinking during that time?  Does shock last that long as to not allow reality so sink in?  That must've taken so much love and devotion and strength; a man she loved so dearly has just been shot away right next to her, and he stayed alive so much longer because of her?  Or did he die upon impact?  I'm not quite sure, and it's not entirely important.  She didn't even know if what she was doing would save him.  She just did it out of pure love and emotion and care for her lover; not out of sympathy.  She did not act out of sympathy for her own husband.  It may have lingered as an afterthought, but in the while, it wasn't.

That's what I want.  I want a lover who'll hold my wounds and try to stop my bleeding in hopes of keeping me alive to breathe another minute in with them. 

DENIED BAIL?!?

BUT WHY ON EARTH WOULD ANYONE EVER DENY THAT WONDERFUL MAN BAIL?!  HE DESERVES TO BE OUT THERE IN THE REAL WORLD, PEOPLE!  He's only a mentally defective genius!  Egh.

EDIT: It's 4:13 AM, and I woke up at 3 AM after falling asleep at 8 PM.  Does anyone know what that means?  AHH!!!  I broke my insomnia!  Well, I did for at least now.  I'm so happy and sooooooooooo proud lol.  Egh...okay.  By the way, the second pic is supposed to be of Charles Manson who appealed for bail not too long ago and was denied.  I wonder why...

EDIT2: I just found out my Norma Jean are a hardcore Christian metal band?  Who the fuck is hardcore and in the name of god?  Well, I already knew they were, because their lyrics have a great content of religious fervor.  Still, though, blah!  I still love 'em.

Getting too busy to make amends.

Currently Playing O God the Aftermath By Norma Jean Disconnecktie see related

Memphis Will Be Laid To Waste

Walk around the room with a glaze in your stare.
In your tuxedo suit. I will give it a name. Lower
your defenses. Lower your casket. Open the door
and open your grave. Murder. Now you're doing the
waltz with your murderer. Mediocrity is the killer.
You find yourself helpless. Christ is not a fashion,
fleeting away. He laid emeralds in her eyes, but I'd
already tried a bracelt made of gold and a scarlet
thread around her wrist. Everything was wrong so we
sang sentimental songs. "Oh how seldom we belong but
how elegant our kiss." We painted crooked lines but
danced in perfect time to a love so much refined, we
know not what it is until like a dullen wine we pour
into a grief know before but never quite like this.
All i know now is regret, it follows like a silhouette
along the cobbelstone behind me, but has nothing to
say except to innocently ask, its voice delicate as
glass, "Do you see me when we pass?" but i continue on
my way.
-NJ

I had writte something, but then my computer completely fucked up and froze.  I restarted and lost the entry.  I'm going to rewrite a different one, because I need to get this off my chest.

I introduced her to a Summer's Wonderland, which became a beheading of Alice by the ending.  Invited her to all the illegal substances she could dream of and those of which she knew nothing about.  I remember encouraging her on to sip that Cherry icee chased with vodka to let us know how it tastes and if more should be added.  Now she's knocking of J.D. in her household, and I'm to blame.  So many things, and I'm to blame.  I yell at her and get angry with her...And I'm to blame.  Why do I enfuriate myself with something that I helped create?  This was never my intention.  My intentions were pure, but I went around everything the wrong way.  Beautiful moments only make me contemplate the things that went wrong.  I'm not meant for happiness, and I don't expect to ever find it any longer.  Whenever something wonderful happens, I find ways of defacing it and taking whatever I can at face value just so I can say I walked away with something worthwhile; even if it was your innocence.  Right now...I'm sitting in this big black chair and listening to the new Norma Jean cd, which I've been listening to since 7 this evening when Alyssa picked me up to go the mall.  I've made so many reckless decisions in the past, and I've kept up with so many bad habits.  I've let so many of my friends fall victim to substance abuse and even myself.  I've agreed on it, and I've complied, compromised the times at which I'd take certain amounts and doses.  I don't want to be just some average anybody.  This is so average.  This is so rampant.  This is so normal, and I've put myself in the middle of it.  I've learned that my entries are entirely incoherent to an outsider who knows not what I'm talking about.  I apologize, but this is a rant.  My older entries used to be beautiful.  Even if you didn't know what I was talking about, it was beautiful to read regardless.  Where did my touch go?  Where did I veer?  Why am I not where I want to be?  Why can't I get there?  How long will it take to find equilibrium?  Who can answer me?

No one, because no one knows.  I even doubt there is stable ground, but that is pessimism, not realism, speaking on my behalf.

I invited her into the kingdom, and she was welcomed by all the subjects and by royalty.  They chewed her up, and they forced her to play their games.  Her being naive, she went along, and she still does.  She does not realize the burning sensation she's caused; that I've caused myself.  I'm to blame for all of this.  I'm the one who did this to her; used her as a pawn.  I didn't mean to; not my intention; not in my interest to.  What is my interest?  I never had one; not with her.  Then why so expendable?  Why use such poor judgement as to taint something you considered so immaculate?  Why did you mistake her for something cheap and simple?  Oh, you idiot!  You took her by her throat and cut her hair short.  You cut her breath short.  You blessed her with readings from the Unholy Book.  What a sentence you've become!  What a sentence you're forming with her own life!  Where'd you go wrong, and how are you trying to fix it?  Isn't anything right any longer?  Can't you do anything right anymore?  Are you so fucking stupid that you put your own friends, even people you consider your best friends, so deep in the heart of evil?  You embed their lives and their mental and physical health in the palms of the unholiness, and then you act as though everything went accordingly.

YOU KNOW THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN, COCKSUCKER!  You really just are a cocksucker, and that's all you can ever be.  Why?  You treat people as though they're fucking expendable, and then you come back for a little peace of mind; not because you want forgiveness, you shit, but because you want closure.  You want to not feel guilty any longer!  You're so fucking pathetic.  Just lock yourself in your room with your stupid, fucking emo music, you 'Cure' freak, and never come out and never communicate with anyone.  No one wants you around here any longer, you pathetic fuck!  Just fucking leave.

"The Entire World is Counting on Me, And They Don't Even Know It"
Running away from this earth, may it pass away in the beautiful flames that it was created in.  Because when tomorrow fails to come, today is just not the same.  Inflamed earth, roses in this hope.  For all that I care, set it ablaze.

"It Was as if A Dead Man Stood Upon Air"
Rewind the cycle.  My regret is the world that I created.  Regret the kiss that sealed my fate.  Rewind, rewind it all again.  Rewind the silver that was my price.  I think I will take a walk and rest my soul; a cylindrical head resting in the arms of a circular rope.  Rewind this cycle; this endless cycle.

Fine, I'm gone.

Be your own wishing well this time.