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| Sigh.You know, I'm not even positive if anyone reads these anymore.
Although, I used to vent here, and I'll do it again. I also used to enjoy my time here, with some close people.
Over the past three years I've changed, at times for the worst, some for the better, and in the end I'm a better person. Although, why do I still feel so shitty?
I've come to realize that I miss what I once had. I miss the group of friends that I had, the group of friends I pushed away, when all I had to do was tell them the truth. I don't understand why it took me so long to understand this, and trust anyone to see me for me.... and I regret it more than anything. I wish to god that I could change how I came to be the person I am today, and change how I got here. I wouldn't change who I am now, because through it all I think I became a better person in the end, and have rid myself of my plague.
I still cannot forgive myself for it though... We spent hours together, doing nothing, doing something, doing anything. Why did I have trust issues my entire life, I still haven't found a real reason beside excuses. I think it may have been the fact that I saw my parents at weak points in their lives and I wanted to stay strong? But why the lies? Why did I develop that trait. I cannot fathom why I continued it either. I was accepted, welcomed, and befriended by some of the greatest people I have ever met (and most likely ever will).
I will never forgive myself for what I did, to myself, to my friends, even to my enemies. I wish that I could go back in time, or find a way to reconnect with some of these people but these times seem long gone. The Hours of summer road trips, the random adventures, the Nerd Parties. Even with real life amassing around us, I never felt strain or despair when it was alive. Again, it comes back to the point, the most non-trivial characteristic that ever described me. I had people who did their best to help me change, point it out in the nicest way possible, and hell some even just tried to deal with it. So why did I push it all away?
I wish I could understand it, I wish I could forgive myself.
And with that, I'm moving, I've riddled myself with this question for too many months, and seen no improvement. I am hoping that moving south to California will at least let me find a way to not hurt others around me, and find a new life. Somewhere where I can stop obsessing about my past. Somewhere where I can start fresh.
For those who read that, and know what I'm talking about... this is for you; I'm Sorry. I'm sorry to those I lied to, sorry to those I hurt, but I am most sorry that I pushed you away when you tried to accept it. I'd never have the ability to say this to people in person, or show my weakness back then. I wish that I could be forgiven, but the odds are daunting.
You know who you are, you know what I did, and for it all, in the end; I am Sorry.
I wish that at some point, that I can connect again, have these memories back, cherish them again for how sacred they were, how much fun they were.... I am sick of looking back and seeing how blind I truly was. I want to be able to have these memories created in the future, but I believe that it will never come to be. I wish I could forgive myself, and I wish that you would forgive me.
Someone who was once very close to me, left me a note before this all happened.. and it still makes me think back. "Beilke your a great Man, never lose your terrifying optimism"....... I wish those words were true. I wish that I could consider myself a great man, a great friend, a good person....
With those lies, I realize now, I slowly piece by piece dismantled myself, threw chunks of my optimism out the window, to the dust and across the plains. I want it back. I want to be myself, I want to be who I am today, but I want aspects of myself back that I miss. Not the bad ones, I'm done with those. I want the good ones back, the ones I used to be proud of having.
This rant will probably never be read by anyone but at least I said it, I needed to say it.
I miss you all, I miss those memories. I hate life for this aspect, I hate that we can never go back... that its all in the past... and never can be re-lived. That when you make a mistake, it stays with you forever.
I want to say Good Luck to everyone. I hope to see you again, I hope to be your friend again in the future. I want things to turn out good in the end.
Life is about changes it seems, and I have made a lot. I am ready to be a good man, ready to start again. I just want to be free of my past constraints, I want to be forgiven, I want to feel that closeness with my friends again. At the bottom of this long rant is years of pent up feelings, suppressed by lies, optimism, and blindness.
To those of you who read this, know that no matter how bleak you say you are, how lame your life is... you have touched me, you have touched everyone around you. Being apart of this group of people has turned us into good people. We resisted a lot of things and most of us did it. I failed, Many of you did not.
I hope that you can find it in you to believe what I say, the lies are done, the bullshit is through, I just want to have this burden removed from my shoulders. I've carried the weight of the world for far too long.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for making me who I turned out to be today, I thank you for trying to guide me here down the correct path. I'm sorry for taking the wrong one, but I appreciate the efforts.
Thank you to everyone.
If you read that all.... You have probably never seen this side of me before. Its me, barren, naked, open. It's not pretty, its not perfect, but its who I wish I could have been all along.
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| Reaction to 8/28/2007...
What I will label
this entry is.... "What cannot be
answered without a thorough definition argument beforehand...writing
log?"(It sure makes a lot of sense in my head)
My
initial reactions with my English course once we actually started lecturing
were fairly simplistic; mostly average students, some biased opinions, and a
few intelligible characters. Mr.
Shenk has us go around the room, spouting out the obvious introductions, and
asking us our personal expectations for the course. Fairly normal, and very common, I’m fine
with that... At the least, it does open
up a few of the more shy people, which overall does help us in a course where a
lot of the lecture is dominated by debate, and questioning. Yet, I still sat there at points listening
to the input of a few classmates about their views on Literature. I may have been making some grand
assumptions while listening to what they said, but it seems like so many people
in the course, either; care nothing for literature (or haven’t in the past at
least), or seem to hardly understand the concept of critical thinking or
actually enjoying it.
Again,
I’m jaded and apathetic, I can handle this, and after all it isn’t my life. We begin discussing a fairly simple picture
that appears in our critical thinking book.
A picture of an (apparent) family, at an (apparent) graduation day… with
their daughter (apparent graduate), and (apparent) son (I hope you get the
point by now). The teacher asks us to validate five
statements… all which can be answered with; True, False or Not able to Answer… The statements are along the lines of; it is
graduation day in the picture… The Family is prosperous… The son is proud of
her sister… etc. We’re asked to simply
respond and answer, and are eventually split into groups (at random, not based
upon our answers).
Upon
arriving in our group, we are given directions to discuss the questions, and
come to a conclusion as a group as to what the answer is. It takes our group literally 30 seconds,
(with mostly me and another older student spear-heading the operation) to come
to a 100% agreement on every single question (might I add, by simply answering
the first question). We sit here, for
what seems like an eternity, listening to the other two groups, debate, and at
some points use rationale. I am
listening to people argue that all these statements are undeniably true… The amount of ignorance we hear is
completely dumbfounding. It seems
completely unapparent to some people in the class that without many
requirements being fulfilled, that they cannot even possibly begin to acknowledge
the statements as truth.
We
began discussing this concept as a whole in class. Definite statements… Definitions… Things I
thought we went over at a much younger age (and education level). Matter of fact without clearing defining the
parameters in the statement, or gathering enough information, there is not a
moment where someone can conclude something as truth. We can assume that it is plausible, and
could mostly likely be truthful, yet without any proof or definition of terms
located in the statement, no answer can really be reached… other than the only
answer that fits our equation… We are completely unable to answer.
I could easily extend this into my beliefs on bias and education... yet... I'll save that for another day 
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| Ah!
I knew there was a reason to keep Xanga around.
I am actually going to be using my Xanga, to write Writing Logs for my English course. So, if you see some ca-razy, random rants on my xanga, just ignore them, or comment if you like.
Just an FYI.
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