I started advisor training at Rice tonight. It's funny because I really assumed that during this momentous return to Rice I would feel competely different, big, confident, knowledgeable, impressive, mature, etc, but instead I feel pretty much the same feelings that I had when I first came to Rice as a eighteen year old freshman. I still sense an incredible amount of disconnect. I don't know whether or not to be concerned about this, because I think that the reasons are entirely different. When I was a freshman it was almost entirely out of inexperience, whereas now, I just think that my standard of living (circumstantially) has completely evolved. I'm used to having my own spaces and spending time with people that already know me extremely well. That's much easier than getting yourself out there and meeting a whole bunch of new people that are on a completely different level. I'm dealing with the gay issue all over again, and I have to come out to a whole new group of people. I just need to get out of my head and chill out, and then I think everything will be alright. It's good practice for the semester to come, which will be a much bigger challenge for me. I'm so worried about losing everything that I've developed in Houston this past year...my friendships and also Matt. I can't believe that I've met someone so incredible and embarked on something so wonderful, and I have to just leave it behind. There are times when I have so much faith in us and our ability to overcome a long time apart after only having been together for a bit, and then there are other times when I believe I don't really know him yet at all and I can't trust him. Fuck Paul for messing that one up for me. I'm still not sure if he cares about me as much as I do for him because it doesn't seem consistent, and is that just due to the fact that he doesn't feel comfortable showing me that all the time or because he's not feeling it all the time? I'm worried that he's just dating me to date. Though, in the end, I'm very much in love with him, at least at the level at which that can exist at this point of knowing each other. He's special, that's for sure.

It's been 1920 days since I've been a Xanga member. I'll go ahead and put on my lavalier.

Currently this site is a relic of my pre-college self. I just spent some time browsing old entries and I'm incredibly surprised by how unfamiliar I sound. I'm so disconnected with who I was that I can hardly imagine having formed many of these thoughts. But I also think that's very special. It's juxtapositional proof of the amount of change that occur in a seemingly short period of four years. I've only got one year left at Rice, and I'm finding it more and more necessary to keep up with writing (even informally) more frequently. I tried livejournal, but something about it just didn't feel right...so I'm gonna go with old faithful here. Xanga. Apparently the site has undergone massive overhaul in terms of format, so forgive my inexperience because I'm used to ways of yore.

I've been climbing up a hill the past several months. Sometimes it's a steep, craggy hill that I crawl upon, and sometimes it's grassy and soft and the incline isn't so bad, but I still feel like I'm constantly climbing. The good news is that every time I turn around, I'm a bit higher, and I've gained that much more persective of what's behind me. This summer has certainly catlyzed things, which I'm thankful for, but I suppose any major lifestyle shift might cause that. I'm filled with trepidation for what's ahead. Some days I'm ecstatic about the acting program in Connecticut, and other days I'm about ready to tell my parents I'll pay the placement cancellation fee, and then I can just stay at Rice, safe and sound....happy with the progress I've made in my life here. One thing's for certain...it. will. change. me. No matter what happens, I will become more self-aware of what I'm meant to do in this life (career wise.) I will always want to be a part of what theatre can offer, but we shall see to what extent.

There are so many choices to be made soon.

I'm sad to say that Xanga goers are a dying breed of bloggers. (Wow, say that ten times fast.) I have decided to move my thoughts over to MySpace, which seems to have the blog monopoly. Plus you can play songs on your site. I'ts just more fun........in general. See you there.

http://www.myspace.com/notjustaniceguy

These are the moments that only bless us through rare occasions of ethereal emotion; emotion that seeps out through every pore, that diffuses through every crevice, forming a river that flows through every empty space inside you, then, meeting at your heart, it swells until it explodes, bursting into a million shards that soar up into the night sky and become part of everything that surrounds you, until it's all beautiful.