introducin: this BiTCH

on heavy rotation: put that woman first

feelin: hella stressed out

dayum where to begin... shit amy if you reading this make sure your brother reads it too... cuz im tired of getting my hopes high with him... its always like that, one day ill be happy then the next day he disappoints me again. dayum babe why you gotta do this shit to me??? am i really that of a bad girlfriend to you? im trying my best to satisfy you and make you happy i already went out of my way to see you just yesterday! we just had a long talk yesterday about you not doing the things you do and not calling me and shit but yet here you are doing it AGAIN whats up with that babe? and you know you aint supposed to go no where so why you be leaving? what do i have to do to get shit through your fucking thick head??? damnit beb your on house arrest and that means no leaving your house! you cant even do a SIMPLE thing for me... its so simple baby... im begging you... i told you this already I DONT WANT TO CRY ANYMORE!!! i thought after yesterday and shit i wasnt going to be crying for a while but yet today i am... and i dont even know what the hell is going on because you dont let me in your life... so what am i supposed to be? just a girl on the side that you talk to whenever you feel like it or when you have the time? because thats what it feels like... if you want to be in a relationship with me its gotta go both ways... we both have to listen to each other i already changed for you and youve seen it and oyu know it so why cant you do it for me? you cant even do a simple thing for me ... JUST ONE CALL.. is it that hard??? i dont know what to do anymore... its like my feelings change constantly from what your putting me through i dont even know what to feel anymore fuck! why you gotta do stupid shit like this??? its pointless... your risking your shit... if you go out you could get caught get in trouble by your p.o if you go out... you dont call me at all then i start to stress out then we fight ... AGAIN is that what you want to do? risk everything you have??? you wanna risk even ME??? think about it... PLEASE....

ear candy: you got it bad// making love

feelin: happy// like shit (sorry amanda)

roccin them: green

this is the third day in a row i havent slept at all and the second day i havnt eaten... what am i doing to myself thank goodness its all better now... lately i been hella stressin over shit and i just had to see behbeh today... i havnt talked to him for a week straight and i been hella worried and i couldnt take it any more so i kind of ran away today since i didnt want to go to the hospital either. my parents were going to send me since i was so depressed and i couldnt stop shaking... its just stress.... so i called up phillip and asked if he seen my behbeh lately and i started crying good thing phillip's a nice guy he was trying to help me calm down and think of a way to help me see or talk to my behbeh so he gave the phone to ak... me and ak had a little talk about whats been going on lately and how my behbehs been feelin and offered to give me a ride to his house... i was so nervous and scared i didnt want behbeh to get mad at me and by the time we got there he was shocked to see me and tried hiding from me... thanks to ak and phillip for talking to him and convincing him to talk to me and run after me cuz i started to leave and walked off and all of a sudden i just fell... fainted i guess... it was weird i was feelin dizzy and just fell... then behbeh came to my rescue and picked me up and i started to cry and hugged him real tight... i MiSSED YOU SO MUCH HUNNiE! muah! dayum... just wanted to say a BIG THANK YOU to AK and PHILLIP for helping me out today! you guys are great! after ak and them left i stayed at my hunnies house... i didnt want to go home cuz of the whole hospital shit... and i missed my best girls dance performance and i hate myself for it... IM SO SORRY AMANDA! you know i dont mean to do the things i do... i just got scared and decided to run off to get away from the situation... i hope your not mad at me... you and cody have been there for me and helped me out through problems and i just wanted to say THANK YOU! you guys are the best and i couldnt ask for more in a friend... you always there for me whenever i need you amanda... and everytime you have freetime you never hesitate to say no to me whenever it comes to having me over your house and eating all your food and watching t.v. you treated me like a sister and your the only friend i have never had any problems with in being hypocritical or being a backstabber... because your not like that... your always there for me as much as you can as soon as you can... dayum girl i love you! cody too! dont worry ill repay you somehow and for missing your dance concert ill repay also not because i have to but because you deserve the best from a friend... your the greatest!

anyway...after ak and phillip and them left me and hunnie watched gothica together and ate a little bit... hah! my baby cant cook! aawwww its ok though you tried! then i tooka shower cuz i was feelin all icky and stuff from when i fell in the dirt and it took me a while to put on some clothes cuz i had to wear my hunnies clothes...sheesh beb i need to take you shopping... saw amy when she got home... she told me about alex... awww poor guy.. hehe... hope your doing better... me and behbeh pretty much just chilled and we played a little bit of slap boxing... i won! of course! i had to leave early cuz mommy found out where i was but its all good... i had fun... and i got to convince them not to send me away just have a little check up thats all... miss you behbeh! muah!

introducin: a broken heart

bumpin that shit: can you help me, you got it bad, just listenin tuh the baby boy usher// its so hard to say goodye

mood//feenin: its kind of obvious

so much things to say...i dont know where to begin... i know i cant take it back and like a friend said you gotta live wih your decision. its time... time to change, get my shit straight, stop being immature and stop being so selfish and just thinking about myself... like a lot of people say you never know what you had until its gone and thats exactly what happened to me...its not too late for me to change but i guess its too late at the time i decided to change and i have to deal with it... but like you said a person cant change in one day and it takes a while... and i know its been a year and you think i havnt been trying... but like you told me once... its hard... and i didnt believe you until i had to go through it myself but now its your turn to turn your back on me and i fully understand... i pushed you too much to be there for me emotionally and mentally. i was so selfish and i didnt even give you the time of day to talk it out... i let my insecurity from my past get to me... i let it sink into me and took it out on the ones i love.. maybe because all i thought was you were going to hurt me so i would rather hurt you first... but now im starting to learn not to take it out on the people whos trying to be there for me and who really loves me... i shouldnt let my insecurity blame you guys... i guess i really wasnt trying hard enough, i guess i really didnt give you enough, i guess i really didnt love you enough, no, not i guess, i really didnt and you were right... it maybe too late for me and you but at least now i know... and so i promise myself for the next man to into enter my life will get nothing but the best of me and the best pf my love, the best of my treatment... the best of everything from me and on that i can assure myself because now i know and now i have learned. i cant change the past but i can learn from it and i hope the next man i fall in love with will treat me as good as you did or even better. and im sure you will find someone to treat you better because there are a lot of great girls out there for you that you truly deserve... the one who can treat you right, always there for you emotionally mentally and physically... i fucked up really bad and i fucked up big time... and now all i can do to make up for it is to treat the next man in my life the best as can be and thats a promise that im truly keeping...

its time to learn from my mistakes... its time for a true change and even though we will never be together im still going to change for you because you helped me realize the shit i do and you helped me learn and you helped me to become a better person... all you did was try to help me and all i did was push you away and even though our relationship has died i am still choosing to turn myself around not only because you been wanting me to but for the better for myself and others. i have learned to start loving myself and accept myself and especially believe in myself that i can change and can become a better a person now thats something i can prove... not that i want to prove you wrong but because i dont want to hurt anyone any more especailly the next time i fall in love this time im making sure this person has the best of me and only the best... im glad that i at least had a chance to be with you but if i could go back i wouldnt have gotten with you knowing i would hur you... but yet i thank you for making me realize