| Alright Tyler, here it goes . . . Life lately has been complex, I sat back and asked myself why I was living my life the way that I had been. I didn't know why I did things day by day, like working, and being a good girl, not doing anything wrong, always happy, never telling people when they upset me, and not showing my hurt except to a select few people. The problem with telling only a few people about my problems is that most of my close friends are boys and they don't really care, not in a bad way, I just know it to be the truth. So I started doing whatever I felt like doing. I told people how I felt at work, I didn't limit myself to things that wouldn't "hurt their feelings." A lot of people blame Josh, which is wrong, Josh didn't change me. I did everything myself. I hurt inside a lot and the ways that I was trying to deal with it didn't work. My whole life I was taught to depend on God, hold on, I was TOLD to depend on God. No one ever actually showed me what it looks like, no one taught me how to do it, they just TOLD me what to do, or influenced me. When I didn't know what school to go to, they told me to pray about it, I did, I still had no idea. To this day, I don't know what I am doing. I was so sad, so angry, I decided that the way of life I was TOLD to live, but never taught wasn't working. So I took upon myself to try to fix things myself. I tried smoking, it calmed me down, I didn't feel as hurt inside, I wasn't so hyper. Josh hated to say it, but he told me he liked me better when I was smoking because I was more calm. Honestly, I probably did try it because I was tired of being put on a pedestal by everyone at work, I wanted to be just like everyone else. I don't like sticking out. I don't want people to think that I am better than them. I just want to be ME! I am tired of everyone telling me who I am, or who I should be. Why can't I just do whatever I want? Why do I have to live up to everyone else's expectations, and yes even you had expectations for me, remember? "You aren't the Jerrica I know, I want the Jerrica back that doesn't have to be like everyone else." I am so sick of it! I just want people to leave me alone, and I know that you were saying that out of love, and concern, but to me, at the time, you were just like everyone else. Everyone who tells me that I am too good for that, or that I am better than that. I think that is why I was so intrigued by Derek, he got tired of everyone telling him how to be and what to do, so he just quit. I just happened to be going through that exact thing right then, not a good mix huh? I know I am someone who is very easily influenced, but I am going to try to change that. I don't know what else to tell you . . . I am trying, I have realized that I am different for a reason. I realized that I pushed Emma away, yes, I was growing up, but I know that when I was around her, I felt what I really needed to do, I knew what needed to happen in my life but, I didn't want to yield to it. I wanted to do my own thing, make my own mistakes how you put it. I love you, and I want me back too, I think I am getting there. Please pray for me Tyler. (and anyone else who stumbles upon this) I love you. |
