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| "He is restoring His people by rains of sweet renewal"tonight the Lord led me to psalm 143. It's intense, but that is how life is for me right now. It's exactly how I feel. I'm usually spinning in dizzying circles, fighting through storms and jungle brush by day, feeling lonely and weak by night. one day at a time, you know? sometimes thats the best way to approach life here. deep breath and one day at a time. It's a strange cycle and I'm trying to find my way out. But that can be really difficult because prayer has been difficult. It's like thats the enemy's prime time for attack-which is mean. I'm finding comfort in unexpected places and I haven't felt like myself in quite some time. It's weird, but God is still faithful. I'm counting on His mercy and holy Hand on my life. I'm encouraged by David's words regardless-and for now, that is enough. Psalm 143(niv)A psalm of David. 1 O LORD, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief. 2 Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you. 3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead. 4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed. 5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done. 6 I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Selah 7 Answer me quickly, O LORD;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit. 8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul. 9 Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD,
for I hide myself in you. 10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground. 11 For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. 12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant. | | |
| God is so incredibly huge. If nothing else, that is surely the reality He is repeatedly throwing my way. I have been really deeply moved by so much lately. Like the tinyest little thing is impacting me in a deep way.Its like my eyes have been growing over the past four years extensively and since getting back from Africa it's like they doubled in size. As has my heart, to be able to accomodate the intense love for those in Nigeria. God is such a great big Lord who breathes life into us in America and cares about us stressing about a disagreement with a friend...and yet breathes the SAME life and hope and faith into an African village who wonders, but never gives up, where their next meal is coming from. Who join together in worship and raise their hand to the lord and marvel at the marvelous things He has done! It's amazing to attend something like Mass too...and see the universality of the Church...and people who have so much hope when things appear so lost. Who hug and laugh and cry and smile and high five just like anybody-but with a passion for life I have rarely seen.It's like prayer is the fuel on which they run by-and that is how I want my life to be.... You can never really explain feelings like that...to really begin to understand what matters and what doesn't. To worship with those who don't speak your language and to immerse yourself in the beauty of another culture. Where people rely and fully depend on the God we sometimes choose to thank for the blessings He gives us. Like for so many I met, their DAY is like a walking prayer. Their life is on loan from the Lord-and they know it. They live in service to Him and it's evident in every single thing that they do. Being around them makes you want to be closer to God. They make you WANT to spend time with Him. It was like a window into the very path to the heart of God. I seem to spend a lot of time wondering when the victory is coming and how i can get ready and keep fighting and I read the most awesome thing is the "Utmost" devo today. The victory IS here...the battle is still here, too...and the fight but we are not fighting in order to win...the fight comeswhen we surrender our wordly weapons and accept what the Lord gives us with which to fight! The fighting is to get over ourselves and our wills and our consistent desire to have things our way and to choose NOT to hear God's voice. Instead of shutting us out when we do that, God allows us to strengthen our hearts but fighting through-with a guarentee to win. And yet somehow we still get so discouraged and so brokenhearted at the sight of us potentially losing-forgetting that Jesus already won EVERYTHING! And also, its amazing to me to see how inadequate I really am to be a soldier for the Lord. I mean, we...as humans are so broken and weak. All of us...and yet the mroe I read the scriptures...the more I realize that Jesus spent so much of His time with the inadequate. And God never raised up the perfect human specimens who would do everything right the first time and woulnd't doubt and would trust and love others like He did. He took people....and makes all things NEW! He turns broken into whole, messy into clean....despair into hope. That includes the people who followed Him. We don't have to be down on ourselves and eat the scraps from His table. Instead He invites us to have the place of Honor (crazy, right?) next to Him. He says "You are my BELOVED!!!!" Wow, man. Psalm 147:3-5: 3 He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds. 4 He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name. 5 Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
his understanding has no limit. Then I heard this amazing song off Bethany Dillons new cd called "You are on our side" and it talks about this very thing! it's amazing! Gos is so purposeful! And yet, theres so much in my life that screams PURPOSE but I have noooooooo idea what the purpose is. I'm learning how to keep trust and high spirits even when I feel like collapsing and/or crawling into a teeny ball. God is so very much on our side...and He cares so much-even about the small stuff. Such a faithful, extremely beautiful God... | | |
