okay, i admit that i need rest.  i need rest from school.  i want to just read a book all day and not worry about doing my homework.  i feel super burntout from the constant all nighters for finishing homework, and the constant stress from feeling overwhelmed from finishing my portfolio.  since i've moved to SF i've gained 20 pounds, and it really bothers me.  i have too much to homework to even have time to go to the gym or enough money to eat healthy.  And now that i'm lactose-intolerant, i can't have any dairy stuff or i'll feel sick all day, and dairy is one of the most widely accessible foods from resturants and groceries.  i don't have a proper kitchen to prepare anything, nor do i have a proper refrigerator in my tiny room to accomodate with any sort of healthy food.  the food that i get at the cafetria downstairs at my place make all of their food from butter, so it's not just me that gaining weight, EVERYBODY is getting fat from eating The Monroe breakfast and dinners.  i need a bigger room to accomodate with my growing amount of clothes and heels and books and fabric and pattern blocks and a life. 

AAARGG!!  i know i shouldn't be complaining; i know that anybody in this world would love to life on their own in SF with food included with rent while attending a fashion school.  (sigh), mostly i just want to relax after i graduate and work two jobs and not worry about school homework for a year, and then hopefully that would make time for me to go to the gym and then have money to spend on healthy items of nutrition. 

the stress that i get from Okaasan is not helping.  she just wants my money.  she just wants me to pay for her mistakes and then relay on me to make enough money so that she could live in luxury.  yeah, so not cool.  and she's soo dramatic about not having any more money that she might "jump over the building to kill her self" so shouldn't have to live with the shame of possibly living homeless for a while.  wtf?  she just doesn't have faith in her self that SHE can make it, so she relays  on other people to make money for her.  i get so sick everytime she calls me to tell me this, every freakin phone call is sad and drepressing as the last.  even Abi noticed that about her.  everytime she calls me, i immediately get depressed and then i have to let it all out on Abi, and even he's getting irritated about how my mom only calls to make me feel depressed.  i don't think i've had a happy conversation with her over the phone for more than a year now.  what kind of parent would do that to a child who's in college?  i don't think she knows that i've already got enough things on my plate to think about her. 

and no, i'm not being selfish.  i feel that i should not help her because she repeatedly begs me to become a celebrity so that we could have multiple homes and Louis Vuitton bags to live on and be rich like the rest of america.  what?  yeah, that's how i feel EVERYTIME she calls me.  every freaking time.  she can't give it a rest.  the only thing on her mind is money and it makes me sick.  she also gives me the gilt trip of "grandma's relaying on you make it as a designer in this world, so you better become a celebrity so you could help us get out of poverty".  and then she talks about how Palaina is a "good for nothing" and that he'll never change, so i need to pick up his slack and make her feel better that her children grew up to be the perfect Japanese family with fame and riches.  what kind of a parent thinks that way of their children?!  why can't she just encourage him to do well in life rather than making him feel like shit evey moment he's awake?  i personaly have confidance in Palaina that he's gonna make it well in this world.  some people need extra time to grow, and Palaina just happen to be one of those people.  It's not his fault that he wants stays out at night; rather, i think it's her fault that he's doing that.  maybe if she were to nourish with encouragement rather than bash him with insults and name-calling, he might actually not party every night.  he probably stays up all night with his friends because he wants to escape from her constant phsycotic rantings.  yeah, it's not hard to figure that out. 

that's exactly why i moved out from Hawaii.  i knew Okaasan would drive me crazy and out of my mind if i stayed there.  and thank God i did.  she's just one of those people that will never except others for who they are.  she can't except us for us. 

being said that, i feel that i'm gonna make it just fine in this world.  i don't know what my mom is talking about.  i know i will be able to pay for my own rent once i graduate, and i feel completely confidant that everything in my life is going to happen the way i want it to.  i just know it.  and even Abi knows it.  Abi and i completely feel confidant in each other and we know that were gonna make it. 

i have been keeping this ordeal for a while to myself, but i can't keep these feelings to my self anymore.  i needed to write this down.  i can't live my life if she's continually comparing me to other people.  thats not what parents do.  parents except and appreciate their children even if they end up as drug-dealing jailbirds.  and in that case, it's the parent resposibility to help them out of jail and the drug-dealing pattern. 

okay, that's enough.  this topic makes me sick.  lets talk about something else...