A smile on my face.

I'm smiling... i'm not sure why... but... maybe i'm having a heat stroke or somethin hahah. These past few weeks have been pretty testing and i guess part of it goes into realizations that; To reach our own personal greatness is not by how much strength we charge forward with, but how much strength you have getting up everytime you're knocked down. Kinda obvious right?

Parts of me are gone... and the way i see it, i think i've shedded another layer of myself and with that shed... came a large growth that finally lopped off. Yeah i know that sounds horrid, but... thats kinda how it feels. But no... that can't be it... that can't be the reason why i'm smiling... It's something unforseen.

guess i tend to forget...even after a storm whips and tears everything about, sometimes buds and pollen from completely new plants land on the war torn floor and bloom into all new life... fresh...new...unseen...unheard of...

Heat on the Rise to Summer

Ahh... warm air on a dark night. Not a breeze... just the atomsphere settling a little after it's been scorched all day by the sun and dry air. People think i'm insane for loving the heat, but when you live in San Francisco... it's a rarity all it's own considering we get spring and winter seasons year round.... a little change up in the weather pattern, espcially with a heat wave, is very welcomed by me.

People from SoCal dislike it, people from NY dislike it. Being from Rockford, where the summers get WAY beyond 100 degrees, and the humidity drenches you... you'd think i'd hate the heat. Something about the memories it brings... being able to walk around downtown late at night in a tank top with friends... just weaving and wandering through the financial district... the memory sticks closely and it branches off into several others.

i don't know, people have told me again and again that they preffer cold over heat because if they were cold, they could cuddle up with someone. Being the independant lone wolf that i've been known to be... i'd rather just be warm on my own with heat, not having to depend on another person to be laying next to me for temperature needs. Yeah, sure it'd be nice to have the romantic ideal that every other guy out there has about heat and cold... but... thats just not my cup of tea.

Regardless, summer is right around the bend and global warming is in full force. My weeks are starting to stack like crazy and timing is really slim right now. Gotta spend time with Richard before he moves, gotta meet with Ethan for some HEAVY catching up, Beau should be up here sometime soon, Victor needs quicker help with hunting places, try to make some time to start on site updates, and... well... plates filling up fast. hahah it's like summer 2007 all over again.

don't ask...

I was gonna write about something a little more defined but i lost that thought so.... now i leave you with this as today's entry....

..... balls.......

...

...that is all.

Forbidden Iron Kingdom Man

If you haven't watched "Iron Man" yet, catch it in the theaters before it's out. Though some scenes were very confusing to watch and were too close to transformers... the movie was great fun. I never liked Tony Stark, but the casting for him... spot on. I kinda want one of those suits now. nice job introducing the character, and the spoiler at the ending of the credits... tell me WHO didn't see that coming, i mean.. c'mon you knew Marvel was pumping out all these other movies for a reason right?

"Forbidden Kingdom" was another fun romp of a movie, though i do recommend this as a rental. It's a VERY chinese-y movie. Alot of folklore, martial arts beliefs, and chinese pop-culture refferences were scattered through this film. Not to mention it had one HOT villianess. Don't expect much of a story that makes sense either. Just go in on it expecting you're gonna see some kick ass fighting. OH and not to mention... i think i understood about 65% of the dialogue in the film, a large chunk of it was in chinglish... very heavy chinglish....even I struggled with trying to make sense, escially with that weird Sparrow girl who talks in the 3rd person... who knew. (?)

Distant stares

Ah... the "Kansas City Shuffle", how much i adore this tactic. For those of you who're unfamiliar with the term:

an advanced form of confidence game employing misdirection, subterfuge, and playing on the "mark(s)" arrogance and/or self-loathing. The relevance to a direction stated at the beginning of the con has no bearing to the shuffle.

... anywhos... as the week starts up again and i start moving things around in my head, i can't help but smile at all the people who've been trying to put me together these past few weeks. But there was one friend that kinda stuck out of the mass of them... one that asked me a question that i don't normally get on a regular basis. He asked: "So how does one get close to you,  someone so distant".

I have to admit, i'm not a simple person at all, that and i have a million different layers around myself. Looking at it from the outside, you'd think it would be impossible, but... thats not true. As complicated as i am, with a list of rules and regulations, i'm still pretty easy to get close to... but it probably wouldn't be the kind of "close" some people have in mind. To me... the idea of closeness differs between individuals like exs, love, and friends.

We all have our own reasons to decide what we present to other people and what we hide from others. Just because you don't get the full 100% access to a person's life doesn't make you any less a friend in my book. Like most people... we all have secrets, we all have dark parts in our pasts, presents, or what have you that are better off unsaid until the time is right. Thats why i keep people at a distance to THOSE components, because i can't risk anyone at all to know... not now at least. That is my own choosing though, to challenge that is to disrespect my choice as to what i want to do with my own life.

As far as myself; i almost wrecklessly get into friendships. hahaha, there is almost no rules to who i meet as a friend and from the get go, i open myself immensely. Where some would say it would be unsafe to be that open to a new person... i do it. I know what the consequences in doing that can be, and i'm ready for anything that may come my way that may be an opposition from my actions. Getting close to me isn't as hard as it seems... it's just a matter of how close you would want to be. There are layers upon layers of myself. People like to think that it's just me trying to protect myself... not completely.... it's also to protect the other person.

...keep in mind... i'm a darwinistic person... that should tell you the extent of my will power.

but distance... i think most people already know why i am so distant. Thats just how i can function now. If you recall some time back in early 07.... wherever there was a memory, i placed a big black void in it's place. It helped me function freely... at the cost of holding onto dreams. You'd be extremely wrong to think they were just memories of Allan... they were memories of some of my closest friends, memories of fun and great times we shared, memories that i knew would only hinder my ability to 'recover'... some of those friends... i completely erased out of my mind. As those voids grew in numbers, the further my feelings  went adrift. Why do it at all in the first place? because i just didn't want to lay there dead anymore. I wanted to live, i wanted to move on, i wanted to get back on my feet and keep walking... and the only way i could do that... was to erase people out of my memory and life.

... but for every loss... there were gains. the way i see it, for every one thing that was lost, i gained back two of a better memory, of better friends... Thats where my hope sprang from... that drive to get back up and keep on going. Thats the funny thing... these people are chosen at random as my life goes on. I never planned for these people to enter my life with this type of impact... it just happens on it's own. Fate i guess...

"cu... e vehymmo dumt res..."