| I haven't written here in such a long time, although a lot of times I will write xanga entries in my head as I go through certain things or situations. I have actually gotten into writing on paper, which has been a blessing because I have always wanted to be a physical journal writer...but I think there is a lot of grace in xanga land, too. What is interesting is that my xanga friends all seem to be going through rejuvenation and rebirth. Like this is a brand new start, either physically, or emotionally or spiritually. That is how is for me, too. The difficult part about rebirth and starting again is the change, because you realize you have to leave some things behind and embrace new things. You have to pick yourself up and adapt and move forward, trusting God is by your side holding your hand. In my life right now, it feels like God is throwing all kinds of new stuff and chanllenges at me, but coupling it with beautiful experiences and things I love. It's almost as if God is easing me into these new things, and trying to distract me from worrying too much about the difficult ones. He knows me so well-God is just really awesome! I am going to Africa in ten days. Nigeria, to be exact. To work with kids, to counsel HIV/AIDS patients and to encourage wome on the street. And, I feel I must share this with you- I don't really *want* to go to Africa. I mean yes I am excited, I've come to terms with the fact that I am going....but I have never had the desire or felt a call to go to different countries and continents. My purpose and reasons for going have been flipped around and turned upside down several times. There have been disappointments and setbacks and opposition-it's been a lot. But bottom line-God has sent me to go, and I am trying my best to be joyfully obedient. This is a huge opportunity to spread love, truth and compassion-and really, that is our call as Christians. So, there you have it. We leave on the 13th of August and return on the 27th. Please pray for me and my three other friends by name (me-Kristin, Joe, Bob and Jason) for we are the only ones going and yes, I'm a bit nervous. Pray for peace, purpose and the eyes and heart to see a vision. We are going to vision cast for my church and so we need to be aware, alert, and able to soak in all that we can. May we be open to all the Lord has in store, and may He protect us and And please pray for my tummy-it does not handle traveling well How the heck is everyone? Please updaet me on your life as I update myself by reading all your entries I have missed! | | |
| it's been awhile, but after some xanga friend prodding, I guess it's time to web-evaluate God's workings... God's work in my life has, as always, been really amazing...I just have not been able to see it myself. He has set up various opportunities in my life that have kept me from just falling over the edge. I've wanted to, I've felt like that's my only option sometimes...but if I have learned anything, it's that God doesn't abandon. I've been learning about truth, honesty and direction. I have been learning about relationships, and God's power over it all. I've learned that words are precious, and to use them carefully and not in vain. My thought life has been a disaster...and I know God is working on that, which is causing a bit of pain. I've been a weak follower after the Lord...but I am also learning that is all He needs. Sometimes I have the attitude of hiding and waiting to come to the Lord once I have recovered and gotten myself under control. This is NOT the way to go to our most Holy God with a genuine and hungry spirit. It is not God's will for us to calm our own fears and soothe ourselves with our own "it'll be alrights...". There's not excuse why I feel sometimes I have to be presentable before God, because whenever I'm not is when He works the deepest Really, I'm just prolonging healing processes. To open up the door even a little bit..God amazes me with results...even when I don't see or hear Him. Lately, God has been challenging me to let go of my old way of life...even if I thought it was fine and under control. I think i get so consumed with things being smooth and reaching a certain level in order for our lives to be an "appropriate Christian in college girl" and if there is anything that has been turned upside down for the past ten months it's that. I have been so wrapped up in issues with sickness and such in my family, and self identity and past problems and concerns with friends.....my heart can't find rest. Before I sleep it takes at least half an hour for my heart to slow...and i have been falling asleep trying to clear my mind and put it at rest. Anxiety can be the perfect obstacle to keep us from resting in the Lord. But the Lord has been telling me lately "Will you quit working so hard to restore things to the way they were? These changing relationships, these new problems, these unforseen circumstances, these obstacles to your passions-they are part of My new life for you. Let Me do something new and change things around. Open your mouth is all I ask of you. Lock eyes with Me, and I will put in you a new song! You cannot recieve it by flailing about and crying in your bed about changes and lonliness...that will make it harder for you to learn, to sing back to me...I have many things planned for you-Get up, my daughter, it is time for a new melody, a new dance a new spirit..." He calls us to be His chosen one: "They were singing (what seemed to be) a new hymn before the throne, before the four living creatures and the elders. No one could learn this hymn except the hundred and forty-four thousand who had been ransomed from the earth" (rev 14:3). The psalms go on and on and on abut new songs, and I am learning what that can mean and what power that can have...He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.(psalm 40:3) God's good....I am learning to trust that God sends love before you hit empty...and that God never wastes a hurt. :) So-praise Him for faithfulness, discipline and power...and the fact that He remembers our promises and does not let us forget them! ps: if someone told me that for the price of $200 i could graduate right now and be finished-i'd totally do it. | | |
| Greetings from France!
All I hear is French! I long for English restaurants and pasta..haha!
but im learning a lot, and unforunetely I don't mean learning a lot of French. Just about myself and prayer. I asked for my dependence on the Lord to increase, and it certainly is scaling upwards. He brings a new meaning into everything, even things that seem mundane, boring, or pointless. Even sitting in my french 1 class...where I don't understand anything... I just look around and see all these people from all around the world struggling to learn a totally new language and even communicate with each other. It's really encouraging, actually..no matter how frsutrated I feel!
I am trying to make the most of my time here. It may take all the strength I have, I'm going to get everything out of this trip that I can! Hope all is well and everyone's summers are starting off great!
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