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| I've realized very slowly that I'm depressed. I was trying to kid myself because since I didn't know what was bothering me, I concluded that I couldn't be upset about something I wasn't aware of. I've fallen out of touch and i don't know how to get back on again.
I haven't had a meaningful conversation or meeting with my friends in months-not since Digilife have I seen a one of you. Devin, you whom I look up to the most...when was the last time I spoke to you? I offer late condolances for your grandmother...I should have called you, but I didn't. When did I last remembered to wish you a happy birthday? Riva, you who have invited me to your home countless times, when have I simply just dropped in to say hello? I can't remember. Jane, I intend to honor my promise of meeting with you for your birthday even if it is the last thing I do. I miss you all...so very much...but can't even find the words or heart to say so for fear of sounding like a corporate copy response letter.
I was either lacking the time to do so, as well as the fear of not knowing what to say if I did. It wasn't my right-my place. I've lost value as a person and friend-your value is defined by what you have to offer. Well, what do I have? Nothing - but debt, involuntary unemployment, a lack of ambition and a lingering fear of success, nagging cynicism, and bad family ties. And even in this, I am a lesser being. There are people with worse lives than mine who still manage to succeed, press on and maintain healthy and functional relationships with other people. So why can't I do the same thing? There are so many things that I want to do, and as the days go by I simply just don't do them-I haven't got the will anymore. Lethargy has set in; I can't even be bothered to pick up the phone when my mother calls. What am I going to say to her-frankly, what is she going to say to me? When I first told her about how I felt, she simply told me I needed to pick up and move on, that I shouldn't feel that way. She's absolutely right, of course, but she speaks about it as if it's an ill fitting skirt that I can simply take off and put back on the rack if I so choose.
I'm pursuing a degree that I will do well in but have no real love for, and therefore, no drive. But I'll do it anyway for the sake of hopes of a fantastic paycheck. Money is a cruel master.
The career I originally wanted to go into-I burned to many bridges to go back, and did so without the equipment or capital I needed to move forward.
I'm in a relationship-there in body, floating in spirit. Really, what right do I have being there if I don't know what I want for myself? Making the poor boy miserable, is what; he really doesn't deserve that.
What am I doing there?
A better question is, what the hell am I doing here? What am I doing still alive, on this earth, sucking up valuable resources that would be better allocated elsewhere? I'm breathing in someone else's air, eating someone else's food-surviving at someone else's expense, with absolutely nothing to show for it?
What exactly is it that I am doing here?
Please don't mistake this blurb as a cry for help or empathy, as I need neither and pray that I am above the latter-but surely, surely, you have been there-here, where I am? How did you get out? What did you do?
Maybe by listening to someone else again, by talking to someone else, I can find my way back.
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| Beauty- what, the good Lord giveth, mankind cruelly takes away. | | |
| I haven't written on Xanga in forever, but I wanted to post this here in advance so i could see if we could get something together. The New York Anime Festival. It's December 7-9, and it's $30 for tickets for Friday, Saturday or Sunday, and weekend passes are $55. If we buy ticket bundles, it is $3 off each ticket in a packet of 10 or more for individual days ($27 each) and $5 off each ticket in a packet of 10 or more for weekend passes ($50 each). Personally, I'm considering purchasing a VIP Silver ticket (I admit, I'm in it for the sake set!) Khoran and I are planning to go Anyone else want to go, or planning to go? Let us know so we can go as a group. Need links to the site? There they are below. Hope to hear from you! Linkage to NYAF site. | | |
| My mom has a JVC Stereo Set, about 1985, that consists of a classic turntable, tape deck, equalizer and synthasizer. However, we think the power source needs to be fixed and the record player also needs a needle.. If anyone knows how to fix such a thing or knows of someone who can fix it at a reasonable rate, please let me know. | | |
| So, I kid you not-I woke up on the 12th and expect for a choir to awaken me. Well it certainly wasn't remeniscent of Chinese opera but my sister did wish me a happy birthday. And then I spent my day quietly. What I learned: It takes 5 Chinese men and a Irish manager to find out if there is a way to fake a NY State ID to keep what appears to be a 14-16 year old trying to purchase wine.
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I don't really look like I'm 14-16, do I? | | |
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