I hurt someone again. I didn't mean to do it. It was never my intention. But it is my fault. I am to blame. I knew from the first five minutes that I didn't like him in that way, but I kissed him anyway. I went out again with him. I led him on. I don't know how to fix it now. I finally told the truth, so in turn I hurt him. I caused him pain. How do I take it away?

But I suppose it's better late than never. At least I finally confessed my true feelings. It would have been worse to keep on pretending. Because that would hurt him even more. Yet all of this could have been avoided if I had just turned my head when he went in to kiss me. Ahh, the price of a kiss.

Today I was really pleased. Not with anything in particular, but with life in general. The only thing that prevents me from feeling completely satisfied is that I don't have anyone to share this pleasure with. I mean, I have friends. And great friends at that... true friends. And I have family. A wonderful mother and a wonderful sister. But I'm not talking about that. I want someone I can share things with that I don't share with anyone else. Someone who will kiss me passionately and take part in my happiness, as in a moment we become "one". Yes, I know it sounds cliche, and I know it sounds like the rantings of a teenager, but sometimes my loneliness has no limits. I can be in a room with a number of my close friends, and still feel the tightening grip of loneliness. Loneliness really is merciless.

I keep having this feeling that I have to "save myself" for someone. I've been so sexually frustrated in this past year, that not only did I suffer mentally because of it, but physically as well. However, now I find myself not wanting to have sex; not wanting to lose my "innocence." Deep inside, I feel like I must remain a virgin until I meet the "right one." I was planning on having sex this summer, but since recently, I changed my mind. I want to wait. He might want me to as well.

It is strange how human emotions are so fickle. One day I can feel passion, and the next indifference. I've always tried to be one of those people who are more stable in their love. My love isn't temporary, I'm sure of it. But infatuation is. It's evanescent. But I do not worry about myself... I only worry about others. I don't want someone to tell me they love me, unless they mean to forever. Ah, they don't have to love me in the same way, of course, but as long as there is some form of love, then that is enough.

We are all so fragile. One look can send me into rapture, or into utter despair. I wish that I didn't have to depend on my outside environment so much for happiness. Some say that true happiness can only be heightened by the surroundings, but must come from within. I agree. And yet it is so difficult to find it inside of me. I feel as if the garden of my soul has been capsized by weeds... and the flowers are slowly wilting. I know, this is probably just a phase... Just like happiness, sorrow can't last forever. But it can for long enough to turn my tears to ice.

But today is a beautiful day. I cannot but smile when the sun is shining. I can start fresh. A whole world of beauty and opportunity awaits...

A friend today wrote a most beautiful quote, that holds so true: "The soul that can speak with its eyes can also kiss with a gaze."

I can only hope to have eyes that speak, though I believe I do. My eyes can speak of passion... they can become bright and alluring, or they might become heavy and dark. My eyes burn, as if in flames, when I am in love. They change colors when I am happy... they become green when I feel overwhelming joy. One look from me to you will explain a thousand things. My eyes are not only windows to my soul, they're the doors.